Ryan's service

Ryan's service yesterday was difficult and yet beautiful. It was very sad but I felt a sense of peace. Maybe that is healing beginning? A friend said it was Ryan's presence yesterday helping me through the day. I think both are true. It hurt my heart SO much to see my babies crying so and know there is nothing I can do to change what they have lost. I fell apart when they played Taps. It was overwhelming how sad I felt. And then after everything was over and people left, I stayed to watch until they put Ryan in the ground and then I sat myself down on that patch of grass and clung to the flag they gave me and I just wept. How will life ever be okay? And yet I felt peaceful sitting there on the ground, praying, before we left the cemetery. The afternoon had smiles and hugs as family and friends came to hug us & visit. That was healing. And I thought I was okay until nighttime hits - this pain of missing Ryan seems to be too much. I cant sleep, I fear the quiet, and then when I do sleep, it is full of desperate nightmares, reliving that day I was trying so desperately to get to him and couldn't. Mornings I cant imagine even getting up. I just don't want to. I wish I could just stay in afternoons, where I am "okay." And not have to transition through the nights and mornings that hurt so badly. Please pray that a spirit of sorrow not consume me or the kids and that God's comfort be an ever present source of strength. The nighttime especially, as memories come flooding in and pain comes in waves that seem overwhelming, so I pray for restful sleep and that I find comfort, not fear, in the quiet.