sun and rain

I am reading "The Good and Beautiful God: Falling in Love with the God Jesus Knows" by James Bryan Smith and I am reminded more and more of God's love, not just in spite of the tragic events of last year, but because of and through Ryan's death.  I think I truly thought most of my life that if I lived a good, obedient life (the best that I could), that God would bless me and my family.  But that core idea was pulled out from under me last year when Ryan died.  If I had my faith in Jesus and was striving to do good, why would God have allowed Ryan to die?  Why didn't God heal Ryan?  Why would God put my children and I through such pain? But giving me what I want because I do good things is simply not how God works - and this is a good thing!

In Mathew 5:45 Jesus says, "For he makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and on the unjust."  Jesus is telling us an obvious truth, that the sunshine and rain are given equally to saints and sinners with no distinction to their behavior.  Terrible things happen to wonderful people.  Wonderful things happen to awful people.  We cannot look around the world we live in and build a case that sinners are punished and righteous people are blessed.  It simply is not the case - and, again, this is a good thing.

Augustine of Hippo, who lived in the fourth century, said, "We do not know why God's judgement makes a good man poor, and a wicked man rich... Nor why the wicked man enjoys the beat of health, whilst the man of religion wastes away in illness... Even then it is not consistent... Good men also have good fortune and evil men find evil fortunes... So though we do not know by what judgement these things are carried out or permitted by God, in whom is the highest virtue and the highest wisdom and the highest justice, and in whom there is no weakness nor rashness nor unfairness, it is none the less beneficial for us to learn not to regard as important the good or evil fortunes which we see shared by good and evil persons alike... Rather we must seek out the good things peculiar to the good, and give wide berth to the evils peculiar to evil men."

You see, God's love is not dependent on our behavior or good works, God just simply is love.  Smith says in his book that "He gives blessings to all without regard to their behavior."  He blesses the good and the evil.  Seriously.  I had to read that several times.... "God gives blessings to all without regard to their behavior."  And, conversely, tragedies happen to all, regardless of our behavior.

Augustine was being honest - we just simply do not know why God allows this "even distribution" of blessings and tragedies, sunshine and rain.  BUT Augustine also points out that God is good and he guides us to the conclusion that it is simply not worthwhile to spend our time worrying about WHY good or bad things happen because not only can we not know, but that that preoccupation will keep us from focusing on the right things. We should not focus our attention on the blessings that are "evenly distributed" to all, good and evil, but instead we can focus on the blessings that, as Augustine says, "are peculiar to the good" or given only to those who strive to do good.  So what are those peculiar things?

Think of the times when you have blessed another person - brought them a meal, sat with them in their sadness, hugged or encouraged a person in despair, smiled at a stranger in a grocery store.  When you have blessed someone else, do you not then feel a ray of sunshiney joy in your own heart?  This is a blessing unknown to those who do wrong.  Those who are selfish or spiteful or mean do not know the feeling that those who share themselves freely and lovingly feel.  And conversely, Augustine says to "give the widest berth to the evils peculiar to evil men" because those who are selfish and resentful are already intimately acquainted with guilt, loneliness, remorse, and even self-hatred.  They already know what it feels like to have darkness surrounding them.  That, alone, does not provide justice but Smith points out in his book that it does give us a glimpse of the goodness of God.  God promises that those who love and serve, those who are honest and faithful, they will know a kind of joy and peace that those who do evil will never know.

Of course, there will still be a judgement day in the end, when God will have the final say and make all things right.  And only then will we be able to glimpse an understanding of why the sun and rain were allowed to befall on all.  Why good things can happen to awful people and horrific things happen to good people.  I believe then, when we are able to see as God sees, we will understand that God was indeed just.  But until then, being unable to grasp that, being confused and even saddened by what we witness, we must focus our thoughts on what we CAN count on - those good consequences that come solely from living our lives in the example of Christ: character, disposition, reputation, etc..

The joy and peace that come from lying the "why's" of tragedy at God's feet and choosing to bless others, being thankful for God's goodness, and loving others wholeheartedly is a joy and peace that can not be shaken.  I will not know on this side of heaven why God allowed Ryan to die at age 39 or why He allowed myself and the children to suffer such a horrific, painful loss.  But I do know that He changed my heart to be filled with compassion for those hurting, He comforted me through my pain in such a way that I felt His presence like I never guessed I would, and He filled me with an appreciation for all the little things in life.  How precious each moment is here on earth, each relationship, each person we get to interact with.

I can truly say that right now, in this place, I have joy and love in my heart.  I miss Ryan with a deep sorrow everyday but I am so thankful for the bond with my family that came as a result of them having ministered to our hearts and serving us when I could not do what needed doing.  I am so thankful for the friendships that have blossomed and gone deep from having been raw and real and honest about this life's pain with each other.  I am so thankful for the new relationships that have developed from the move and transitions of our new life going forward.  I am so thankful for being able to love and live again, for finding happiness and joy again, amidst the sorrow.  And this time knowing it is a joy that can not be shaken, that is not earned, but one that simply just is. There exists a joy and peace that is not dependent on our life situations, that those who trust in God know deep in their hearts.  And what a beautiful thing that our God gives us that.

"For through the law I died to the law, so that I might live to God.  I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me." (Gal. 2:19-20)