today

This journey is so full of emotions, many I have never felt before.  There are moments I think, “I should not have to deal with this or feel this way!"  But I am.  These are my circumstances.  As a widow I have not only lost my dear husband, but much, much more - my best friend, lover, confidant, trash taker outer, personal IT computer repairman, father of my children, comforter, financial decision maker, partner in my life...  I have lost that person I share life with day in and day out.  I could go on and on, as Ryan's absence is painfully obvious in every moment, and the feelings that come with losing all of these roles are often painfully overwhelming.
In the beginning, a grieving mind feels nothing but hopelessness.  There are times I feel there is no possible way I can go on without Ryan.  Debilitating fear can consume me without warning and I still cannot be alone anywhere, except those quiet moments I spend at the cemetery each week.  And although I do every single day, I barely feel that I can put my feet on the floor each morning.  A lot of nights I wake up from fearful vivid dreams and just whisper, “Jesus, help me” over and over again.  Those are sometimes the only three words I can get out.  Sometimes it is literally gaining enough strength to make it through each second.
"Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him."  Psalm 62:5
But I have the sweetest friends reminding me that the only one way to find hope in such apparently hopeless times, through a grieving mind, is through Jesus.  If I continue to put all of my hope in my current circumstances, I will be sorely disappointed.  Throughout the Bible, God tells us this over and over again, to put our hope in Him, and he will give us rest.  His mercy and grace are the only reason I keep standing today.  Because during the moments I could not stand, He is there.  Often God's presence comes through my family and friends, daily notes of prayer, a shared verse, or an outreach of support that God put on someone's heart.   I know for certain God has placed people in my life right now, as an extension of himself.  They have been his hands and heart to comfort, guide, and bring hope.  I am so thankful and I hope those people God has used are reading this and know how thankful I am for them.
I will still have plenty of moments of disbelief, moments of that debilitating grief that come out of nowhere and knock me down.  But I will keep getting up because of His strength.  My grief for Ryan will never end.  It will last a lifetime.  When you see the occasional smile on my face, it does not mean every moment of my life is happy.  But I can smile.  When you see me laugh, it does not mean all is alright and I am okay. But I can laugh.  When you see me doing everyday things, it does not mean I have healed, but that I have His strength in that moment to step out.  Even in what seems impossible circumstances, God provides joy among the pain, He is able to do that.
I think as a widow, you never move on, you just move forward.  And each step requires much more effort and strength than staying in the same place, full of self pity.  It is really difficult and exhausting work, but I know the Lord is with me every step of the way.  I can even start to see how He is impacting the lives of others through my horrific story.  From the texts and phone calls with friends to even messages from those who I have never met, they are all reminders of God's faithfulness and the good that only He can bring forth from this pain.
"We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain."  Hebrews 6:19