broken pieces

May and June are a maze of "special days" to navigate through.  May brought what would have been our 16th anniversary and Ryan's 40th birthday, with Mother's Day squeezed in between.  Then we have Memorial Day weekend approaching, followed by Father's Day and the one year anniversary of Ryan's death.  I have heard some people call it their "angelversary" or some other cutesy term, but I have not decided if I like that idea yet.  For now I will just call it June 24th.  There is a part of me that can not believe Ryan has been gone almost a year already - and then the other part of me looks at where I was a year ago and all that has happened and can not believe it has only been a year...  

As I was reflecting on that idea this past week, I realized that it was sometime during, or right after, the winter holidays that I started to kind of slowly re-join life.  The children too (probably because they seem to have followed my example through this grief journey).  This past Friday evening I was at Charlie's STEM expo (science fair) and I watched him excitedly run around the auditorium with the boys he built his project with, checking out each experiment and goofing around like 10 year old boys do.  Then one of the girls from Katherine's ballet class found her and called her over, so she went to go chat with her friend, smiling and talking.  And I stood there by myself in the middle of that busy, noisy, chaotic auditorium and just praised God.  I was watching my kids being pure kids again  - smiling, laughing, interacting, and enjoying new friendships.  There was always a special joy that came after every military move we made when I would see my resilient children settle in and chose to make the new place their "home."  A special joy from seeing them embrace their new situation and commit to new friendships.  It was a special joy and a settling in that I was afraid might not happen this time.  In fact a year ago, I could not picture or imagine that for them - and that is very painful for a mama's heart to go through.  I think my sister came by the STEM expo as I was observing all this and I grabbed her arm and squealed at her, "They have FRIENDS!  Like real actual friends!"  And then shortly after a couple of homeschool parents came over to me and I found myself also laughing and talking with them.  And I realized - I have friends!  I never thought I would be "normal" again or be able to make new friends again - because a part of me died last summer and would never be the same.

I am not the same person I was before at all.  A mentor of mine had said something to me several months ago that really stuck with me.  She said something about me living and existing like a timid little kitten inside a dark cage (of depression and grief) and that often when that scared little animal discovers the freedom of breaking out of that cage, they run around and embrace their freedom with a sense of awe and joy.  It did not make a lot of sense to me at the time she shared that story with me, but I think that metaphor describes what my soul feels like on the inside this spring!  I have finally been able to actively join the homeschool group here and get to know the sweet other moms.  I kind of attempted last fall and winter but I was too timid to really get to know anyone.  Once I got past the very scary part of being vulnerable enough to share my story with them though, I was able to make some sweet new friendships.  And to be honest, some deep friendships from having shared my vulnerabilities and thus opening the door for others to share their sorrows and aches and stories with me.  One other parent shared with me how his dad had attempted suicide and how that affected their family - it touched my heart deeply.  Another parent shared about her abusive mother.  These are stories that let us really get to know and pray for each other, instead of having a superficial interest in each other's well being.  The last few Tuesdays (homeschool park and pool day), I have found myself sitting back in that familiar and comfortable place of talking with other mamas about our children, comparing curriculum (cause we homeschool mamas LOVE to talk about curriculum!), and fellowshipping with these dear sweet women God has introduced into my life in this season.   It is such a familiar and comfortable place for me - and a place I never ever thought I would be able to return to.  And at the same time I have had this freedom of embracing the idea that my life is not the same, it will never be, but I can find confidence and hope in that.

And it is not that I do not miss Ryan terribly each and every day or that I do not wish with every bone in my body that he would just somehow come back.  I would give anything to have him walk through that door right now.   But in order to survive the sadness, the overwhelming and all-consuming sadness, I have had to search for the joy or find those tiny slivers of happiness and cling to them with everything I have - and sometimes that joy has just simply smiling at or blessing others.  That joy has been lounging in a pool chair connecting with other mamas.  It has been deciding not to make dinner just because I don't feel like it that night.  It has been jumping in the car & taking the kids to the beach on a whim.  It was the noisy chaos of a science fair.  It was spending the whole day gardening because that was what I wanted to do that day, or it was the little bird out singing in the yard, just singing for no other reason than just the sake of singing.  Just random little things that bring joy - I am so thankful for each and every little one of them.

There is still a loneliness deep inside but finally being brave enough to attempt friendships has helped so much. Having my sister & her family just down the street has helped so much.  Being connected with my precious church family has helped so much.  God is SO good to have blessed me with each of these.  And this past winter I applied for a two-year program in spiritual formation and just found out this past week that God has seen fit to bless me with one of the 45 spots for the fall.  It will be a lot of work but I am so excited to see what doors and opportunities God opens through that program.  I am excited to see how He continues to grow me and shape me and remind me of the joy and beauty He has surrounded me with.  I watched helplessly as my life shattered to pieces last summer and then God has spent a year using those broken pieces to make a new creation.  And I think allowing Him to do that honors Ryan - depression and death do not get the final word here.  They do not win.  God is making all things new - even me and my future.  And goodness, I have fought Him on it, I have cried tears over wanting the old me back, it has hurt and been unbearably painful, but ultimately my joy is found in realizing how each of those broken pieces are being repurposed by the One who knows my heart and loves me more deeply than I know.