living water

"Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose trust is the Lord.  He is like a tree planted by water, that sends out its roots by the stream, and does not fear when heat comes, for its leaves remain green, and is not anxious in the year of drought, for it does not cease to bear fruit." (Jer. 17:7-8)

"Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the Lord, and on his law he meditates day and night.  He is like a tree planted by streams of water that yields its fruit in its season, and its leaf does not wither.  In all that he does, he prospers.  The wicked are not so, but are like chaff that the wind drives away." (Ps. 1:1-4)

David writes in the first psalm (my very favorite psalm) that blessed people are like trees planted by flowing rivers who are able to yield fruit, whose leaves do not wither, and who prosper in all that they do.  I read that during Biblical times in the Middle East, trees were quite rare and rain was often scarce.  Most of the land was assuredly desert but if a tree could be planted by a river, it was no longer dependent on the uncertain weather or even the surface conditions of the soil.  That tree could flourish abundantly at all times because it had roots that allowed the water from the stream to reach each part of the tree and bring life to it.  You could not see the roots but you also could not miss the beautiful green leaves or the fresh fruit.  

Continuing on my thoughts from the last blog entry, I love how the psalmist is telling us that our souls are like those trees.  We can have joy and life, regardless of the situations and conditions around us.  We can flourish and thrive and bear good fruit that others recognize despite any drought or tragedy or unfavorable weather, because our unseen roots are planted firmly in God's love.  When we make sure that we are planted firmly in God's living waters, He continually give us strength, direction, and joy that flows up from those roots and through every part of our lives.  

Nojoqui Falls hike

sun and rain

I am reading "The Good and Beautiful God: Falling in Love with the God Jesus Knows" by James Bryan Smith and I am reminded more and more of God's love, not just in spite of the tragic events of last year, but because of and through Ryan's death.  I think I truly thought most of my life that if I lived a good, obedient life (the best that I could), that God would bless me and my family.  But that core idea was pulled out from under me last year when Ryan died.  If I had my faith in Jesus and was striving to do good, why would God have allowed Ryan to die?  Why didn't God heal Ryan?  Why would God put my children and I through such pain? But giving me what I want because I do good things is simply not how God works - and this is a good thing!

In Mathew 5:45 Jesus says, "For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust."  Jesus is telling us an obvious truth, that the sunshine and rain are given equally to saints and sinners with no distinction to their behavior.  Terrible things happen to wonderful people.  Wonderful things happen to awful people.  We cannot look around the world we live in and build a case that sinners are punished and righteous people are blessed.  It simply is not the case - and, again, this is a good thing.

Augustine of Hippo, who lived in the fourth century, said, "We do not know why God's judgement makes a good man poor, and a wicked man rich... Nor why the wicked man enjoys the beat of health, whilst the man of religion wastes away in illness... Even then it is not consistent... Good men also have good fortune and evil men find evil fortunes... So though we do not know by what judgement these things are carried out or permitted by God, in whom is the highest virtue and the highest wisdom and the highest justice, and in whom there is no weakness nor rashness nor unfairness, it is none the less beneficial for us to learn not to regard as important the good or evil fortunes which we see shared by good and evil persons alike... Rather we must seek out the good things peculiar to the good, and give wide berth to the evils peculiar to evil men."

You see, God's love is not dependent on our behavior or good works, God just simply is love.  Smith says in his book that "He gives blessings to all without regard to their behavior."  He blesses the good and the evil.  Seriously.  I had to read that several times.... "God gives blessings to all without regard to their behavior."  And, conversely, tragedies happen to all, regardless of our behavior.

Augustine was being honest - we just simply do not know why God allows this "even distribution" of blessings and tragedies, sunshine and rain.  BUT Augustine also points out that God is good and he guides us to the conclusion that it is simply not worthwhile to spend our time worrying about WHY good or bad things happen because not only can we not know, but that that preoccupation will keep us from focusing on the right things. We should not focus our attention on the blessings that are "evenly distributed" to all, good and evil, but instead we can focus on the blessings that, as Augustine says, "are peculiar to the good" or given only to those who strive to do good.  So what are those peculiar things?

Think of the times when you have blessed another person - brought them a meal, sat with them in their sadness, hugged or encouraged a person in despair, smiled at a stranger in a grocery store.  When you have blessed someone else, do you not then feel a ray of sunshiney joy in your own heart?  This is a blessing unknown to those who do wrong.  Those who are selfish or spiteful or mean do not know the feeling that those who share themselves freely and lovingly feel.  And conversely, Augustine says to "give the widest berth to the evils peculiar to evil men" because those who are selfish and resentful are already intimately acquainted with guilt, loneliness, remorse, and even self-hatred.  They already know what it feels like to have darkness surrounding them.  That, alone, does not provide justice but Smith points out in his book that it does give us a glimpse of the goodness of God.  God promises that those who love and serve, those who are honest and faithful, they will know a kind of joy and peace that those who do evil will never know.

Of course, there will still be a judgement day in the end, when God will have the final say and make all things right.  And only then will we be able to glimpse an understanding of why the sun and rain were allowed to befall on all.  Why good things can happen to awful people and horrific things happen to good people.  I believe then, when we are able to see as God sees, we will understand that God was indeed just.  But until then, being unable to grasp that, being confused and even saddened by what we witness, we must focus our thoughts on what we CAN count on - those good consequences that come solely from living our lives in the example of Christ: character, disposition, reputation, etc..

The joy and peace that come from lying the "why's" of tragedy at God's feet and choosing to bless others, being thankful for God's goodness, and loving others wholeheartedly is a joy and peace that can not be shaken.  I will not know on this side of heaven why God allowed Ryan to die at age 39 or why He allowed myself and the children to suffer such a horrific, painful loss.  But I do know that He changed my heart to be filled with compassion for those hurting, He comforted me through my pain in such a way that I felt His presence like I never guessed I would, and He filled me with an appreciation for all the little things in life.  How precious each moment is here on earth, each relationship, each person we get to interact with.

I can truly say that right now, in this place, I have joy and love in my heart.  I miss Ryan with a deep sorrow everyday but I am so thankful for the bond with my family that came as a result of them having ministered to our hearts and serving us when I could not do what needed doing.  I am so thankful for the friendships that have blossomed and gone deep from having been raw and real and honest about this life's pain with each other.  I am so thankful for the new relationships that have developed from the move and transitions of our new life going forward.  I am so thankful for being able to love and live again, for finding happiness and joy again, amidst the sorrow.  And this time knowing it is a joy that can not be shaken, that is not earned, but one that simply just is. There exists a joy and peace that is not dependent on our life situations, that those who trust in God know deep in their hearts.  And what a beautiful thing that our God gives us that.

"For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God.  I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Gal. 2:19-20)

one year

One year.  June 24th was the one year anniversary of Ryan's death.  I want to thank each of you who reached out to me that day, with cards, phone calls, or messages of love and support.  It was appreciated more than words can say.

To be honest I was kind of numb or unemotional about the day.  I stressed a bit about how to best "acknowledge" it and nothing really seemed right.  I felt like I should have gone up to the cemetery but I just did not want to sit and relive that day full of shock and sorrow.  So, instead, I decided to make sure the kids and I were surrounded by family and just see what "felt" right as the day approached.  

Ultimately, through the numbness, the emotion that bubbled up on Saturday was a sort of anger or a kind of feeling of defiance.  Not anger at Ryan or anyone else, just anger that depression could rob us of so much.  I felt a fiery determination that depression and sorrow do not get to win.  So I think that somehow fueled my decision to make June 24th a good day.  Not a joyful day or a celebratory day, but just that we would not sit in a pit of sorrow and let the enemy win.  

Our joy is God-given and it can not be taken away because it is independent of our situations and circumstances.  This is the way of Christ.  Jesus, even amidst His earthly sufferings, pain, and sorrow, had JOY because He was abiding in the Father - the Father of all comfort and hope.  And how good is our glorious God to promise us that as well!  So I think I was determined to focus on the joy of Christ inside my heart over and above the sorrows of this earthly world.  That was my motivation for spending June 24th with some of my favorite people, in my favorite city (Santa Barbara) enjoying the warmth of summer and the beach.

I honestly was so focused on God's goodness and being so thankful for all He has done in my life these past 12 months that I felt a sense of peace and gratitude for God's healing comfort on June 24th.  I think I probably even surprised a few people who reached out to me that day when I responded with a hopeful demeanor and not one full of sorrow.  Ultimately, that focus on gratitude is what insulated me and carried through the deep sorrow I have felt these past 12 months.  

The next week brought the 4th of July, again precious time spent with family and friends.  Followed by Charlie's birthday (a Harry Potter themed pool party) and Katherine's birthday (a girlie girl day of shopping, chocolate, and getting her hair done).

Once the anticipation of June 24th was past, the 4th of July had come and gone, and the planning and celebration of the children's birthdays was over I was ready to breathe a huge sigh of relief.  And honestly, that is when it unexpectedly hit me.  Grief ambush.  I woke up Saturday morning, July 15th, and realized one year ago was Ryan's "homecoming" from Texas to California and the funeral.  I was overwhelmed with sadness that morning in an intense way that I did not see coming.  It took every ounce of strength to get out of bed that day and get going.  My heart and mind would have been fine hermitting in bed all day and simply ignoring the world because the world seemed awfully painful that morning.  But I got up and got going - I have children and pets and summer plans calling my name.  Thankfully those things keep me going on days like July 15th.

It is interesting to me though that when I think back to a year ago, my emotions almost mirrored that process, just with less intensity.  Obviously on June 24th I sunk into a pit of sorrow and pain, but my body went into a physical shock and a numbness those first days and weeks, where I could not eat or sleep or function.  The numbness and shock insulated me from the intense pain.  I have vague memories of fireworks on the 4th and others pulling together birthday celebrations for my children that following week.  I remember the HUGE blessing of gifts and cards and treats flowing in to celebrate my children, all mixed together with the sympathy cards, condolences messages, mortuary affairs, and funeral planning.  Those weeks are a fuzzy haze to me of not feeling any emotions really, as a numb shock completely took over.

Then July 15th arrived and I attended Ryan's funeral.  The kids and I had attended a huge memorial service in Texas on June 29th as well, but since it was a memorial and not his burial, I stayed insulated in the shock.  The graveside funeral on the 15th was were the shock finally wore off, the numbness was gone, and the reality sunk in that no one was going to come up to me and apologize for making a mistake.  No one was gong to tell me that Ryan was okay and they got the wrong person.  No one was going to make it all alright.  I was actually going to have to say good bye to my beloved as his body was put in the ground.  That realization was when the most intense pain hit me and my lowest part of this whole painful journey was that sleepless night and the morning of July 16th, waking up without Ryan and having the finality now of knowing in my heart and mind that I never would again.

So it almost does not surprise me that I felt insulated on June 24th this year but that July 15th was the low point.  On June 24th of last year my heart had not processed what my brain was hearing.  But by July 15th I was forced to face and acknowledge my loss, my grief, and then my new reality.  This year it seemed as though I did not really process what a full 365 days meant until I realized that one year ago I had watched that shiny wooden casket lowered into the ground, the dirt replaced, and the sod returned.  I had sat there, kneeling down on that freshly laid cemetery grass, clutching that folded flag given to me, and finally knowing in my heart that I would never clutch Ryan again - that this truly was good bye.  So reliving those July 15th memories again was the difficult part for me.

But I remain thankful.  Thankful that even in reliving those memories and events of last June and July, the pain has somehow softened.  Time didn't soften it, God's healing comfort and hope has.  As believers in Christ, we grieve as those with hope.  We know this is not the end of the story.  We know that amidst the depression and sorrow, there is still joy, even if pain temporarily blinds us to it.  Abiding in the Father always brings joy.  As Jesus was beaten and hung on that cross, he encountered and experienced horrific pain and sorrow. And yet He had joy, because He knew death was not the end of the story.  Death and depression do not get to win!  

We have hope in the one who carries us through pain, because He experienced it.  We have comfort from the one who comforts and loves, because it is His very nature.  And we have joy because our joy comes from God alone, not our circumstances.  

4th of July prayer

Lord God Almighty, you have made all the peoples of the earth for your glory, to serve you in freedom and in peace: Give to the people of our country a zeal for justice and the strength of forbearance, that we may use our liberty in accordance with your gracious will; through Jesus Christ our Lord, who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, for ever and ever. Amen.

breaking point article

I love the beautiful picture painted by this article.  It is why we place God's Word ON our hearts. ❤️ 

Why It Might Be a Wonderful Thing to Reach Your Breaking Point