That horrible Friday

That horrible Friday. The morning of Friday, June 24th, I received a call from Ryan's first sergeant asking me if I knew where Ryan was because he didn't come into work that day. I panicked and said I didn't know and I asked her to send someone to the house. She said they were already at the house, there was a letter on the porch, and they had called 911. I want to say it was about 9:30am in California, so 11:30 in Texas. That's all she would tell me over the phone. Then my neighbor called telling me there were military people and police all over our street looking for Ryan. I called and called Ryan, no answer. I texted him too. I talked to the police and told them to just break down the front door and go get him. They wouldn't. I was hysterical. Then I got texts and phone calls from military members (who is a blur, so I will just say from "the military") telling me that there was indication Ryan was not home, they asked for his vehicle information. Said they were trying to locate him. They wouldn't tell me anything else. I asked what the letter said and they wouldn't tell me, just said it had some "instructions." I was so scared at that point. I was frantically trying to find out what they meant by an indication that he wasn't at home. They finally said he was texting the commander and that he indicated he wasn't home. So I tried calling and left messages for Ryan telling him I loved him and I texted him telling him how much I love him, how much I need him, that whatever it is, I'm there for him, that we would walk the road together, that I just needed to hear his voice. I got no other info, the military stopped answering my calls/texts. Silence. Then I got a text from Ryan that said, "I love you, Jenny. Hug the kids for me." Followed by one that said, "I didn't mean for you to find out like this. I'm so sorry. I love you, Jenny." I kept texting and calling, but just silence after that. I think it was just after 10am, so 12noon in Texas. The military said they had tracked his cell phone to behind the Target parking lot. They used the vehicle info to find him. They said a cop was with him and would take him to a local hospital for psych evaluation. No one at any point mentioned a gun, not once. I told them I was going to the airport and they said they would pick me up and take me to Ryan when I arrived in Texas. I think the police took over from there, maybe they didn't release much info to the military, I don't fully know. But my dad was taking me to the airport when the commander called my cell phone. He asked to speak to my dad. And I said I wanted to know but he refused to speak to me, insisting he talk to my dad. My dad got out of the car, took the phone, and that's when I knew. I threw my purse and just screamed in pain cause I knew. I knew Ryan wasn't okay. My dad said they couldn't say anything, not to speculate, and that I need to not go to the airport. My dad thought they just needed time with Ryan before I saw him but I knew. I cried the whole way back to the house, then collapsed on the front lawn and just lied there sobbing. I started calling the military members and the commander, they just sent texts back saying to be patient, they would give me information as soon as they could, they were doing their best, etc... I just begged and pleaded for them to at least tell me he was alive and when they couldn't tell me that, I just wailed. The kids heard me outside, finally the commander told me that he was authorized to tell me Ryan was taken to the coroner. That's when I went inside to hug the children, who were scared and frightened and confused. The commander had proceeded to keep talking and I hung up on him. He called back and I screamed at him that I didn't want to hear any more. An hour later, the officers in formal uniform came with the formal letter. Ryan's mother called while they were here, as they were also visiting her at the same time, with the same dreaded letter. The initial news report said an airman was suspected of carrying out an attack but was apprehended before he could. That was an outright lie. The military public affairs office has fought that horrible gossip. Ryan was never near the base on Friday, never threatened anyone, he just was hurting himself. I was told his texts to the commander were about how he was sorry he had let him down. The only anger he expressed was that he had asked them not to contact me until afterwards, by delivering his letter. He was angry that I knew something was going on. Apparently a police officer approached him in the parking lot, saw the gun, and was trying to convince him to put the gun down. His car doors were locked and he pulled the trigger instead. Why he wouldn't just answer the phone when I was calling, I will never know. I could have comforted him, I should have been there. Maybe his letters will shed some light in the future. He carefully left letters to each of his family members that the police have confiscated for the time being. My dad said when Ryan left California earlier this week he had said, "take care of my family for me." I refuse to think he was planning all this for that long, hiding that much pain from us, but maybe he was. I don't know what kind of strength it takes to do that, but I know if he did, I missed it. I'm so sorry. I need another break. I will type more later.