peace and pain

The kids and I went down to spent the past several days with Ryan's family.  I say "Ryan's family," but really they are just my extended family.  Ryan's mom, brother, aunts, uncles, grandmother - they are always a part of my family just as much, if not more, now than they have ever been.  We all share that bond of grief and sadness and sweet, sweet memories.  I cling to them because they are a part of Ryan and their stories and memories of Ryan make me smile.  And we all share some level of that gut-wrenching pain of missing him so much we cannot breathe.  But God gave us each other to lean on, not leaving any of us to walk this difficult road alone.
It was such a good weekend, but also such a difficult weekend. I just instinctively expected to see Ryan around every corner and in every place there.  The kids, of course, crave their routines and wanted to visit our "regular" stops, our favorite cupcake shop, the Lego store, restaurants we usually do there, our family favorites, etc...  Some of it was painful.  Actually most all of it was painful.  But in a good way - like pain and peace are beginning to learn to coexist. 
Walking into the cupcake shop, we all got quiet as Ryan's absence was just so overwhelmingly apparent.  I actually didn't think I could do it, but saying "no" to Kate and Charlie wasn't on my radar, so I somehow found the strength to walk in.  And as we each picked our flavors, I ordered Ryan's favorite cupcake, salted caramel - the box would not have been complete without it.  Just as our family is not complete without him.
Also, while we were visiting, I was looking at old family photos in the hallway.  They made me smile and cry (that pain and peace combination I'm learning to recognize).  My two favorites are below, one was taken before Ryan and I were married, with his brother, probably in 2000.  The other is us with his brother and cousins, probably in 2001.  We were just babies really.  The time has flown by so quickly.  Looking at these pictures makes me so thankful for all the years I did have with my Ryan.  And so sad about all the years ahead I do not have with my Ryan.  The peace and the pain.