Memorial Service

Today was such a full day. It was such a roller coaster of emotions, the kids, Ryan's mom, Ryan's brother, and I all arrived in Texas late Wednesday evening, met at the airport by Ryan's coworkers and commander. I had opted to stay at hotel, instead of our house, as I did not know how I would feel entering our home last night. But we slept very little Wednesday night. The kids didn't want to be at the hotel and Charlie especially felt scared last night. I decided that the hotel was a bad decision after all & we checked out this morning, the kids need to be at their home the rest of our trip here. This morning I was escorted into the service at Ryan's memorial, with Ryan's mom and brother. All the outpouring of his squadron and the whole base and base leadership's support was overwhelming, they kept me guarded and safe during the whole formal process, it was a beautiful ceremony, with tears and laughter at memories. I sat with the commander and those involved with last Friday afterwards, got some questions answered, made some difficult decisions, and sometimes felt like I couldn't breathe. I had to decide whether I wanted to see Ryan or not, I was given the choice and it was hard. I ultimately decided not to, as I would only want to cling to him and would be disappointed I couldn't. I'm not ready to say goodbye, but then I don't think any number of years would ever be enough and I'd never be ready. I want to remember him fully alive, I don't need to see his body to know he isn't here with us. He is safe in God's arms, free from all the hurt and demons he faced. God draws closest to the brokenhearted, so that means Ryan is safe in his arms and I am surrounded by God's comfort. It was, however, a tough decision for me. After the memorial, we went back to our house. I was extremely nervous as we pulled into the driveway, unable to predict the emotions I would feel walking through the front door of Ryan and I's home. But immediately upon entering, it was such a comfort to be in our home again. Walking in the front door today made me feel instantly happy and peaceful, more than I've felt since last Friday, and yet such a sadness at the emptiness it also represents at the same time. I felt excitement as others helped organize stuff to pack, get the kids squared away, & then felt completely overwhelmed by the inability to pack anything and had to stop. Both emotions are okay. Up and down. Breathe by breathe. Our kitties were all happy to see us again and had lots of attention today from children eager to spoil them. After some moments alone in the house, friends showed up. I felt sweet joy to see my children surrounded by all their friends and playing together again, as everyone reached out to love them this afternoon. Our house had probably 20 kids in it all afternoon, all playing and laughing together. All their sweet friends in one place together was a joyful time, full of silliness, smiles, hugs, food, kids full of energy. I peaked in on Charlie at one point and he was sitting on his bed, super animated and giving orders to five other boys surrounding him as they worked together to build a robot toy. He came out of shell and hugged and talked with those that wanted to hug him. Peaking in on Katherine there was a tight circle of girls all sitting in a circle on her floor doing each others hair and nails, giggling. Kate was happy as center of attention. She and a close friend even sat with us adults a bit this evening as we talked about Ryan. At one point I shared some of my grief and cried and Kate seemed to be okay watching others comfort me. I mostly sat on the couch downstairs all afternoon/evening, surrounded by the sweetest ladies, listening to the joyful sound of kids upstairs (or maybe a herd of elephants up there!) and spent the time weeping and crying tears on the shoulders of others, laughing as we shared many, many happy memories, holding each other as we prayed together, and just felt a joy and relief at being with everyone all at once. Friends from TX and DC were here to just hug me and make me laugh and let me feel each emotion. People we knew stopped by briefly to just hug, spoil the kids, or leave food. Lots of extreme ups and downs, all very healing. After such a full, full day, I immediately slept a few hours tonight, feeling more exhausted than I've ever felt in my entire life, physically, emotionally, mentally. Then woke just now at 3am to being violently ill. I was finally able to eat a banana & some noodles throughout the day, but they all came back up this morning. My body just is not ready to accept food yet. I'm shaking from the weakness of exhaustion & inability to get an nutrients to stay down. But again, each breathe, one at a time, letting God sustain me and be my strength. I hope the children both sleep in tomorrow, as they seemed relieved and comfortable to be in their own beds tonight. Tomorrow is more paperwork at 10am, as military on the Lackland side come to the house to do that with me. Then I am told a birthday party of some sort tomorrow evening, as the kids closest friends spend a few hours eating pizza and cake. Then goodbyes and a plane trip back on Saturday. We will surely arrive back in CA absolutely exhausted, extremely sad from goodbyes, but also feeling a sense of closure and, I think, a healing peace from having gone through this, letting others share our grief and reach out to us. So many ups and downs, so much joy and sadness, moving forward, then trying to go backward, ultimately just one breath at a time.