a fresh wave

So I woke up at 4am this morning and I can't sleep, just overcome with a fresh wave a grief, out of nowhere really, and seemingly as strong as it was back in June.  I have not had a "wave" this strong in quite awhile, in fact I have been doing pretty well lately.  I don't know if it is the holiday season, an emotional weekend, exhaustion, or a grief I did not realize was building.  But this morning it is like I can't breathe again.  I can't stop the flow of raw unending tears.  I can't stop the hurt and the pain.

I have been lying here going through pictures of my Ryan for the past hour, crying over each one.  The ones that hurt the most are the ones of my children, clinging to their daddy the way children do, with big smiles on their faces.  It hurts to know that they won't ever get to cling to their daddy in that childlike, loving way ever again on this side of heaven.  These pictures I have are simply not enough.  It hurts to know I will never hear the sound of the key turning in the lock at our front door, followed by the familiar squeal of delight reserved only for Ryan of, "Daddy is home!!"  Mommies do not get that squeal.  That was a greeting for Daddy, and Daddy alone.  And it is gone.

I miss him so very badly.  It hurts so much.  I think sometimes I convince myself he is just deployed or at work or something, but this morning I know and I feel the truth - that he is not.  I know he is gone.  I FEEL he is gone.  Oh, I would desperately give anything to see Ryan walk through the door right now, to embrace me, to hear the children's happy squeal, to have him back.  But I do not get that.  And it just hurts oh so much.