Pain

I can feel God drawing near, as the anger and fear took a break today. That is only because of those praying for us and being intercessors for us. The deep, deep sorrow remains and comes in overwhelming waves, but I am still breathing, one breathe at a time. I have been able to eat some, for the first time in almost two weeks. It makes me feel sick to eat but it is at least staying down now and providing me with nutrients. I lost something like 15 pounds in the first five days after Ryan's death and stopped keeping track after that. I know my body needs strength and nourishment. Shock and grief are such destructive forces. I am blessed by the outpouring of support by family and friends that have stepped in to plan a few outings and special treats for Charlie and Katherine on their birthdays, since I haven't had the emotional or physical strength to do that. So thankful for that. I have a feeling that once the stress of arrangements and paperwork and briefings and insurance and relocating and the intense grief begin to subside, the quiet may be difficult to handle. Right now it's like running a marathon, exhausting mentally and physically. And while my body feels beat up and knows it needs to rest, I fear that quiet rest. The Holy Spirit is drawing near and providing comfort when the waves of pain feel unbearable. He has also given me some clarity on what/how/why things have happened, more than I would have guessed in such a short period of time. Ryan was hurting for such a long time, years really, maybe his whole life. PTSD, military job stress, intensified that pain. But I saw him on bad days in years past and it was never scary or made me afraid for him, it just made my heart ache for him. He went to mental health weekly for years, pursuing healthy ways to heal. I really thought he WAS healing and doing better this past year, but now I realize he decided somewhere to bury the hurt and put on a smile to protect me from it. He always wore his emotions on his sleeve with me, so he had more strength than any person I will ever know to carry that level of hurt and not let it out. Some stressors at work triggered all that buried pain to come flowing out in such a painful way last week - no one saw it coming. His unit made mistakes that could have been avoided but blame only causes more hurt and his unit is already hurting. Everyone just needs to heal. Ryan also left such loving letters to myself and the children and a few others that have helped me find understanding and comfort. The fact that he did that for us, rather than leave us with unanswered questions shows how much he loved us. God is revealing all this to me in a sweet and gentle way. I am so thankful. God is so good. I also feel a leading to advocate for change in the AF and to reach out to those airmen hurting. I don't know how/when yet but I know God is going to open those paths once the grief and hurt begin to lesson. He has a mighty plan and a good plan. Please pray that my raw, tender heart be open to His inflowing of love and wisdom and that the enemy of our souls doesn't get a foothold with anger, fear, or pain - in my heart or that of Kate & Charlie's or our family's.