consider it pure joy

Today is one of those "down" days, where my plans got cancelled and without a "purpose" to get out of the house for, I find myself spiraling downward into sadness. So I am spending some time thinking back to this past Sunday's sermon, which was on James 1. When I looked at the bulletin that morning and saw those verses printed, I inwardly groaned. James 1:2 says, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds..."  Consider it pure joy?  I have been struggling these past few months with finding joy in the midst of pain, with feeling guilty when I do get glimpses of joy, and learning how joy and pain can coexist.  But asking me to consider my trials themselves as joy?  Oh, no, no, no... I am not there yet, God.  That is just asking too much of me.

But we are often asked to take on than we can handle. I have heard people say that God does not give us more than we handle - but that is not true. Nor is it in the Bible. Seriously. I looked. God cares for each of us immensely. But He promises to be our strength and graciously carry us when we fall down beneath a burden we cannot handle, not prevent every too-heavy burden in life from falling on our weak shoulders. God cares about our character more than our comfort - so he uses these heavy burdens that fall upon us to shape our character. It is God making good out of anything. But it often does not "feel" good to us.

So consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds... How do I deal with that verse? First, I think it means something a little different than my first impression. Our pastor said that looking at the word "consider" in this translation means to think carefully, tabulate, or count up. And "joy" in the Biblical context means giving praise to God. So we are essentially being asked to count up our praises to God, even in the face of our trials. That sounds a little more do-able to me... If I am in the middle of the storm and I can look carefully around and spot something, anything, that is worthy of praising God for, then I am "considering joy." So, again, maybe considering joy in the face of trails is not so much a command to please God, but something God asks of us for our own good. I am finding He does that a lot. The whole obedience thing... If we can find and focus on and think on those joyful things, it helps us endure the trials. "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things." (Phil 4:8)

And to continue the verses in James, we consider joy in the face of trials "because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance" (vs. 3) So if we start trying to find joy in the midst of trials, we will learn to preserve - to push through the hard work until new habits are formed. And we are to "let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" (vs. 4). Again, God's reminder that his instructions are for our own good... But here is the best part: "If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you" (vs. 5). So even in the midst of seeking to find that glimmer of hope in the chaos, the flicker of light in a dark room, we can still go before God and ask Him questions. He invites us to. So my inward groan on Sunday morning, God was expecting it. He knew I would be asking, "why this verse? why?" And He has been answering - because He knows what is best for me. He knows where I need to set my thoughts and what I need to "consider" in order to heal.

Here is the rest of the verses in the Sunday bulletin (James 1:6-12): "But when you ask, you must believe and not doubt, because the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That person should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. Such a person is double-minded and unstable in all they do. Believers in humble circumstances ought to take pride in their high position. But the rich should take pride in their humiliation - since they will pass away like a wild flower. For the sun rises with scorching heat and withers the plant; its blossom falls and its beauty is destroyed. In the same way, the rich will fade away even while they go about their business. Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."

To me, this is pretty much God's way of saying: "I am here, I love you, I will heal you. But you must trust that I will. Let me do my job. Even in the midst of pain, do not doubt that I have got this. Because I have got this. It all turns out okay and will be made beautiful in the end, it really will." Because the truth is it does turn out okay in the end. God does have this. The victory is already won.

"When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality, then the saying that is written will come true: "Death has been swallowed up in victory." 'Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?' The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ." (1 Cor. 15:54-57)

You see, for me personally, Ryan's death took the "sting" out of death for me. I knew in my mind that Jesus had defeated death, but I don't really think it ever "sunk in" to my heart what that truly means for me, until Ryan died. Seeing Ryan's body lowered into the ground that afternoon, after his funeral, and sitting on that patch of grass, clinging to the flag they gave me, I was forced to really consider death. Up until that point I believe I was still in denial that my beloved Ryan was not coming back to me. And then I was in a dark, dark place that weekend that followed as I had to acknowledge what that meant. Ryan was gone from earth forever. It was a reality I was not okay with. But slowly these past few months I have begun to piece together what death means. Mostly this was in an attempt to give explanations to my grieving children. But I learned a lot in considering my words to them.

For the first time, I do not fear death. In fact, these past few months I have often felt that if I just did not wake up the next morning, that would be totally fine with me. I welcome it. I am ready. I have heard Ryan's dear grandmother (she is in her late 90's) say she is ready for years now. She lost her husband in her 30's as well, just like me. And I never understood how she could say she was just "waiting" for God to take her, happy if he would any day now. But I truly do understand that now - when you lose half of yourself to heaven, you can't wait to get there - the "sting" of death is gone. I will clarify that I am not thinking about harming myself or having suicidal thoughts in any way, but just that death does not scare me. I know I still have things I have to do here on earth, one of which is to see our two beautiful children grow up. But I explained to the children that we are not saying good-bye to Daddy, because we are not. Ryan is with God and waiting for us and interceding on our behalves as we finish out the work we still have to do here on worth. And if we spend 100 years here fulfilling God's tasks, it is but a blink of an eye in the timespan of eternity. It really is, even when it does not "feel" that way. And it is a beautiful and comforting thought that God walks with us through the trials and that Ryan is waiting on us, cheering us on. So that is what I "consider" when my days are full of trials.

Below are a few recent pictures of Ryan's dear grandma, our kids great grandma, that I mentioned.