Words

When a death occurs, many people have no idea what to say to those grieving. Some walk away from the awkwardness, some try cliché words of comfort, others jump into service. I must say before June 24th, I had absolutely no idea what to do for a grieving friend either. It is a foreign place that most people do not let their minds go, even in their worst nightmares. How does a person relate to that? I know many people say things like, "anything you need, please let me know" or they ask, "how are you doing?" Please know, dear and precious friends, that I do appreciate every offer and I do treasure all those precious hearts holding us up in prayer. Most of the time, however, I do not know what I need or how to answer how I am doing, it can change moment by moment, breathe by breathe. So, with that, I realize how incredibly difficult it is to be my friend right now. I recently read a letter written by another widow in response to a friend who thought she had somehow said and did all the wrong things. Her words are spot on and I want to share them, for all those who have expressed wanting to reach out to myself and the children, but do not know how. Please know words are not needed, precious friends, just your loving presence. One widow's response: "Dear Friend, you were amongst the few who did not blunder, because you didn't use words. Your actions were the comfort, your presence was strengthening, and your prayers soothing. A grieving friend initially goes into shock, just as if they had been physically traumatized. They need a warm blanket, some water, and someone there to sit by them patterning in silence how to breathe. When this happens away from friends, they need to feel that blanket of dreadful sorrow being expressed by their friends. At first the grieving can not process questions and eating is beyond their ken. Some really good messages I received were daily check-ins of love, Scripture, and repeated sorrow. The water is the life sustaining need to hear my beloved's name. I leaned in spiritually when someone spoke my beloved's name, saying things like 'I woke thinking of you and him today, or I remember this time when he...' Breathing. It hurts to breathe for so long. A friend affirming that is a blessing. Just a note acknowledging the need to breathe and the pain. Thank you for continuing to be there, praying, helping me stay sane and to get through the continuing challenges of what came next, memorial, cemetery plot, choices, homecoming, funeral, burial, company, decisions, people, crowding, and then the sudden silence."