Praise to the God of all Comfort: election day emotions

Election day evoked a lot of emotions and a little bit of stress for me. But probably not in the same way it did for most others Americans this day. My emotions and stress had very little to do with the election or the candidates or even politics - it had everything to do with memories. You see, four years ago, for the last election cycle, when President Obama was running for reelection we were living in Washington DC and Ryan was working for the White House Communications travel team. Ryan had the stressful job of traveling with the President to all his campaign stops across the country, working the behind the scenes work, driving motorcade routes, setting up teleprompters, all the work that few people see or even know happens with every single city the President makes a quick stop in. It was an exhausting year for our family. So with every campaign rally I saw on TV, my mind went back to Ryan's descriptions of these events. Below are a few pictures Ryan took four years ago. To be honest, I am not sure if I am "supposed to" share these pictures, but at this point with Ryan's career not being in jeopardy and President Obama's term finishing, I am going to share them anyway. Ha!

picture taken while sitting inside a motorcade vehicle,
waiting for event at the Capitol

on the airport tarmac, beside AF One,
at a campaign stop

our house was right there on the Potomac River

And all the images of Washington DC that flashed on our television screen were so familiar to me, as we spent three years exploring and getting to know that city as our home. In one of the familiar webcam backdrops that CNN uses for their news reports, we can actually spot our home there on the Potomac (if you zoom in and know where to look!). The little black arrow here to the left is pointing to it. My kids always say, "there's our old house!" when they see it on TV.

I have such mixed emotions about my opinion of that city. It was an AMAZING place to live, so much to do and see. We were blessed to have time there. Our family has so many happy memories of walking the National Mall, seeing the monuments, Smithsonians, soaking in American history and government first-hand. I loved our time there. But it was also one of the most stressful times we ever had as well.

The workplace mentality in the city of Washington DC is a kind of "every man for themselves" atmosphere. Military members are trained to have each others backs, but in DC, working in a unit that directly supports the White House, we did not see that. The stress level and the consequences of making even the tiniest mistake in that politically-charged environment can cost a person their career - and the security of knowing others would be there to help you just does not exist. We found it so incredibly disappointing and frustrating that the politics of finding it acceptable to throw another under the bus to boost your own status bled over into military mentality of units in Washington DC. Ryan could talk about the stress of being in Iraq and having to duck under his bed when rockets came over the walls into their compound but he often said that he knew everyone in the desert was watching out for each other and he could handle it. That even if his life was at risk, it was for a good and noble purpose and he trusted those around him to be there for him - and vice versa. But in Washington DC, the stress of working for the White House was often unbearable. Careers could be lost for the tiniest slip-up - a phone cable with static on the line, a paper put in the wrong place, a printer not printing correctly, a presidential placard falling off a podium (it happened during a presidential address one time & one of Ryan's co-workers was severely disciplined for it). And all that stress and zero margin of error was not to save lives, like in a war-zone, it was simply so that a political leader would not be slightly inconvenienced. Ryan often talked about how he could understand the stress in the desert - lives were at stake. But to deal with the extreme stress that the president possibly having a little static on his phone line (when he had five other phones ready and waiting) seemed "silly" or so trivial in the grand scope of what is happening in our world. It was a source of frustration for Ryan - and one that I have hoped to share with the White House Communications Association (WHCA) leaders to evoke change. Our military leaders owe their troops better than this type of environment. It was while in DC, dealing with these frustrations, that I first saw Ryan struggle with life and struggle to make sense of the situations life had put him in, comparing both his time and duties in the Middle East with his time and duties then in Washington DC. In hindsight, it was really a mental struggle that plagued Ryan more than any of us ever knew.

So as I sat watching election night unfold, my mind went back to Ryan's conversations about WHCA and what seems to me to be such useless stresses that he was put through - and it made me very emotional. But I also was watching the familiar sights of one of my "homes" (each place we were stationed became a home to us) and I missed DC at the same time. That city is full of so many extremes for me - extreme sorrow, extreme joy. But it boils down to the fact that I miss Ryan and I can not look at that city without a flood of sorrow and a flood of happy, joyous memories of our time there too. Outside of work, Ryan loved exploring the city and we had SO much fun together there, the four of us, on his days off. Ryan told his mental health provider (she shared this with me a few months ago) there that his best days were the days the four of us set off on an adventure downtown and his worst days were the ones he was traveling with WHCA - such highs and such lows - just so many emotions.

motorcade vehicle

Again, not sure I'm "supposed to" have these pictures, but here they are anyway - Ryan took these in the Oval Office. The statue is a Remington that sits in the office. Ryan was there before sunrise a lot of mornings to check phone lines.