So apparently September is Suicide Prevention Awareness month - it is all over my social media today, bringing up images and memories and thoughts I do not want to deal with or relive. But I am going to. You may have noticed I mostly have said my husband "passed away" in June or I "lost my husband." This is mostly because I could not wrap my mind around the taking of one's own life. But it is time to talk about it. Time to talk about death by suicide.
*Before I start, I am going to add the disclaimer here that the statistics I quote are from the national suicide prevention website and are real numbers, but all the rest of this post is simply my thoughts and opinions, and I am not an expert by any means on mental illness.
First, more years of life are lost to suicide than to any other single cause, except heart disease and cancer. Seriously, did you catch that? I had absolutely no idea. Second, suicide is not a choice. It is not. To say someone "commits" suicide is incorrect, the more correct term is to say that someone died by suicide - because for them, in that moment, it was not a choice. I have been reading a lot about suicide, because I was so shocked and desperately confused by what happened to my husband, that I want and need to understand what Ryan's thought processes were that day. How could this have happened? I never saw it coming, it was like being hit by a train. My Ryan? How? Why? But maybe if by sharing my experience, someone reading this can "see it coming" for someone they love, it can save a life.
When I say Ryan did not have a choice that day, I see it kind of like a person in a burning building. If you are surrounded by flames ready to consume you, you will run for any escape you see, sometimes even an open window many stories up. You simply react to the all consuming flames of pain. Those of us with healthy minds may not understand that because we may know that there are other exits, but when depression takes over and smoke clouds the vision, they do not see it. Depression lies. The enemy of our souls creates depression to try to separate us from the love of God. Our enemy knows there is no way to defeat our God head on, so he looks for cracks and vulnerabilities that he can use. The more vulnerable of a situation that a person is, the more forceful the enemy attacks. Have you ever noticed how everything seems worse or hopeless when you are exhausted or stressed out? But usually things seem more okay when you are well rested, healthy, and surrounded by other believers? It is because the enemy knows his attacks are useless when faced with the full power of God. But if he can weasel his way into our weaknesses, he can gain some ground. I believe that the more depression and PTSD began to take root in Ryan, the stronger the enemy attacks on him were.
Depression or PTSD can make a person feel like they are being completely consumed by a fire. And it is not just "in their mind," depression causes a physical pain throughout the whole body that can become absolutely unbearable to live with. As this happens, those suffering will look for ways out or seek water to quench that fire. "Water" is God's truth and the beauty in His creation. I believe most people contemplating suicide seek that truth with every bit of their being, wanting to see it, grab it, and survive. I know my Ryan did. He wanted to live and be healthy - he said so in his letters and by faithfully going to his mental health appointments week after week these past few years. He wanted life. He tried desperately to cling to it. But if the fire gets too intense or too hot, it evaporates all that living water a person is desperately thirsting for. At some point, if there just is not enough water and the fire threatens to consume, a person is forced to take the only escape route they can. It's not a choice.
Next, I do not believe suicide is selfish. Ninety percent of those who die by suicide have a mental illness. Ryan fought depression and some form of PTSD, from traumatic former military assignments. And just as our hearts, livers, kidneys, etc. malfunction, so can our brains. Think about the complexity of which God created our minds, something so complex can malfunction just as much, if not more, than any other vital organ. Depression and PTSD can make a person believe things about themselves that are the complete opposite of who they really are - it is a distorted and untrue perception that the enemy plants in our minds. I know for certain my husband's perception of himself, during those final moments, was so far from reality that it is extremely difficult for my healthy mind to even understand. But that is what depression and other mental illnesses do - they lie. They make us believe that we cannot go on. The smoke and consuming fire of depression obscures and evaporates our living water, God's perception of us, the truth.
And for Christians, suicide does not mean a lack of faith. Remember, mental illness is a disease. Like any other life-threatening physical disease, if we do not seek help, death is usually the inevitable result. When someone dies from cancer or heart disease we don’t say, “If only they had focused on God and had a little more faith.” It is my opinion that those suffering from mental illnesses, who have faith, do want to focus on God's truth and do seek Him, perhaps even more desperately than those of us with healthy minds. However, sometimes the illness is so aggressive, so consuming, it takes over. And just as when a loved one loses a fight to any other disease, it can be so tough to try to understand how something like this can happen. It does not make sense to us and it certainly does not seem fair. But I will tell you what I know - I know God does not ever cause horrific things to happen. As I have said before, God grieves and weeps with us when these horrific things happen. And I know our God is good and I know that those truths that Ryan wanted so badly to possess, he now does. Ryan gets to see the whole picture now - he can see now the intense pain caused by his death and intercede on behalf of the children and I now. He can see the lies that he was fed melt away by God's comfort and truth. I do not say this to condone or show approval of death or suicide in any way - death by suicide creates more pain than it undoes. Every life is precious. Every life has a purpose. The pain does not go away when a person dies by suicide, it simply transfers it from the person hurting to their survivors left behind. Ryan can see that now, and hence, intercede on our behalf.
I plan to share more thoughts and prayers about this topic of suicide and mental illness because, for me, suicide prevention awareness is not just in September - it is part of every day of my life, part of my every waking thought. It has left a scar on my heart forever and a desperate sense of wanting others to understand and reach out to those hurting, more urgently than anything else I know right now.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Phone Number: 1-800-273-8255.
*I have also been asked if others can share this post. I am humbled that my ramblings could be helpful to others. If so, please feel free to share. Share away. Let's talk about this. Let's have Ryan's voice and so many others who struggle with this disease's voices heard, these precious, precious souls deserve it.
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