That horrible Friday

That horrible Friday. The morning of Friday, June 24th, I received a call from Ryan's first sergeant asking me if I knew where Ryan was because he didn't come into work that day. I panicked and said I didn't know and I asked her to send someone to the house. She said they were already at the house, there was a letter on the porch, and they had called 911. I want to say it was about 9:30am in California, so 11:30 in Texas. That's all she would tell me over the phone. Then my neighbor called telling me there were military people and police all over our street looking for Ryan. I called and called Ryan, no answer. I texted him too. I talked to the police and told them to just break down the front door and go get him. They wouldn't. I was hysterical. Then I got texts and phone calls from military members (who is a blur, so I will just say from "the military") telling me that there was indication Ryan was not home, they asked for his vehicle information. Said they were trying to locate him. They wouldn't tell me anything else. I asked what the letter said and they wouldn't tell me, just said it had some "instructions." I was so scared at that point. I was frantically trying to find out what they meant by an indication that he wasn't at home. They finally said he was texting the commander and that he indicated he wasn't home. So I tried calling and left messages for Ryan telling him I loved him and I texted him telling him how much I love him, how much I need him, that whatever it is, I'm there for him, that we would walk the road together, that I just needed to hear his voice. I got no other info, the military stopped answering my calls/texts. Silence. Then I got a text from Ryan that said, "I love you, Jenny. Hug the kids for me." Followed by one that said, "I didn't mean for you to find out like this. I'm so sorry. I love you, Jenny." I kept texting and calling, but just silence after that. I think it was just after 10am, so 12noon in Texas. The military said they had tracked his cell phone to behind the Target parking lot. They used the vehicle info to find him. They said a cop was with him and would take him to a local hospital for psych evaluation. No one at any point mentioned a gun, not once. I told them I was going to the airport and they said they would pick me up and take me to Ryan when I arrived in Texas. I think the police took over from there, maybe they didn't release much info to the military, I don't fully know. But my dad was taking me to the airport when the commander called my cell phone. He asked to speak to my dad. And I said I wanted to know but he refused to speak to me, insisting he talk to my dad. My dad got out of the car, took the phone, and that's when I knew. I threw my purse and just screamed in pain cause I knew. I knew Ryan wasn't okay. My dad said they couldn't say anything, not to speculate, and that I need to not go to the airport. My dad thought they just needed time with Ryan before I saw him but I knew. I cried the whole way back to the house, then collapsed on the front lawn and just lied there sobbing. I started calling the military members and the commander, they just sent texts back saying to be patient, they would give me information as soon as they could, they were doing their best, etc... I just begged and pleaded for them to at least tell me he was alive and when they couldn't tell me that, I just wailed. The kids heard me outside, finally the commander told me that he was authorized to tell me Ryan was taken to the coroner. That's when I went inside to hug the children, who were scared and frightened and confused. The commander had proceeded to keep talking and I hung up on him. He called back and I screamed at him that I didn't want to hear any more. An hour later, the officers in formal uniform came with the formal letter. Ryan's mother called while they were here, as they were also visiting her at the same time, with the same dreaded letter. The initial news report said an airman was suspected of carrying out an attack but was apprehended before he could. That was an outright lie. The military public affairs office has fought that horrible gossip. Ryan was never near the base on Friday, never threatened anyone, he just was hurting himself. I was told his texts to the commander were about how he was sorry he had let him down. The only anger he expressed was that he had asked them not to contact me until afterwards, by delivering his letter. He was angry that I knew something was going on. Apparently a police officer approached him in the parking lot, saw the gun, and was trying to convince him to put the gun down. His car doors were locked and he pulled the trigger instead. Why he wouldn't just answer the phone when I was calling, I will never know. I could have comforted him, I should have been there. Maybe his letters will shed some light in the future. He carefully left letters to each of his family members that the police have confiscated for the time being. My dad said when Ryan left California earlier this week he had said, "take care of my family for me." I refuse to think he was planning all this for that long, hiding that much pain from us, but maybe he was. I don't know what kind of strength it takes to do that, but I know if he did, I missed it. I'm so sorry. I need another break. I will type more later.

Lackland Memorial

Precious friends, Many of you know that I tragically lost my dear husband this past Friday. I honestly have been unable to keep track of who has been notified or how, so I am sending this blanket email out now, just so I don't miss anyone. Please forgive me if this is redundant, unexpected, or just a rambling mess of an email. Communication has been very, very difficult for me these past few days. First, please know that the children and I so appreciate all the loving notes, phone calls, and ways many of you have reached out to us during this excruciatingly painful time. It's a pain more overwhelming than I've ever known but you all have been a light in a dark place for me. I have not been able to reply to most of your precious words yet, but I read them and am truly blessed by them. So thank you. For those that asked, Ryan's memorial service at Lackland AFB will be on Thursday, June 30th at 9:30am. It's a memorial service for his squadron, so they can say good-bye and begin to heal. The children and myself will be there, along with a few of Ryan's family members. Those in the San Antonio area with base access are also more than welcome to attend. If you are in San Antonio and want to attend but don't have base access, let me know and I can have our family liaison contact you to get you access that day. The best way is probably to text me with that information, as I haven't had a chance to wade through all your sweet and loving emails just yet. For those in California, Ryan will be laid to rest in Santa Maria, California later in July, probably July 15th or so. Our children both have July birthdays and I just feel strongly that it's best not to ask them to have to bury their precious daddy during their birthday week. Again, text me if you'd like those details and I will provide them once I know arrangements. This is an absolutely overwhelming time for us right now, so please forgive me if I don't respond or communicate well. I truly do want to talk with you all and appreciate your support more than I can say, but taking one breath at a time and focusing on my children has been an all consuming effort. I don't have words for the hurt we all are feeling right now. I just ask that you all pray and continue to pray for my children. A lot. We all miss Ryan with an ache that can't be filled. He was such a loving, precious husband and dad. We miss him so much.

prayer from a friend:

Dearest Jen, I understand that you need immediate mercy to able to get through the shock and trauma.  The Holy Spirit is able to release the prayer you need that is inside you.  Jesus 'groaned' with grief.  Sometimes that is all you can do at this time.  We are praying for God to put you all in a 'bubble' of grace to help you get through these initial days.  We pray that in His great mercy, the Holy Spirit carries the weight of this trauma that has hit you like a semi-truck.  We are praying that no evil 'spirit' of grief and sorrow can swollow you all up.  We also pray for God to bring you supernatural ease, comfort, and peace that you cannot have at this time on your own.  We pray also that you have help to handle all the logistics of this.  We ask God to help you all go through the  'normal' stages of grief in that bubble of His love and not get stuck in any one place.  Most of all, we pray that you physically feel Gods arms around you holding you and Kate and Charlie close to His heartbeat, so that you don't feel so alone and lost in this fog of grief.    Please know we are weeping with you.  We love you and miss you.  It is good that you are with your family.   Jen, you know you did the best you could.  He knew how much you loved him.  This was not in your control.  Please have peace about that.  You loved him well.                

Prayers

I just needed to ask everyone for prayers. My husband passed away on Friday, June 24. The children and I are in intense shock and grieving much. I have had a few people ask what we need and we just need prayer. Lots and lots of prayer through this tragic time. Learning to take my next breathe without Ryan is more pain than I have ever known. Minute by minute. I apologize that I may not respond to your emails or phone calls right now, talking is difficult. But I can share when/where his memorial services will be once we have those details. There will be one at Lackland AFB probably next week and then he will be laid to rest in California. The kids and I are in California right now with family. Please just pray for Katherine and Charlie during this time. A lot.