Dream

Since July 24th, sleep has not come easy. I usually doze off for a bit and then wake up in terror, heart pounding, with vivid, desperate dreams. I can describe the dreams but they basically all involve trying to reach or communicate to Ryan that Friday, and I fail every time. A friend of mine is worried about the cortisol running through my body for so long causing PTSD. I agree it is taking a toll on my mentally and physically. I have never been one to remember any dreams I ever have, so this is new and very scary to me. It is exhausting. Yesterday I tried to nap and the same thing kept happing, so I gave up trying. Last night before bed, out of pure exhaustion, I finally gave in and took a sleep aid and prayed, asking God for a spirit of comfort and to bind away any spirits in this house, except his, throughout the night. I actually slept for 8 hours, 11pm-7am! Praise God! I did have a vivid dream but it was a different one. In my dream I sitting and when I looked up, I saw Ryan. Unlike my other dreams, I was aware that he was not alive so I was shocked to see him. I couldn't get up but I called his name and he looked at me. I called it again and he came over to me and he said, "I am so, so sorry. I love you so very much." It was like I was just frozen to my spot and I kept reaching for him. He came to me and hugged me and kissed me. And it was like I knew I was dreaming or I knew he wasn't real and yet I could still feel his hug and his kiss. I could tell him I loved him so much and missed him so badly and hold him for a few seconds. Then he had to leave. I asked him to please be back, like to visit me, and I think he nodded. After he left my dream moved on to chaos, like evil in the form of a distorted person seemed to show up and I was yelling for it to be squashed and rebuked in the name of Jesus. It stood there watching me and I fled from the evil. It didn't follow me, just watched me flee. But that moment with Ryan was peaceful. He was wearing the red t-shirt and jeans he wore often and he had a smile that showed no pain, just peace. He was quiet and very slow and focused on me and seemed not able to stay long though, just a quick visit. He seemed hesitant to hug me, but I was reaching so desperately for him and his hug and kiss did comfort me. I had to share that. I'm lying here this morning sobbing and crying as I type this because I miss him SO SO much, but I know this is beyond my imagination running wild and a small glimpse of comfort from God. He can occasionally lift the veil to heaven for us. I feel so sad right now and can't stop crying this morning, but the panic in my cry is gone, just a deep sorrow and free flowing tears. I know Ryan is at peace and he is with God and he is taking care of each of us and protecting us, so lovingly, from heaven.