Happy Thanksgiving!

Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him.  Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.  (Colossians 2:7)

🍂🌻🍗🌾🦃🍁🌽💛

grief work

Please keep my sweet Charlie man in your prayers right now.  The next few months are going to be difficult for him.  He has been dealing with a lot and some of his buried grief is surfacing in ways that are so difficult for this mama’s heart to take.  Charlie started working with a grief counselor last month, very willingly.  He has been just a little down and sad, with intermittent episodes of anger.  I suspected he needed to talk about his daddy but that he is reluctant that I be the person he talks to because he fears making me cry or causing me to be sad.  He is such a tender-hearted boy, like his daddy.  And I sometimes forget that I had months and months of counseling and the support of my weekly GriefShare group at church to help me understand, process, and learn to move forward (not move on, just move forward) in healthy ways.  But my children, largely, have wanted to just be normal kids and were thriving with their routines and family support.  And my counselor assured this paranoid mama that that was okay.  Kids grieve differently and they may not even fully grieve until later in their lives.  I was told as long as they were doing well in friendships, in school, in social situations, etc,, to just let them grieve as they choose and to step in when/if their behavior were to shift towards anything not typical for their personalities.  Sometimes children really just need to find the security and stability of a routine and a new normal before they can feel safe enough to explore the difficult, deep emotions of a loss.  But that is where Charlie is at - he needs to address the issues buried down deep in his heart as they start to seep up.  The painful emotions can cause confusion and sorrow that my children may not have learned the skills to navigate on their own.  My heart aches that my sweet eleven year old has to navigate these at all, but Charlie is such a brave and strong boy.  He amazes me.  He and his counselor are tackling the emotions of grief, suicide, moving forward, sorrow, and acceptance.  It is important for my little guy to have guidance in sorting through these emotions and I am SO thankful for the amazing lady so dedicated to working with him through this.  His counselor is amazing and has put up with me asking a zillion questions with such love and grace.  I have come to pick Charlie up from a session to find both him and his counselor teary-eyed together but often playing a game too.  Sorrow and joy, always both together, that is life.  It is just so hard for my heart to know my children have felt such pain and loss in their lives.  If I could somehow take the pain for them, I would in a heartbeat.  Watching them struggle on their journeys is so much harder than my own journey often is.  So please keep Katherine and Charlie in your prayers, and especially my little Charlie man these next few months as he so bravely keeps returning to his counselor sessions to put in the hard work of grieving.  In my GriefShare group we called it “grief work” because it is so completely exhausting - mentally, physically, and emotionally - to pull up each emotion, fully feel it, and then put it into a healthy and truthful perspective.  I see the exhaustion on Charlie’s face.  Oh, I see it and it hurts my heart, but also makes me so proud of him.  The process, however, is so, so important.  So please pray protection over Charlie’s tender heart as he does his grief work, talks about difficult things that bring such sorrow and tears, and bravely learns the steps to sorting through those emotions in healthy and truthful ways.  

May God, our loving Father, bless and protect the precious hearts of my children, strengthen them in the most difficult of their sorrows, gently guide them to peace, truth, understanding, and joy, and comfort them through that arduous process with His abundantly loving presence. Amen. 

Veterans Day 2017 🐑 🏈

For Veterans Day 2017, Charlie and I were invited to attend the NFL Los Angeles Rams “Salute to Service” game against the Houston Texans.  Through the amazing TAPS organization Charlie was paired up with a player from the LA Rams who played Sunday’s game in Ryan’s memory, with Ryan’s initials on his helmet during the game.

On the Saturday before the game, we came to observe a special Rams practice where each family got to meet the player who was playing in their loved one’s memory.  Charlie was matched with Tanzel Smart #92, a super sweet rookie just drafted to the NFL from Louisiana.  He took the time to talk to Charlie about football, about Ryan, about his own family, and he told Charlie how much he appreciated him.  It was so sweet and really touched my heart to see this huge player bending down and giving my little guy a tender bear hug.  After the practice Charlie was given a matching helmet with Ryan’s initials on it that Tanzel Smart autographed for him.  And Tanzel also gave Char his practice gloves to keep.  I do not have any pictures from the pre-game day practice itself, as apparently professional football is VERY serious business and cameras were not allowed during practice in case we were actually Texan spies recording plays, but I did take plenty before and after the practice itself.  ;)   Charlie found this especially amusing and pointed out two Texas license plates in the parking lot of the practice field afterwards.  He is convinced that they were the vehicles of Texan spies... If so, luckily the spies were not very successful, as you will see from how the game went on Sunday... ;)

On Sunday, game day, we arrived at the LA Coliseum and were part of the pre-game torch lighting ceremony.  Neither Charlie nor I had ever been to a professional sporting event so it was awesome site to see the huge stadium, watch the players be announced, and be down near the field during the excitement!  After the pregame show, we were escorted to a suite where all the TAPS families got to watch the game together and eat yummy food.  Did I mention how amazing the TAPS organization is??  They completely spoil us with such awesome, well-organized events where we are able to remember and recognize our loved ones that have passed away.

Charlie actually surprised me by how excited he was about the whole football game!  He has seen a few games on TV (he is a huge Broncos fan) and he has played flag football with Scouts, but he usually loses interest after a quarter or so.  But maybe something about hearing the roar of the fans cheering in the stadium, watching the big Jumbotron TV thing, or just the excitement of so many energetic others packed together and surrounding us that Charlie was completely captivated!  The Rams were the first to score with a field goal but when Texas pulled ahead with a touchdown, I saw my little guy’s spirits sink.  I realized it would be really, really helpful to me if the Rams could pull out a win for Charlie...  and goodness, they did!  During the third quarter, they scored three touchdowns back-to-back and the stadium went wild!  And my little boy did too.  He looked at me during the fourth quarter and said, “Mom, I know the Texans don’t stand a chance to win at this point but I have to see how this ends!”  So we, of course, stayed to the end and celebrated the final score of 33-7!   

It was a precious day of some one-on-one mommy-son time and in memory of Ryan, acknowledging his sacrifice and honoring his memory.  Side note - Kate chose not to attend because sports, and especially football, are just “not her thing” but she did tune in on TV for a bit and seemed interested to hear Charlie tell her about his weekend.  And I can not think of a more rewarding way to have spent Veterans Day this year.  

Below are a few precious pictures of Ryan teaching Charlie how to play football a few years ago (probably fall of 2013) and a few pictures from our weekend with the Rams.

Charlie and Daddy, Bolling AFB, 2013 

Before the game

Charlie and Tanzel Smart

T

Littlest Rams fan 🐑 🏈 

Intent on watching the field

Charlie and Daddy, Bolling AFB, 2013

prayer request

I just wanted to ask for extra prayers this week.  I feel like I am at a vulnerable and new place right now, with a lot of decisions to make about my future that I am fearful about making.  

Two weeks ago I was at my first week long residency for the Renovare program (the second of the four will be in February) and it was such an amazing week.  I arrived at the residency full of anxiety over a new situation, new people, and a keen sense of being far outside of my comfort zone.  But I left at the end of that week full of hope, joy, and, surprising to me, a sense of healing.  During that week away from my “normal life,” I realized I am not only ready for more, I want more.  I want more than just keeping on keeping on.  Sixteen months ago Ryan had told me he wanted me to live for me.  For sixteen months I have been living for my children and existing because I have had no choice but to exist.  And that is not to say that I have not experienced moments of joy or fulfillment in the midst of all that.  But I have felt largely “lost,” for lack of a better word.  My life had been planned out (in my own head) for at least the next ten years and then Ryan’s unexpected death took those plans and dumped them out upside down all around me.  I have been living in the shadow of that heap of scattered plans and shattered dreams, wondering if or how I could ever want to “plan” again.  I have had hope, knowing that new plans and new paths would at some point open up for me, but I have been mostly waiting.  And waiting has been extremely important because healing needed to happen in that sacred space.  

But here, now, I find myself actually looking at my future for the first time in a new light.  New opportunities are opening up to me and I know I can not let fear be my decision maker.  But I feel like I have forgotten how to make wise decisions, or even just decisions at all.  It is easier to stay put where I am, but God often wants to move us up and out to something better.  Please pray for my heart and mind this week as I discern what that process looks like for me, facing the decisions and opportunities that are before me.  I know the decisions are mine to make but my prayer is that God transform my heart into the kind of person who makes decisions the way Jesus would, rooted in God’s love and power and peace. 

Phil 4:6-7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God and the peace of God which passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus our Lord."

Psalm 29:11 “He will give strength & peace”

Psalm 85:8 “I will hear what God will speak... and He will speak peace”

Isaiah 26:3 “He will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Him”

Jeremiah 29:11 “His thoughts of us is for good, not for evil...for peace”

John 14:27 “Not to be afraid”

Romans 15:13 “To abound in hope”

1 Corinthians 14:33 “He is NOT the author of Confusion”

birthday kitten

I would like to introduce the newest edition to the Sweeney family... our new kitten (name tbd).  

There is a little bit of a story behind the adoption of this little guy, beyond just my complete lack of self control around adorable baby animals...  I swear Ryan was the voice of reason in our marriage; without him, I need to find a way to curb the urge to collect every furbaby or I may very likely become the crazy cat lady...  But the story behind this new guy... Back in October 2001, not too long after Ryan and I were married, Ryan got a kitten for me for my birthday.  Ryan had never particularly been an animal lover and he did not grow up in a house full of pets like I did, so him purchasing this kitten for me was really an act of love.  I can still I picture him looking at me and sighing, saying, “won’t a cat just claw up everything? Why do we need a cat?”  Being newly married and living in an apartment, we had talked about getting a dog but we were both working and we knew a dog would be too much responsibility for us.  And I really, really wanted a pet...  So for my birthday my sweet Ryan picked out an adorable little calico kitten for me, our precious Dana.  Here is the link to my post from October of last year, where I shared pictures of Dana over the years: Dana - October 2016 link

Side note: Truth be told, our actual first pet was a fish (one of those cool-looking fighting fishes with feathery blue fins) and the poor thing died in less than 24 hours.  We had not even named the fish before we found it belly up the next morning, so we had this running joke for years that his name was Weebit because he had only lived a wee bit.

So October 2001, Ryan picked out our tiny Dana kitten for me.  She was our first baby (sorry Weebit).  Dana eventually developed kidney disease and hyperthyroidism and she died this past October (October 26, 2016) at the age of 15.  

And actually I have to throw in another side note in here because this is a funny memory that I want to preserve... So my birthday in 2001 was on a Saturday and we adopted Dana from one of those adoption fairs at the Shreveport animal shelter early that Saturday morning.  By Sunday morning Dana had developed a kennel cough so bad she could barely lift her tiny head and she was not eating.  Ryan and I debated taking her to the weekend emergency vet clinic, but on a newlywed budget we realized we really needed to pray she would be okay and wait until we could go to the regular vet on Monday morning.  I remember Ryan staying up most of the night holding that tiny kitten, who was barely the size of a roll of socks, and being so concerned for her.  Dana did obviously recover and live a full life.  The following week that year though, I found out I was pregnant and expecting our precious Katherine Grace, who was born July 2002.  So our running joke throughout our marriage was that we tried to take care of a fish, but it died.  So we decided to adopt a cat instead - the cat almost almost died.  So we thought, let’s just have a kid and see how that works out!  It worked out well though, our precious Katherine survived our early years of figuring out the whole caregiving and parent thing...  

So now fast forward to 2017 and it is October and it is my birthday again and my sister lets me know that the local animal shelter has kittens... One of them looks a little bit like Dana and it was born the same week Dana had been born.  I remember how much Ryan absolutely loved his little Dana.  He would sit there and pet her and as she got old and frail, I remember him saying that Dana was not allowed to die.  And he actually looked up if a pet could be cloned so we would always have our Dana!  We joked that the clone would be named Dina.  Those sweet memories stick with me, and I mentioned how I have zero willpower around adorable baby Kitanimals, right??  So this new kitten is in memory of Dana.  

I was actually away at my school program residency during my birthday this year but when my sister was texting me picture of the kittens at the shelter, I gave her permission to go see if the one I liked was available.  And of course when I got home from my residency, my children were delighted to introduce me to my new kitten!  It must be a family genetic predisposition to obtain all things cute and furry though because my sister adopted the brother of my kitten as well.  These two kitten brothers are so adorable when we get them together to play.  Our puppy, Ollie, just adores his new little feline brother.  Our older cats, Sammy and Jake, have differing reactions.  Sammy is just cranky and avoids our other pets in general, preferring to sleep and eat in peace.  However, Jake, our orange stray cat from Washington DC, adores the kitten and watches over him and plays with him.  And the animals in our house bring smiles and joy as the children and I watch their crazy antics.  I can just picture Ryan both adoring the new kitten (the closest I could come to our idea about a Dana clone) but also probably shaking his head, smiling with amusement and confusion, as he thinks that someone needs to stop Jen’s obsession with baby animal collecting... 

New kitten and Ollie

Kitten brothers 

Weight of Glory

C.S. Lewis preached this sermon in the Church of St Mary the Virgin, Oxford, on June 8, 1942.  It is amazing and worth the time to read the nine pages (probably several times over).  It goes with Dallas Willard’s assertion that we are indeed “unceasing spiritual beings with an eternal destiny in God’s great universe.”

Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis

what is the gospel?

“In the Gospels… ‘the gospel’ is the good news of the presence and availability of life in the kingdom, now and forever, through reliance on Jesus the Anointed.”  - Dallas Willard in the Divine Conspiracy.

I absolutely LOVE this description that Willard gives for “the gospel” as the presence and availability of God’s kingdom, here and now, on earth, in our presence condition and in our present life.  I think it is the most accurate description I have heard for defining the gospel because it meets the fundamental need we as humans so deeply and intrinsically crave for love, for connection, and for relationship.  And the description gives us a person to rely on in order to step into and grasp the reality of that good news.  What a loving God that his Kingdom is available to us - the same one that has always existed in the form of Trinitarian relationship, was available to Jesus on earth, was embodied by Jesus, and is now provided for us out of the Trinity’s abundant love!  The idea of all that comforts my soul and my longings in the deepest way possible.  This definition is so hopeful and life-giving and brings a new meaning to the words “repent and believe the good news!”  Where the word “repent” simply means “turn around.”  It is like God is saying, “I am right here, as close the air around you, just turn around.  Turn around, see me, believe in me, no strings attached, and all this great love I possess will be showered upon you because it is for you!”

I also find it curious but important to note that Willard explains how the gospel is available, but not forced.  The individual human heart is a place where God’s will is currently permitted to be absent.  God’s kingdom pervades and governs the whole physical universe surrounding us and yet the parts of our planet earth that are occupied by humans, deep within our human hearts, can be slightly excepted from this governance for a while if we choose not to embrace, or do not understand, what is being offered to us to actually embrace.  I am just reminded each time I read Willard’s description how much every person needs to hear the simple but powerful message that God is available to them - now, abundantly, lovingly, and powerfully.  Understanding this as the good news of the gospel is what lets us turn around and base our lives on the “remarkable new opportunity” Willard teaches us about.  What joy!

Caravaggio's "Calling of Saint Matthew"

precious keepsakes

One of my goals for awhile has been to clean out my garage.  Ever since we moved in last September, the garage became the place where we put "stuff" when we did not know what to do with it.  That is what garages are for, right?  It is also where I had the movers place the boxes full of Ryan's belongings when we moved into our house.  There were four good-sized boxes out there simply labeled "husband's stuff" by the packers in Texas when they packed us out.  I was not in Texas for the pack-out of our home there, it was all done for us by the Air Force.  Our belongings were put into storage until I bought a house in September and asked them to deliver our household goods to us here.  I had, however, specifically asked the packers and movers to put anything readily identifiable as Ryan's into separate, labeled boxes so I could choose to open them at a later date.  A year ago, unpacking all of our mutual belongings just to set up my new home was a difficult enough process without having to go through items like Ryan's clothes, personal items, and military gear.  

But sometime last winter or spring, I set a goal to clean out my garage and eventually go through those boxes over the summer.  By August I still had not, mostly because summer was SO much busier than I had anticipated, with travel, beach days, visiting friends, etc..  But sometime in mid August I found a spare weekend to tackle the project.  My sister came over and we went through Ryan's boxes and I cleaned and organized the entire garage.  I put most of his military gear and uniforms into a deployment bag to store in case the children want those items one day.  And I gave most of the little items, like his pocketknife, football, and random keepsake items to Charlie, who wanted all of it.  I ran across Ryan's dog tags and Charlie started wearing those around his own neck.  In fact over the last two months, I can tell when Charlie is missing his Daddy, because those dog tags come back out.  He seems to wear them when he is feeling sad.

And lastly, I went through all of Ryan's clothes.  I pulled out things that did not have a special significance to me, like his jeans, gym clothes, or socks, to be donated.  But I had a few special "projects" in mind that I wanted done with the rest of Ryan's clothes.  I sent three of his very favorite shirts to a friend of a friend who makes the most adorable stuffed bears out of clothes (thank you, Chris and Clo!!).  She made two adorable bears for each of my children, and they can add their daddy's pins, ribbons, or patches to them.  And I sent three jackets to another lady who makes huggable pillows out of clothing items (thank you, Melissa!).  She made a pillow for each of us, the kids and I.  And lastly, I sent a HUGE box of the rest of Ryan's most commonly worn shirts, along with several uniforms to a lady who makes the most beautiful memorial quilts out of the items (thank you SO much, Tammy!!).  She made four quilts, one for me, each of the children, and one for Ryan's mother.  (link to Tammy’s Etsy site)

I sent all these clothing items out in late August and I was pretty proud of myself for having finally gone through those boxes.  All of September each of those precious ladies I mentioned above worked on these projects for me.  And last week two of the projects arrived on my doorstep, with the third one arriving today.  I peeked in each box when they arrived and was overcome with more emotion than I suspected I would be.  The familiar sight of those precious clothing articles both comforted me in an amazing way and also made me sorrowful in a new way, both at the same time.  I spent some time just looking at and running my fingers over each item.  I love them. 

I plan to give these items to my children this week.  Kate and Charlie both knew I had a sent Ryan's articles away for a few projects but they had not seen them yet.  I got sneak peaks by the ladies sewing these precious gifts throughout the past few weeks, as they would text me pictures of the works in progress or text me with suggestions to choose from.  I am so blessed by how lovely these women were to work with, and the care and compassion they put into honoring Ryan with these bears, pillows, and quilts.  It was such a bittersweet experience to see these come together and now I find myself both excited to finally have and cherish the finished items, and also slightly sad the process is now complete and finished.  Below are pictures of these precious items that I just love!

these bears are made from three of Ryan's favorite shirts



made from Ryan's jackets, with his actual signature on the note

Charlie's quilt

Kate's quilt

Kate's quilt

Charlie's quilt

my quilt



how to have a kingdom heart

"Jesus... does not tell us what to do, but how to do it."

"Do whatever you do without hostility, bitterness, and the merciless drive to win.  Be prepared to sacrifice your interest for that of another, if that seems wise.  And keep a joyous confidence in God, regardless of what happens."

-Dallas Willard, The Divine Conspiracy chapter on "The Rightness of the Kingdom Heart: Beyond the Goodness of the Scribes and Pharisees"

I read the above quote this morning and it is exactly the piece that has been missing in my prayer life.  I SO often pray that God tell me what decision to make or lead me in His will for a specific situation that I am "stuck in" (aka obsessing over), but what I am truly asking when I do that is for God to tell me what to do so I do not have to make the decision myself!  When what I really should be asking Him is to reveal HOW I should live my daily life and then the details of my decision-making will fall into place according to His will.  I very badly needed this subtle reminder today, so I am sharing it in case you do too!

Also, please pray for me this next week.  I am attending the first of the four required week long residencies in my study program.  I will be away from my kids for the whole week (my family is oh so sweetly staying at my house to care for them and drive them to their activities all week!).  I am feeling anxious about being away for seven days and I have been so distracted this week!  Really, really distracted.  Please pray that I can let every distraction go and truly immerse myself in the blessings of the seminars and teachings next week, learning to how to do what God wills with that joyous confidence Willard mentions above!

long overdue obituary

The week after Ryan died, in the midst of all the funeral planning, memorial service, and mortuary affairs, I was asked if I wanted to have an obituary written and printed in a local paper.  Seeing as we were having his memorial service in San Antonio, Texas, which was a city where we had only lived briefly and his burial service was in my hometown (so he would remain near the kids and I), but not a place where Ryan had actually lived in, I did not see a point in having anything written or printed. Besides, I just was not in a state of mind to write anything cohesive or poignant about Ryan's life.  So no obituary was written.  Those things are for small towns, right?  Like where others could see who had passed?  Ryan was from Los Angeles, do people in those large cities read those things anyway?  And why did I need to print Ryan's life, summarized into a small, impersonal paragraph, for random strangers to read?
Well, over a year later I was asked to write and share a brief background bio about Ryan for an upcoming TAPS Veterans Day event.  I put it off until the last day (yestersay) because I guess I just didn't know what to write or it felt like I was reducing his life to an inadequate paragraph.  But after I wrote it, I felt so proud of my beloved and I am actually glad I had a chance to think through his career and all he had so humbly accomplished, and write out this bio, - a long overdue obituary of sorts.  It makes me happy and sad and oh, so very proud of my Ryan when I reflect on his life and how selflessly and seriously he took his service to our country.  I put a copy of what I wrote below, as a way to preserve those words.  So here is Ryan's bio / obituary, finally printed out and to be shared at a TAPS event we will attend on Veteran's day next month.
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Ryan P. Sweeney, USAF, was born on May 16, 1977 and died while serving for the 690th Network Support Squadron out of Lackland AFB in San Antonio, Texas on June 24, 2016.  
In his over 16 years on active duty, he deployed to Saudi Arabia with the 608th Air Operations Center, served with the 10th Communications Squadron at the US Air Force Academy in Colorado Springs, taught air operation weapons systems at the 505th Training Squadron at Hurlburt Field, Florida, deployed to the Combined Air Operation Center in support of homeland defense and security after 9/11, deployed to both Saddam Airport Airbase and Alsalam Air Base, as part of Operation Iraqi Freedom, served a term under the White House Communications Agency, and rebuilt a program for the Pentagon 811th Force Support Squadron.
He enlisted into the Air Force in April 2000, after attending Pasadena City College in Los Angeles County.  He was born and raised in the Los Angeles area and no matter where he was stationed, always considered California his home.  He was an amazing husband and father, always involved in all the activities of his children.  He took his own life after a long hard-faught battle with depression and PTSD, leaving behind his wife, Jennifer, and his two children, a daughter, Kate, and a son, Charlie.  At the time of death, he was also survived by his mother, Betty Sweeney, a brother, Josh Randall, who serves for the Army National Guard and his grandmother, Eunice Holder, of Orange County, California.