Little did I know when I typed those prayers and thoughts that morning, that the pastor's wife would call me that very same afternoon and ask me to prayerfully consider being one of the two speakers at our church's upcoming woman's conference.
I immediately said "no," because I am not a public speaker and that is SO far outside my comfort zone that I did not have to hesitate before giving her my negative answer. She so sweetly encouraged me not to answer right away though, and to spend some time praying about it. And her wise advice to me was to decline if I felt I was not ready to share my story but NOT to decline out of a place of fear, that God could work through the fear and she and others would help me with that. I remember holding the phone, as I sat on our guest room bed (because it was quiet in there) and I froze. The words I typed that morning in my blog came flooding back to me - something about stepping outside our comfort zones, something about speaking up, something about reaching out... Seriously, God?!
So I begin to let my sweet friend know what I had just typed that morning. And she replied back that she had wanted to ask me over the holidays if I would consider being a speaker, but that she kept being led to wait and wait. And that TODAY she felt it was time to ask me. I got goosebumps. I mean, the very afternoon after I type a blog post about speaking up and reaching out, she calls me and asks me to speak up and reach out... And she had no idea I even kept a blog, let alone the message God had put on my heart that morning.
So then I really felt like I had to at least consider this... But seriously, public speaking? God, why? Can't I just hide behind my blog page and share that way?? Please?
I began to really pray about this opportunity though and I know several others were also deep in prayer for me. And as I thought about maybe sharing my story, sharing Ryan's voice, I thought maybe this WAS something I could do. Maybe it was something I needed to do? So I gave a not-so-confident-yes answer.
I had two weeks to prepare, so I sat down to try to put what I felt God leading me to share into words for my speech... and then my Charlie got sick. Like 103 fever-coughing-so-hard-he-threw-up sick. It was so bad I had to take my little boy to urgent care that Saturday and he was diagnosed with both pneumonia and bronchitis. I was so busy caring for Charlie and then stressing about some reoccurring back pain I was having (side note - I found a GREAT chiropractor and my back pain is now under control, nothing major, like it was 2015), that I did not have the time or the energy to write my speech. I told the pastor's wife I was sorry but I just was not able to commit to being a speaker at the woman's conference. She respected my answer and, again, just encouraged me not to let fear drive my decision. And she was right... God did not give me any peace about backing out of this opportunity, He was instead giving me words that I needed to share... I was using Charlie's illness and my back as reasons to say "no," but it really was fear driving me. When I saw the pastor's wife again later that week, I somehow ended up saying "yes" again... And now I only had five days to write my speech and prepare...
I got a rough draft of my story put down on paper while my Charlie was slowly on the mend from his pneumonia. And then norovirus hit our house... My sister's family had been fighting it, so I knew the very moment I felt ill what was about to hit me and it was not going to be pretty... It struck me about 10pm on Thursday night. I went from tucking my kids into bed and cleaning up around the house to suddenly being brought to my knees with nausea, vomiting, and body aches worse than I can describe. I was SO very sick that night. And I was SO emotional that Ryan was not there to take care of me. Ryan was always the best at caring for me when I felt ill. The nasty norovirus only lasts about 24 hours and I read somewhere that it will not kill you, but it will make you wish you were dead. That is a true statement. It's just a nasty, ugly stomach bug, worse than I care to describe.
So I spent all night Thursday night just absolutely miserable and then Charlie drags himself into my room around 6am, having just thrown up and caught the bug himself. Friday I literally spend the whole day cleaning up vomit-covered blankets, sipping liquids, and trying to console a little boy who had not completely mended from his pneumonia and was now fighting dehydration from such a severe stomach bug. I was in tears Friday by afternoon, from exhaustion and body aches, from emotions over "single parenting" such a sick child, from being cooped up in the house, from grief and sickness.
I was a mess - physically, emotionally, and mentally. And that speech at the woman's conference was the very next morning. But I did not feel led to pull out and cancel. In confusion, I literally sat down and I prayed, "God, if you want me to be there, You will have to provided the healing. Because I can't do this in the condition I and my children are in." I called the pastor's wife Friday night and let her know it was not looking good... But I still went to bed Friday night feeling like God was leading me to be at that conference. I left it in His hands.
Saturday morning (or really in the middle of the night), Katherine came into my room, sometime around 3am - it was her turn and she had caught the stomach bug and, of course, thrown up all over her bed. I spent a few hours in the middle of the night doing laundry and Lysoling every surface in my house and trying to get a sick 14 year old comfortable enough to go back to sleep. Sometime around 4am I realized I was not going to be doing the speech - there was just too sickness and too much exhaustion. I surrendered, lied down on the couch, and prayed, expecting to be up and down with Katherine, caring for her, all night long.
Instead, I dozed off there on the couch and woke up to sunlight, sometime around 7:30am. Katherine had not thrown up the rest of the night! Charlie was doing better, and I actually felt good. Like I somehow had energy and felt good. Could it be that God provided the healing I asked Him for? I tentatively showered and kept checking on my children. They seemed to be okay - exhausted and achy, but okay. So, knowing my sister was checking in on and taking care of my children, it looked like I was going to be giving that speech after all...
And the woman's conference was wonderful - I met some amazing women who shared such precious stories with me. It was a great time of fellowship, worship, and time together. And I gave my speech. I was the second of the two speakers. While the first woman was speaking, I started to get really nervous - like a panicky-I-can't-do-this kind of nervous. I mean, I had barely finished writing my speech in the middle of all of our illnesses. I had not had time to edit it, let alone practice it. What was I thinking? I couldn't get up on that stage in front of all these woman and share my story with them... Panic. Sheer panic.
I started to pray. I realized the enemy had certainly tried his hardest to keep me from being here at the conference today. Sickness, doubt, exhaustion, fear - these had all been huge roadblocks - and yet God provided a way through or around the roadblocks. And I was sitting here, where I felt He called me to be. As the first speaker was finishing her story, I felt so nervous waiting for my introduction. But instead of introducing me, the worship music leader came up on stage and said we would sing one song in between the two speakers. And she began to play "In Christ Alone."
I think I have mentioned before, in another post, that that song, "In Christ Alone" is MY song. It is the song I go to in my trials and in my joys. It was the song I played CONSTANTLY when Ryan was deployed and I needed strength. I played it so much when my children were little that my son grew up calling in the "pretty song." THAT song is my life song. And the worship music leader had no idea... I put a link to the song at the bottom of this post. It is beautiful. That song eased all my anxiety and calmed my fears. After singing it, I was able to easily walk up to the stage, be introduced, and give my speech, telling my story, telling Ryan's story, telling God's story.
I was blessed to be able to share my story on Saturday. I saw several women crying while I spoke and I pray that whoever was supposed to hear those words did. The words were not mine, but what bubbled up in prayer, what God led me to put on paper that day and to share with those precious sisters at the conference. I am humbled that He not only LET me share, but that He provided the way, through all the enemy's roadblocks, to get me there and strengthen me enough to stand on that stage and speak. I put a copy of my speech in the post right below this one (titled "My Story") in case you all want to read it.
After the conference, I had so many women come up to me and share THEIR stories with me that I was blessed. Sharing our stories, sharing our weaknesses, being there to listen and reach out and let our hearts break for each other is SO important. It is where we truly live. Where we truly love.
And a side note, my Katherine was still sick on Saturday. When we all caught the norovirus, each of us were sick with vomiting for at least the first twelve hours. For Katherine, she only threw up that one time at 3am, then she did not throw up all the rest of Saturday morning - the time while I was dozing on the couch and getting ready for the conference. But then she returned to vomiting later on Saturday, before beginning to mend on Sunday and Monday. It is almost like she had a "pause" in her sickness on Saturday morning, like God gave her a pause so I could get to church for the conference without leaving a sick child behind. That is the only way I can think to explain that. God is good.
We all seem to be on the mend from all the sicknesses these past two weeks - but please pray for good health for us. I am not sure my heart can take the emotions of being sick and caring for sick children on my own any more right now. And at the same time, my heart is overflowing with thankfulness that God would choose to use me in some way and overflowing with blessings from having seen God work to get His message of love and comfort to the women at that conference. God is so good.
Here is the link to my favorite song - In Christ Alone
Another great song from the conference - My Story
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