competition

I have been blessed to find a church home and there they have a grief share Bible study group (http://www.griefshare.org/), where these amazing others have let me join in.  This past week, at our study, I was thinking about how Ryan and I used to study the Bible together or talk about faith, throughout our years together.  Ryan, being such an extremely intelligent, logical, concrete thinker, often had a difficult time wrapping his head around the concept of God's infinite love and having faith that God really does have a plan bigger than we can see.  He said once, years ago, that he envied my faith a bit, that he just really needed more "proof" than I seemed to need with his faith.  And I, conversely, envied Ryan's ability to think through deep theological issues and struggle with the difficult questions that round out or solidify a person's faith.  But as far as knowing God's love and experiencing God's presence, I guess you could say I knew God a little more intimately than Ryan.  I prayed all the time that Ryan would know God in his heart, that God would be a real presence in Ryan's life, a comforter and provider for Ryan.  It dawned on me, at my Bible study, that Ryan now knows God intimately, he is in God's loving presence and comfort, with no fear or questioning.  And Ryan gets to see the whole big picture that we down here on earth don't get to experience yet.  When I shared that, one of the other class members said that it sounds like my husband has "one upped" me in the God department.  And I just had to laugh.  Like deep belly laugh.  Because it is true.
Those that know me well, like really know me, unfortunately know that I can have a little bit of a competitive streak in me...  It comes out when I play sports (or board games), and sometimes, I will admit, in a not-so-pleasant way.  Ryan used to tease me about it - saying I could be incredibly sweet unless there was a monopoly game board or a sports ball between us.  The frustrating part was that Ryan was always just a bit smarter and quite a lot stronger than me.  So in sports or games, he would win, especially anything to do with trivia (Ryan just seemed to know and store random facts on literally EVERYTHING).  But I would still refuse to give up, thinking maybe if we just played best out of three (or five or seven...), I could stand a chance.  Or Ryan would let me win, just to end the competition, and then I would be a little mad because then it wasn't a "real" win (see, not-so-pleasant).  It was a joke between us most of our years together - that Ryan always would win but I kept thinking maybe this time I would, if I just kept trying.  When my classmate at Bible study mentioned how Ryan had now "one upped" me in the God department, I think I laughed so hard, because that is just SO Ryan and I.  I may have had the more blind, trusting faith all these years, but Ryan sees the whole picture now, that I am still struggling with and waiting to get to see one day.  And, oh, what comfort it brings me, in the midst of my pain, to picture my Ryan finally knowing and experiencing God in a way he was never able to here on earth.  And it comforts me to know that Ryan can pray and intercede on my behalf, taking care of me and the kids until I, too, get to see that whole picture.  And while I wish with every thread of my being that he was here traveling this road of faith with me here on earth, maybe, just maybe, it is somehow okay that Ryan "one upped" me, because that is the way it has always been with us.