beauty from ashes

Oh, where to start... so many emotions in each day, how quickly I can go from smiles to tears, and back again and again.  Sprinkle in some anger, joy, regret, laughter, and guilt.  Up and down and all around.  But through it all God is good, and He has never left my side.  He is using this horrific story to bring healing to me and those around me.
The first weeks after Ryan's death I felt frozen, in shock, in pain, in fear, how will I ever, ever move forward?  How will I ever find even a small bit of joy.ever again?  Joy is just gone, seemingly forever.  How will I possibly put my feet on the floor each morning and be the mother I need to be for our children?  God says he can make good of anything he is presented, no matter how horrific.  “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Gen. 50:20).  But, God, how on earth can a death of a husband and father be turned to good?  How?
At first, I felt a huge responsibility to do something to make good out of this myself.  From day one, I have prayed that my husband's death and the pain I am experiencing not be in vain, that positive changes could be made from Ryan's passing and that a flow of compassion would come from my raw and tender heart.  And God has shown me good - but not by my doing.  By talking with others and sharing my story and my faith, I can see how God is moving and working through me.  And for that, I am beyond humbled.  And this past week I was blessed to see a memo from the Secretary of the Air Force and USAF Chief of Staff, that evidenced positive changes being set forth.  God's faithfulness making good, and blessing me with a glimpse of it.  Answered prayer.
You see, (and please know that this is very difficult for me to say), but without this horrific story and all of this pain, many lives would not have been changed, including mine.  I would not be the person I am becoming - a person who relies on God for every breath throughout the day, a person whose eyes are heaven-set searching for the good, the beautiful, and the truth, and a person who listens, listens to creation, to God's still small voice, and hopefully to people, as they are.
Throughout my life I have prayed, often very shallow, superficial prayers, sometimes fervent pleading.  And God has been faithful to listen and answer throughout the years, often blessing me with answered prayers I do not deserve, in His timing.  But the last few months God's small whisper has become an all encompassing presence.  I have learned in my prayers to do less pleading and requesting, and more listening and resting.  At times when I feel hopeless, overcome with sadness, I remember to seek Him.  And I have never regretted it.  In these moments I am comforted.  "To those who have sorrow in Zion I will give them a crown of beauty instead of ashes.  I will give them the oil of joy instead of sorrow, and a spirit of praise instead of a spirit of no hope.  Then they will be called oaks that are right with God, planted by the Lord, that He may be honored." (Isaiah 61:3).
I do not know what the future holds, and I know firsthand that things do not always go according to our plans.  But I am learning to trust in Him, because I know whatever He has planned for my life and for our children's life - it is for good.  He promises that.  If you would have told me two months ago, that I would lose my husband and find a greater trust in God, I would have never, ever believed you.  But that is the power of His strength and faithfulness.  "The Lord is near to those who have a broken heart.  And He saves those who are broken in spirit." (Ps. 34:18).