Charlie's grief journey

So Saturday was a rough day.  Neither of my children had cried since Ryan's funeral and I know the emotions are in there, but children grieve differently than adults.  Children can bounce back and be joyful and carry on with that childlike faith that life is still good, much more so than us adults can.  But the emotions are still in there, I see it in the quiet moments my children have or in that spark of recognition when someone triggers a memory of Daddy, followed by the subtle crestfallen look that follows.  But mostly my kids have been doing "okay," but not sharing emotions.  I have just been waiting for when (if?) the emotions will hit?

Yesterday, around noon, seemingly out of nowhere, Charlie crumbled up in a ball of sickness and grief and tears.  I really thought he was getting the flu by how quickly he curled up in pain.  But it was all the grief pouring out.  I spent the afternoon sitting with him and talking with him and crying (A LOT) with him.  I am so thankful he is opening up though.  I sat and prayed over him as I held him, thankful that he was feeling and releasing.  I told him how very proud I was of him for crying and how much our bodies need that cry, as it is the method God gave us for letting the sad out.  Keeping the sad in can make us sick.  I was then able to tell Charlie more about his Daddy's mental illness and what that means and then speak truth to him about heaven and God. 

I still have not told either Kate or Charlie exactly how Ryan died, I still think it is not time just yet.  But for the first time, I talked with Charlie about how mental illness caused Ryan's brain to stop working right, just like a disease or illness of any other organ.  And I shared with Charlie that Ryan wrote him a letter that last day when he knew he could not fight his illness anymore.  A letter filled with love and how much his Daddy loves him and is proud of him.  More tears.  Healing tears.  We just talked about Daddy a lot today.  And we talked about heaven and angels and God's goodness.

Charlie, being my logical, math and numbers kid, needed to understand, in his own way, how heaven works.  So I explained that when I feel as sad and overcome with grief as Charlie is currently feeling, I try to remember that eternity with God (where there is no mental illness or sadness or pain), eternity is so, so long and perfect that it makes our time here on earth seem short.  I told my 10 year old Char that if he lives to be 100 years old and spends 90 more years here on earth, that those 90 years are so, so tiny in comparison to the rest of infinity years we get to spend with Daddy.  Daddy is waiting for us and free from pain or hurt.  That there is no death in heaven, because Jesus defeated death.  But Daddy and God first wants him to live a happy, joyful, complete life all those 90 years here on earth because we have good to do and people to help and God's purposes to fulfill first.  And although it doesn't feel like it, those years here are so short and small compared to the eternity we all get to spend in a place with no sadness.  Charlie seemed to grasp that idea readily and liked knowing that Daddy isn't gone forever, that he is just waiting for us and praying for us.  I saw his spirits lift a bit - praise God.

I have been praying that God fill me with the right words for my Kate and Charlie, but more importantly that God comfort the kids enough to let their sadness and grief out in a healthy way.  If you think of it, please pray for God's timing in my children's own grief journeys and for me to be able to be there for them when they need it. My mama heart was breaking for Charlie this weekend.  And Katherine still has not wanted to talk, she seems to disappear into her art and chatting with friends for now.  But God knows the timing of each of my children's hearts - we will all grieve, thankfully it has just one child at a time...  Yesterday it was our precious Charlie's turn and I am so thankful he is letting me into his quiet little world this weekend.