Quote

"Grief is a tonic . It is a healing elixir, made of tears that lubricate the heart. Grief is proof of our love, a demonstration of how deeply we have allowed another to touch us. " E. Lesser
When I first read this quote, it didn't mean a lot to me, as I was mostly just trying to escape the tears and the grief and wanted to curl up and wait for the pain to go away. Then I felt overwhelmed with the thought of how long and impossible that road will be. But I realized this week that grief isn't something to run from, it is always always going to be a part of me. And as I go through the tears and waves of pain, it becomes more familiar. The tears become familiar and I can endure each wave, one at a time, knowing it is becoming a part of me. Healing isn't hiding, it's moving with the pain.

the w box

In my search for a church home, I visited a new church today. Sitting and waiting for service to start, I picked up the visitor card and started to fill it out. After I entered my name there was a space to check my status (married, single, widowed, etc). I instinctively went to check "married" when it suddenly struck me that I should possibly check the box for "widowed." I sat for a minute, completely unsure what to do... I am still married, right? How dare someone make me think (or check a box) otherwise! Or did our vows say "until death do us part"? But I am still alive and married in my heart. Oh, the questions and emotions swirling through my mind as I come to grips with my new reality. I know this type of situation is going to start to come up often and I have to acknowledge that dreaded "w box" status at some point but, oh, how I am not ready to do that yet. It feels like having to say good-bye all over again each time.

Saturday after

The next morning, after Ryan's funeral, one of my Texas friends was flying out of the airport on the exact same flight Ryan took when he left California, the last time I saw him. I just kept picturing how I dropped Ryan off at that airport, early before the sun was fully up, the last time I saw him. And it hit me so hard. I started wishing I had never taken him to the airport, wanting to go back and cling to him instead. I just wept and wept. I think the funeral made me accept and realize he is not coming back. I kept this tiny little sliver of hope that maybe it was a mistake this whole time, that he was alive and everything would be okay. The funeral made me finally accept he was gone and that sliver of hope was gone. I was in a dark place yesterday morning. I guess I moved from sadness and anger to the depression part of grief. It hurt so bad I just wanted the pain to stop. I really felt like if I didn't have the children, I wouldn't want to keep going. I never felt like I would try to hurt myself or anything like that, but just that if I died, I would be okay with that. It was a scary and uncontrollable place to be. I guess a glimpse of the hurt Ryan had felt maybe too, a pain so deep you just want to give up. Then in the middle of my dark pain, Charlie fell and broke his thumb. It's strange, he was running up the slide, like he always does, but he fell and landed on his hand. I had to snap out of my funk to hold him. He usually bounces back to bumps and scratches really quickly, so when I was still holding him an hour later, I knew something was wrong. His thumb looked fine, but the fact that he wasn't bouncing back up to play, I knew. So I took him to urgent care and they said it was probably a sprain but x-rayed and sent us home with a splint. Then they called and said he actually had fractured it. So we will follow up with his pediatrician on Monday. I almost wonder if God used that injury to redirect my focus. I had to respond and care for Charlie, and then I was okay the rest of the day. Last night I slept a little better. Charlie is a tough kid. We painted his splint with gold paint and glow in the dark paint and are coming up with cool nicknames, like Metal Thumb or Iron Thumb... This morning is easier than yesterday morning, I realize I'm going to have good days and bad days. I just hope the dark days are few and short-lived though, as I do not want to linger in that place. I go see the grief counselor tomorrow and am thankful for that. One step at a time, we are getting closer to healing.

Ryan's service

Ryan's service yesterday was difficult and yet beautiful. It was very sad but I felt a sense of peace. Maybe that is healing beginning? A friend said it was Ryan's presence yesterday helping me through the day. I think both are true. It hurt my heart SO much to see my babies crying so and know there is nothing I can do to change what they have lost. I fell apart when they played Taps. It was overwhelming how sad I felt. And then after everything was over and people left, I stayed to watch until they put Ryan in the ground and then I sat myself down on that patch of grass and clung to the flag they gave me and I just wept. How will life ever be okay? And yet I felt peaceful sitting there on the ground, praying, before we left the cemetery. The afternoon had smiles and hugs as family and friends came to hug us & visit. That was healing. And I thought I was okay until nighttime hits - this pain of missing Ryan seems to be too much. I cant sleep, I fear the quiet, and then when I do sleep, it is full of desperate nightmares, reliving that day I was trying so desperately to get to him and couldn't. Mornings I cant imagine even getting up. I just don't want to. I wish I could just stay in afternoons, where I am "okay." And not have to transition through the nights and mornings that hurt so badly. Please pray that a spirit of sorrow not consume me or the kids and that God's comfort be an ever present source of strength. The nighttime especially, as memories come flooding in and pain comes in waves that seem overwhelming, so I pray for restful sleep and that I find comfort, not fear, in the quiet.

Ryan's funeral

Funeral folder

Psalm 139
You have searched me, Lord,
and you know me.
You know when I sit and when I rise;
you perceive my thoughts from afar.
You discern my going out and my lying down;
you are familiar with all my ways.
Before a word is on my tongue
you, Lord, know it completely.
You hem me in behind and before,
and you lay your hand upon me.
Such knowledge is too wonderful for me,
too lofty for me to attain.
Where can I go from your Spirit?
Where can I flee from your presence?
If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me,
your right hand will hold me fast.
If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me
and the light become night around me,"
even the darkness will not be dark to you;
the night will shine like the day,
for darkness is as light to you.
For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.
How precious to me are your thoughts, God!
How vast is the sum of them!
Were I to count them,
they would outnumber the grains of sand—
when I awake, I am still with you.

 

Ryan's homecoming

Anger

Yesterday was my Katherine's birthday, so we took her to the movies and out to get a fancy cake and spent time with my sister and my nephews. It was a good day. Sleep has been better (with a sleep aid) and my stomach has too, allowing me to eat again. My body is physically gaining strength and recovering, I am so thankful. I remember reading an email a week ago that said one of the stages of grief is angry. I remember reading that and thinking, that won't happen. I'm sad, but certainly not mad. But I caught a random picture of my precious Katherine today and she looks SO grown up to me and I suddenly realized Ryan will never know or see 14 year old Katherine... It hit me hard. And I took a shower and wept and got angry in the shower, letting some of it come out. I am angry Ryan won't be here. Charlie turned 10 last week and he won't have a dad to teach him all those things Ryan was supposed to teach him. It is simply not fair. I don't do anger, I don't yell or fight. I guess anger scares me. Ryan and I never fought. We would immaturely ignore each other or give the "silent treatment" for a few hours, but one of us would always crack and approach the other to apologize and it would be okay. In 15 years of marriage I can't remember once raising our voices at each other and the longest we ever ignored each other was an ever so agonizing 24 hours. I was blessed to have such a gentle, loving husband. So I don't want to be angry with Ryan, I am trying not to be, but there is some anger that I want to place somewhere. I am hoping the grief counselor can help with some of that next week. I also am struggling with Ryan's arrival. He arrives at LAX (Los Angeles airport) at 6:30pm on Thursday. They have what is called a "dignified arrival," with honor guard there to meet him and escort him to Santa Maria, where he will be laid to rest on Friday. Apparently I can attend the arrival ceremony and the military will drive me there. But LAX is 3-4 hours away (depending on traffic) and I would have to be there a few hours early to get through security at such a huge airport. If I go, then I wouldn't get home until at least 11pm that night and Ryan's funeral is the next day. My kids can't do that, they would be exhausted and I don't know if I feel comfortable being away from them that long (Charlie seems worried when I am not near him). But I feel like I should be there and maybe I am making excuses as to why I can't... Or maybe I just want more time with Ryan, when that isn't really a reality. Anyway, I am really, really struggling with this decision today.

14

My sweet girl is 14 year old today.

Peace and comfort

God loves us just as we are and He never, ever wishes suffering on anyone, ever. God is good. He is so good that his promises are that you are never alone. He stands with you in the storm. Christian "church people" often mess up or complicate that message - but it is a simple one. God is love. Period. Ryan was not able to allow God's love to surround him and comfort him, but that never lessened God's love for Ryan. The Bible says that God draws near to the brokenhearted. It is a promise. And Ryan knows that now, he gets to feel that now and learn that now in ways that us on earth only get glimpses of. That doesn't lesson my pain but it does bring me comfort. Another promise is that God brings good out of pain - not that he ever wishes for or wants pain but that he can use it. A heart raw with pain can be capable of great compassion. I can feel that and pray every day that God not let anger or fear or guilt settle in, but instead compassion, compassion for those suffering, for those with depression, for those who have to walk this road. Anger, fear, and guilt can be enticingly easier, but compassion brings peace. That choice could never come from me, I'm not that strong, that comes from God.

22 a day

I read this morning that suicide among veterans has jumped from an average of 22 per day, to 32 per day. The spirit of evil and lies has been active, seeking whom it may devour. My heart hurts that each of those numbers represents a person who was struggling and now a family grieving. I am so thankful that God's insight and wisdom has keep coming to me in one revelation at a time, sometimes it comes as a whole understanding. Some families are left with so many questions but God has been so good to reveal and show so much truth to me in such a short amount of time.

Dream

Since July 24th, sleep has not come easy. I usually doze off for a bit and then wake up in terror, heart pounding, with vivid, desperate dreams. I can describe the dreams but they basically all involve trying to reach or communicate to Ryan that Friday, and I fail every time. A friend of mine is worried about the cortisol running through my body for so long causing PTSD. I agree it is taking a toll on my mentally and physically. I have never been one to remember any dreams I ever have, so this is new and very scary to me. It is exhausting. Yesterday I tried to nap and the same thing kept happing, so I gave up trying. Last night before bed, out of pure exhaustion, I finally gave in and took a sleep aid and prayed, asking God for a spirit of comfort and to bind away any spirits in this house, except his, throughout the night. I actually slept for 8 hours, 11pm-7am! Praise God! I did have a vivid dream but it was a different one. In my dream I sitting and when I looked up, I saw Ryan. Unlike my other dreams, I was aware that he was not alive so I was shocked to see him. I couldn't get up but I called his name and he looked at me. I called it again and he came over to me and he said, "I am so, so sorry. I love you so very much." It was like I was just frozen to my spot and I kept reaching for him. He came to me and hugged me and kissed me. And it was like I knew I was dreaming or I knew he wasn't real and yet I could still feel his hug and his kiss. I could tell him I loved him so much and missed him so badly and hold him for a few seconds. Then he had to leave. I asked him to please be back, like to visit me, and I think he nodded. After he left my dream moved on to chaos, like evil in the form of a distorted person seemed to show up and I was yelling for it to be squashed and rebuked in the name of Jesus. It stood there watching me and I fled from the evil. It didn't follow me, just watched me flee. But that moment with Ryan was peaceful. He was wearing the red t-shirt and jeans he wore often and he had a smile that showed no pain, just peace. He was quiet and very slow and focused on me and seemed not able to stay long though, just a quick visit. He seemed hesitant to hug me, but I was reaching so desperately for him and his hug and kiss did comfort me. I had to share that. I'm lying here this morning sobbing and crying as I type this because I miss him SO SO much, but I know this is beyond my imagination running wild and a small glimpse of comfort from God. He can occasionally lift the veil to heaven for us. I feel so sad right now and can't stop crying this morning, but the panic in my cry is gone, just a deep sorrow and free flowing tears. I know Ryan is at peace and he is with God and he is taking care of each of us and protecting us, so lovingly, from heaven.

Funeral details

Family and dear friends, I wanted to share the details for Ryan's funeral service. First, let me apologize you are receiving this information multiple times or if I did not get the information out last week. It has been a difficult couple of weeks and I can not remember who I have communicated with or who my sister, Tracy, has reached out to on my behalf this past week. Ryan's service will be at 1:00pm on Friday, July 15th at Santa Maria Cemetery. It will be a short graveside service, with full military honor guard. A chaplain from Vandenberg AFB will be there, along with a few coworkers from Lackland AFB. Ryan will be laid to rest here in Santa Maria, so he will be near the kids and I daily. If you need directions or help with anything at all, please don't hesitate to let me know. If I can not get back to you, my sister, Tracy will. If I have forgotten to share this with anyone, please forgive me, and feel free to share with others. I also wanted to say thank you SO MUCH to each of you for your prayers and support. For reaching out to us, for those who attended the squadron memorial service last week at Lackland AFB, Texas, for those who have worked to spoil my children for their birthdays this week, for everything, but most of all for the prayers of comfort and strength. I have not been able to express that to most of you individually, but I have read all your messages and appreciate all the support more than words can say. Thank you. It has been the most difficult week for us, but the kids and I are doing okay. We are finding comfort in knowing that Ryan is at peace and free from his hurts. We miss him so much that it feels difficult to breathe. But we know he is watching out from us and taking care of us from above, just as much, and just as lovingly, as he did when he was here with us. He loved his family and friends so very much, please know that. I look forward to hugging any and all of you all in person next week - or at any time in the future that you want to visit us. Hugs and prayers are always, always welcome!

Update

My Charlie had his 10th birthday today and my family was so sweet to take him out to do mini-golf and go-karts, then out to dinner, then back to the house for cake and presents. Charlie had so much fun, a huge smile on his face. But it beat me up, several hours at the mini-golf place and not-so-healthy food made my stomach so queasy I felt at times I would barely keep from throwing up, barely being able to stand. The adrenaline of driving the go-kart was exhausting beyond words (Charlie wasn't quite tall enough to drive his own & wanted me to drive him). But I would do it again, just to be there for Charlie, and let him have his special day. I just woke up at 2am, just crying and SO sick to my stomach. Sleep is so hard to find. I found a natural peppermint, ginger & fennel pill to take yesterday. I think it may finally be helping with the queasiness. I'm praying it is enough to help me get a few more hours of sleep this morning. Today I have to meet at the funeral home at 11am to plan Ryan's funeral. My sister is going with me. I am not sure how I am going to do that when everything inside me doesn't want to, but I will just keep praying through it. Please pray that I can kind of be that fly on the wall and let the Holy Spirit take the lead. Ryan's homecoming ceremony at the airport will be July 14th and his funeral on the 15th. I feel like I need to talk to my kids about it beforehand, what to expect, the military honors ceremony part, everything, etc... Still working on that. I plan to the grief counselor again on Monday. My children say they don't want to talk with a counselor, they are both quiet a lot, so I am unsure how much to push that. I'm just trying to make myself as available as I can to them, for anything. But to do that, I also need to get myself healthy. Baby steps.

Pain

I can feel God drawing near, as the anger and fear took a break today. That is only because of those praying for us and being intercessors for us. The deep, deep sorrow remains and comes in overwhelming waves, but I am still breathing, one breathe at a time. I have been able to eat some, for the first time in almost two weeks. It makes me feel sick to eat but it is at least staying down now and providing me with nutrients. I lost something like 15 pounds in the first five days after Ryan's death and stopped keeping track after that. I know my body needs strength and nourishment. Shock and grief are such destructive forces. I am blessed by the outpouring of support by family and friends that have stepped in to plan a few outings and special treats for Charlie and Katherine on their birthdays, since I haven't had the emotional or physical strength to do that. So thankful for that. I have a feeling that once the stress of arrangements and paperwork and briefings and insurance and relocating and the intense grief begin to subside, the quiet may be difficult to handle. Right now it's like running a marathon, exhausting mentally and physically. And while my body feels beat up and knows it needs to rest, I fear that quiet rest. The Holy Spirit is drawing near and providing comfort when the waves of pain feel unbearable. He has also given me some clarity on what/how/why things have happened, more than I would have guessed in such a short period of time. Ryan was hurting for such a long time, years really, maybe his whole life. PTSD, military job stress, intensified that pain. But I saw him on bad days in years past and it was never scary or made me afraid for him, it just made my heart ache for him. He went to mental health weekly for years, pursuing healthy ways to heal. I really thought he WAS healing and doing better this past year, but now I realize he decided somewhere to bury the hurt and put on a smile to protect me from it. He always wore his emotions on his sleeve with me, so he had more strength than any person I will ever know to carry that level of hurt and not let it out. Some stressors at work triggered all that buried pain to come flowing out in such a painful way last week - no one saw it coming. His unit made mistakes that could have been avoided but blame only causes more hurt and his unit is already hurting. Everyone just needs to heal. Ryan also left such loving letters to myself and the children and a few others that have helped me find understanding and comfort. The fact that he did that for us, rather than leave us with unanswered questions shows how much he loved us. God is revealing all this to me in a sweet and gentle way. I am so thankful. God is so good. I also feel a leading to advocate for change in the AF and to reach out to those airmen hurting. I don't know how/when yet but I know God is going to open those paths once the grief and hurt begin to lesson. He has a mighty plan and a good plan. Please pray that my raw, tender heart be open to His inflowing of love and wisdom and that the enemy of our souls doesn't get a foothold with anger, fear, or pain - in my heart or that of Kate & Charlie's or our family's.

10

My little boy has turned 10 years old today.

Good-byes

Our time in Texas was a whirlwind of busy, both sad and healing. So many goodbyes for us. The children want to stay in Texas (California was never home for them), so taking that away from them was hard for me. So many tearful goodbyes. We arrived in California last night and I am hit so hard this morning with the reality that I have to get up each morning and start a new day. And I don't know how to do that. It is scary and lonely. I am praying Jesus make his presence so known to me that I get brief moments of relief from the pain. The quiet is so scary to me. I know the stress of travel, the memorial, packing up, and goodbyes was not good for my body at all, but now that I have a few days to let my body rest, I don't know what to do. I almost want the stress back to keep me going. But the next few days are my time to rest before my children's birthdays and then planning the funeral. The quiet in which to rest is so painful. Thank you for just letting me vent.
This is a picture of Charlie hugging our Texas house good-bye before we left.

Memorial Service

Today was such a full day. It was such a roller coaster of emotions, the kids, Ryan's mom, Ryan's brother, and I all arrived in Texas late Wednesday evening, met at the airport by Ryan's coworkers and commander. I had opted to stay at hotel, instead of our house, as I did not know how I would feel entering our home last night. But we slept very little Wednesday night. The kids didn't want to be at the hotel and Charlie especially felt scared last night. I decided that the hotel was a bad decision after all & we checked out this morning, the kids need to be at their home the rest of our trip here. This morning I was escorted into the service at Ryan's memorial, with Ryan's mom and brother. All the outpouring of his squadron and the whole base and base leadership's support was overwhelming, they kept me guarded and safe during the whole formal process, it was a beautiful ceremony, with tears and laughter at memories. I sat with the commander and those involved with last Friday afterwards, got some questions answered, made some difficult decisions, and sometimes felt like I couldn't breathe. I had to decide whether I wanted to see Ryan or not, I was given the choice and it was hard. I ultimately decided not to, as I would only want to cling to him and would be disappointed I couldn't. I'm not ready to say goodbye, but then I don't think any number of years would ever be enough and I'd never be ready. I want to remember him fully alive, I don't need to see his body to know he isn't here with us. He is safe in God's arms, free from all the hurt and demons he faced. God draws closest to the brokenhearted, so that means Ryan is safe in his arms and I am surrounded by God's comfort. It was, however, a tough decision for me. After the memorial, we went back to our house. I was extremely nervous as we pulled into the driveway, unable to predict the emotions I would feel walking through the front door of Ryan and I's home. But immediately upon entering, it was such a comfort to be in our home again. Walking in the front door today made me feel instantly happy and peaceful, more than I've felt since last Friday, and yet such a sadness at the emptiness it also represents at the same time. I felt excitement as others helped organize stuff to pack, get the kids squared away, & then felt completely overwhelmed by the inability to pack anything and had to stop. Both emotions are okay. Up and down. Breathe by breathe. Our kitties were all happy to see us again and had lots of attention today from children eager to spoil them. After some moments alone in the house, friends showed up. I felt sweet joy to see my children surrounded by all their friends and playing together again, as everyone reached out to love them this afternoon. Our house had probably 20 kids in it all afternoon, all playing and laughing together. All their sweet friends in one place together was a joyful time, full of silliness, smiles, hugs, food, kids full of energy. I peaked in on Charlie at one point and he was sitting on his bed, super animated and giving orders to five other boys surrounding him as they worked together to build a robot toy. He came out of shell and hugged and talked with those that wanted to hug him. Peaking in on Katherine there was a tight circle of girls all sitting in a circle on her floor doing each others hair and nails, giggling. Kate was happy as center of attention. She and a close friend even sat with us adults a bit this evening as we talked about Ryan. At one point I shared some of my grief and cried and Kate seemed to be okay watching others comfort me. I mostly sat on the couch downstairs all afternoon/evening, surrounded by the sweetest ladies, listening to the joyful sound of kids upstairs (or maybe a herd of elephants up there!) and spent the time weeping and crying tears on the shoulders of others, laughing as we shared many, many happy memories, holding each other as we prayed together, and just felt a joy and relief at being with everyone all at once. Friends from TX and DC were here to just hug me and make me laugh and let me feel each emotion. People we knew stopped by briefly to just hug, spoil the kids, or leave food. Lots of extreme ups and downs, all very healing. After such a full, full day, I immediately slept a few hours tonight, feeling more exhausted than I've ever felt in my entire life, physically, emotionally, mentally. Then woke just now at 3am to being violently ill. I was finally able to eat a banana & some noodles throughout the day, but they all came back up this morning. My body just is not ready to accept food yet. I'm shaking from the weakness of exhaustion & inability to get an nutrients to stay down. But again, each breathe, one at a time, letting God sustain me and be my strength. I hope the children both sleep in tomorrow, as they seemed relieved and comfortable to be in their own beds tonight. Tomorrow is more paperwork at 10am, as military on the Lackland side come to the house to do that with me. Then I am told a birthday party of some sort tomorrow evening, as the kids closest friends spend a few hours eating pizza and cake. Then goodbyes and a plane trip back on Saturday. We will surely arrive back in CA absolutely exhausted, extremely sad from goodbyes, but also feeling a sense of closure and, I think, a healing peace from having gone through this, letting others share our grief and reach out to us. So many ups and downs, so much joy and sadness, moving forward, then trying to go backward, ultimately just one breath at a time.