Firsts

Today was the first time I ventured out to go grocery shopping by myself. I find myself now measuring time in things "before Ryan's death" and "after Ryan's death." So there are a lot of "firsts" lately. I just kind of took my time wandering through the commissary aisles today. A few waves of pain hit, as they do throughout each day, where my skin goes all hot and my heart goes crazy. But I was able to just breathe and keep going, the waves are becoming familiar to the point that I doubt anyone in the commissary would even guess what I was going through. It was a very quiet afternoon but as I walked, I felt myself smiling at the few shoppers I passed. What if one of those individuals was possibly going through what I am going through? What if they are strolling the aisles thinking, putting on a brave face, struggling on the inside, riding a wave of pain, taking a "first" trip out in the midst of grief. I just began to meet their eyes and pray silently for each passerby, and then thanking God for using my grief in a "good" way. A raw heart is indeed capable of great compassion and life seems to now move in slow motion, where I am able to take in each moment, each person, each step, each breathe, and feel the emotion of the moment deeply. I pray that my "second" trip shopping is less of a struggle, but that I am still able to cling to that compassion.