Daddy Bear

Unpacking more boxes today and found Ryan's deployment gear, his WHCA suits, as well as gifts we had given the kids when Ryan deployed.  A few of the items were Charlie's "Daddy blanket" and "Daddy Bear."  The Daddy blanket was a small quilt I made during the first deployment Charlie experienced in 2011.  Charlie was only four years old and explaining a six month deployment to a four year old can be challenging.  So we made the Daddy blanket with Ryan's picture on it, so Charlie could still "hug" Daddy when he wasn't here.  And the Daddy Bear is a build-a-bear we stuffed together, wearing AF blues, that has Ryan's voice recorded  in it.  I was hesitant to push the button, thinking after all these years the battery must surely be gone by now.  But amazingly, when I pushed the button in Daddy Bear's paw, Ryan's voice came through.  It says, "Hi Charlie Bear.  I love you and I miss you.  I will see you as soon as I can.  Your Daddy loves you!"  I recorded the message on my phone so I can keep Ryan's voice even after that battery in the bear finally goes.  I know Kate's "Daddy blanket" and a "Daddy Owl" (with recording) are still somewhere, just haven't come across them yet.  The other item I found and had completely forgotten about is a recorded book, where Ryan read aloud "Guess How Much I Love You" for the kids, so he could still "read" to them at night when he was gone.  I had totally forgotten about that book recording all these years!  And of course the battery in that is dead, but I am curious to see if the recording will still be there with a new battery?  Not sure if I can handle hearing Ryan read that book out loud right now, but I would love to retrieve it for the kids to treasure.  Ryan was such a good, loving daddy.

As I found these items, I asked Charlie if he wanted them in his room or if he wanted me to put them in a box in his closet.  I wasn't sure what he would answer, but he readily wanted his "Daddy gear" close by.  He also got Ryan's DCU and BDU hats, along with Ryan's camelback.  Charlie hung Ryan's hats on his wall hook and wore the camelback around the house all evening, drinking out of it.  He put the Daddy blanket on his bed.  At bedtime, however, my little boy broke down into tears.  I knew it was a lot for him to take in emotionally, receiving Daddy's stuff and missing his daddy so much.  It is a lot for me to take in.  And Charlie was Ryan's little buddy.  So it has been an emotional evening, followed by an emotional bedtime, just sitting and holding my hurting baby boy.  But tears are God's way of letting us release our sadness and as painful as it is, I am thankful my little guy can do that.  We talked a lot more tonight about Daddy, how Daddy watches over us, about mental illness and suicide, and about God's amazing love and heaven. Again, I just ask for prayers tonight for little Char, as he processes his grief, and that since I can not take the pain away, that I can at least be some comfort to him.  And that his "Daddy gear" bring more comfort than pain.

Daddy Bear

Daddy blanket