May 8th

Today is May 8th - sixteen years ago Ryan and I said "I do" to each other by a beautiful little waterfall. In 2001 I was 21 and he was 23, we were such babies at the time! I have never regretted any moment of our time together, even now. I wouldn't trade the pain of missing him for the time we did have together because God knew the number of Ryan's days before he was even born and the fact that a large portion of those days were shared with me was a gift I will forever be thankful for. I am sure I will get asked today "how are you doing?" and the answer is "I am okay."  I hesitate to answer that question most of the time because the answer is so so much more complicated than the three words of "I am okay." The real answer? Here are my thoughts on that:

"I am okay and I am finding joy in my life again. My tender heart feels and appreciates happiness and joy and laughter - and craves it! - because I know what it feels not to have those emotions. And, yes, this is one of those 'difficult' days but I am truly okay with it. The most difficult part is usually answering that question to others. When they ask me and I smile and I say 'I am good and God is good' there is often this puzzled or sad look I get from others like they are trying to figure out why I am smiling. And then I am usually struck with guilt over not appearing appropriately somber enough or teary eyed enough and feel like I have to suddenly 'appear sad' for them...  But really today I do smile and I talk about my wonderful Ryan joyfully. I have been somber and teary-eyed too long and it is exhausting. Very exhausting. So today I remember our marriage with a smile because I was so very happy being married. And if you ask how I am doing, I will say 'I am okay' because now, in this moment, I am okay. I knew our anniversary was approaching, I mentally prepared for it, I have others checking in on me today, and I had a healthy mindset going into today. These 'milestone' days aren't always the most difficult ones. The most difficult days are the ordinary days, where I haven not prepared myself and something sneaks up on me that I was not expecting - that song that comes unexpectedly on the radio, that airman in uniform passing by with rolled up sleeves, the wife complaining about something annoying her husband does & you miss that annoying habit with everything in you, or that nosy person at church who leans over and asks, 'how come you never bring your husband to church with you?' - those moments I can not possibly mentally prepare for and do not see coming, those are the more difficult ones. Those are the ones where I smile the best I can while my heart breaks all over again in the inside and I fight my tear ducts from completely overflowing in public. But today, this anniversary of when we said 'I do' and 'until death do we part,' that is a day that I smile - a genuine smile and not the false facade of holding it together. Because I have those precious memories of the years God gave me to hold onto until we are reunited in heaven. How can I not smile and be thankful for that kind of love and joy? So now, in this moment, I am okay."