This past year literally brought me to my knees, trusting in the Lord and His path for my life more than ever before. I was brought to my knees that day in June that I collapsed, trying to comprehend the news I was just given - Ryan is gone. Brought to my knees, on freshly laid grass, clutching the flag given to me at the cemetery. Brought to my knees, praying fervently for healing and for the hearts of my children. But I am still standing – I am standing and straddling that line – with joy on one side and sorrow on the other. And if there is anything I have learned this year it is that joy and sorrow are not mutually exclusive. Extreme grief can indeed coexist with a God-given joy and a hope for the future.
Although this year was easily a horrific nightmare worse than I could ever have imagined and I am still continuing on this unending journey of grief, 2016 also brought some new beginnings. The beginning of an even deeper relationship with our loving God - a relationship I have had for a long time but one I never knew could exist so deeply. There were days where I did not think I could take the next breathe, or even want to, without Ryan, and it was during those moments I could literally feel the presence of our Lord – the feeling of His comforting embrace letting me know the children and I were going to be okay. I just needed to trust in Him. "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)
It also brought new beginnings in the form of new friendships, with those who has walked their own broken roads and have both loved and lost. Those precious other survivors have blessed me with their gift of friendship, their time, and their love, bringing much hope, healing, happiness, and joy to my life, when I have so desperately needed it. I am thankful for their presence in my life.
This year brought me closer to some existing relationships as well - my children, my family and those friends who stood by me, not leaving my side, in the darkest of my days. God knew it was these people I would need at just that exact point in my life, not necessarily for the time in which I met them. I will forever be grateful to those who listened night after night as I worked through my tears, my feelings, and my darkest thoughts over and over. I am ever so thankful for those of you who let the Lord use you as his hands and heart here on earth to me. Thank you.
And as 2016 draws to an ends, I have realized I am a survivor. I make a choice every morning - sometimes that choice is not without a fight - but I choose to move forward and not only survive, but find joy in this life on earth, while listening to the Lord. Ryan's letter to me said that he wanted me to be happy, remember the good, and live life - I think making the choice each morning to step forward in God's will is the best way I know how to honor Ryan.
Last year, as 2015 drew to an end, I wished for a better year. 2015 had left me upset over spending several months stuck in bed after a back injury, back surgery, and hours of physical therapy learning to reuse my leg again. I wished for a better 2016. As I look towards 2017, I am of course hopeful for good things, but mostly I am thankful for God's loving presence, knowing He will be with me through whatever joys, trials, excitement, or sorrow awaits. Whatever the circumstances of the new year, God is still good. He always has been and always will be. "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." Isaiah 43:2
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