I just wanted to ask for extra prayers this week. I feel like I am at a vulnerable and new place right now, with a lot of decisions to make about my future that I am fearful about making.
Two weeks ago I was at my first week long residency for the Renovare program (the second of the four will be in February) and it was such an amazing week. I arrived at the residency full of anxiety over a new situation, new people, and a keen sense of being far outside of my comfort zone. But I left at the end of that week full of hope, joy, and, surprising to me, a sense of healing. During that week away from my “normal life,” I realized I am not only ready for more, I want more. I want more than just keeping on keeping on. Sixteen months ago Ryan had told me he wanted me to live for me. For sixteen months I have been living for my children and existing because I have had no choice but to exist. And that is not to say that I have not experienced moments of joy or fulfillment in the midst of all that. But I have felt largely “lost,” for lack of a better word. My life had been planned out (in my own head) for at least the next ten years and then Ryan’s unexpected death took those plans and dumped them out upside down all around me. I have been living in the shadow of that heap of scattered plans and shattered dreams, wondering if or how I could ever want to “plan” again. I have had hope, knowing that new plans and new paths would at some point open up for me, but I have been mostly waiting. And waiting has been extremely important because healing needed to happen in that sacred space.
But here, now, I find myself actually looking at my future for the first time in a new light. New opportunities are opening up to me and I know I can not let fear be my decision maker. But I feel like I have forgotten how to make wise decisions, or even just decisions at all. It is easier to stay put where I am, but God often wants to move us up and out to something better. Please pray for my heart and mind this week as I discern what that process looks like for me, facing the decisions and opportunities that are before me. I know the decisions are mine to make but my prayer is that God transform my heart into the kind of person who makes decisions the way Jesus would, rooted in God’s love and power and peace.
Phil 4:6-7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God and the peace of God which passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus our Lord."
Psalm 29:11 “He will give strength & peace”
Psalm 85:8 “I will hear what God will speak... and He will speak peace”
Isaiah 26:3 “He will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Him”
Jeremiah 29:11 “His thoughts of us is for good, not for evil...for peace”
John 14:27 “Not to be afraid”
Romans 15:13 “To abound in hope”
1 Corinthians 14:33 “He is NOT the author of Confusion”
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