After a moment I collected myself and I replied by saying, "My husband died last summer and I bought this little puppy right after he died to keep me company. I kind of need you to tell me what is best for him so that he will be okay." And then I sat and waited for the shock to hit her face, which is always the next step when I tell people my husband died. Then after that one of two things always happens next - the person I am talking will will be so incredibly uncomfortable that they avoid or ignore what I just told them and instead attempt to carry on an awkward "normal" conversation -or- I will then be hit with a string of "I'm so sorry" condolences followed by a game of 20 questions. It seems like the former situation would not happen often, but I am surprised how that is actually the more common reaction. People will hear me say that my husband is no longer alive and have no idea how to respond, so they will simply say, "oh" and then keep the conversation going like I never said anything odd or shocking or uncomfortable at all. Something along the lines of, "Oh, well, I see, then your options for the dog are to either take him home and supervise him or leave him here for us to monitor," etc... Or if the person I am talking to is more the 20 question kind of person, I will get a response like, "Oh, I am so sorry, so, so sorry, what happened?" And then I am the uncomfortable one now having to explain my story to some stranger when I just may not really be in the mood to go through. It is exhausting to share my story.
And please don't misunderstand, I know people mean well and I know they are not trying to be rude by avoiding a conversation involving death and I know they are not trying to be nosy when they ask me a zillion personal questions about the death - they simply do not know how to respond. I honestly have to think back to the times I tried to talk to friends or acquaintances who had just experienced a loss and I am POSITIVE I made some of these mistakes. If you are one of those such people and you are reading this, please accept my sincerest apology - I truly had no idea how to relate to your pain or your situation, so I obviously did not know what words would help or hurt. So I can and do absolutely understand why or how others unintentionally say the "wrong" thing to me. And I hold absolutely no ill will. I see your hearts and I know your intentions are good. But, still, there is a very predictable pattern to what kind of answers I get. So I had just told the veterinarian that I obviously could not call my husband and I waited to see if today would be the option A response or the option B response. But this sweet lady surprised me with an option C response! I wanted to share this because it was absolutely the best way to respond to a person experiencing loss.
She looked me right in the eye, sat down, and said, "Oh my goodness, that is just horrible. Absolutely horrible. I am so sorry I said that, how insensitive of me. You know what, we are going to do whatever is best for you with this dog. If it is best for you to have him home with you, then let's absolutely get him ready to go home and you can bring him back in at any point that you feel worried or you feel he is not improving. My door is open 24/7 if you need to walk back in at ANY point for us to take a look at Ollie." This sweet lady then went on to ask if I had kids, we talked about our kids, and she asked about Ryan - not how he died or what happened - but she asked about his life, like what did he do and how were my kids with him and then we each talked about our husbands. She was amazing. The first thing she did was acknowledge that this sucks - she said "that is just horrible." Yes, it is absolutely horrible. Someone acknowledging the fact that my husband is not alive and I can not call him for advice when I am upset is horrible. She did not attempt to divert the conversation away from Ryan, nor did she say anything cliché like "I'm so sorry for your loss." She did say she was sorry, but she was apologizing for assuming I could call my husband - she was not saying she was sorry for me. Nor did she ask what happened. She simply sat with me, acknowledged the pain, and then she talked with me like another caring human about my husband's life. His life! Her husband is a firefighter and so she could relate to being married to someone who serves. She was compassionate and sweet - and she was able to share that compassion with me in the span of maybe 10 minutes of her time. She did not spend the whole morning talking, she just simply and truthfully was present and honest with me - and our short interaction meant the world to me.
I share all this because I wish I had known years ago that this is the most comforting way to respond to a person hurting. Acknowledge their hurt, be present and real, and talk with them about life, not death. I love to talk about Ryan's life - what a great dad he was, how intelligent and caring he was, how honest and selfless he was, how committed he was to serving, his sense of humor and wit - I love to talk about those things. I grow so weary of talking about his death - answering the "what happened" and then having to "put on" the sadness of the situation as I tell the painful story. Ryan's life is 39 years of events; his death was one horrific day. I carry the sadness of that day with me 24/7, I do not need to pull it out for others. I much prefer to "put on" the joy and talk about Ryan's memories. So, please, please, if you all are talking to someone experiencing a loss, before you default to option A or option B, realize that there is an option C. It may seem uncomfortable or scary to you, but confirming how horrific a horrific situation was is simply the truth we live with every day and we appreciate the acknowledgement more than any other cliché sentiments, no matter how well-intentioned they may be. And asking about joyful memories is what we crave to hear and share - these two things are absolutely what the person hurting wants and needs to have expressed to them. The veterinarian lady got it right and she made a huge difference in my day, not only in cheering me up but also in demonstrating how best I can talk to and interact with others who are hurting.
And to update, my little Ollie is doing much better. He bounced back by Monday and is now fully back to his spunky little self again. His regular veterinarian ran some further tests yesterday, to check liver function and such, in an attempt to rule out any major health problems. I am still awaiting the results. If they all come back normal, then the most reasonable explanation is that it was a one-time event. Perhaps he got into something he should not have? Or ate something when out on his walk that I did not notice? We may never know. But at only 5 pounds in size, it would not take much to affect him. I am keeping a close eye on the little guy and praying that his tests all come back normal, but in the mean time the children and I are just happy to have our little cuddle monster feeling better. And I am thankful for caring, compassionate people who instinctively know best how to take care of both my little puppy buddy and my own hurting emotions.
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| Little puppy not feeling well |
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| Ollie at the pet hospital |
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| Perky puppy feeling better |
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