Anger

Yesterday was my Katherine's birthday, so we took her to the movies and out to get a fancy cake and spent time with my sister and my nephews. It was a good day. Sleep has been better (with a sleep aid) and my stomach has too, allowing me to eat again. My body is physically gaining strength and recovering, I am so thankful. I remember reading an email a week ago that said one of the stages of grief is angry. I remember reading that and thinking, that won't happen. I'm sad, but certainly not mad. But I caught a random picture of my precious Katherine today and she looks SO grown up to me and I suddenly realized Ryan will never know or see 14 year old Katherine... It hit me hard. And I took a shower and wept and got angry in the shower, letting some of it come out. I am angry Ryan won't be here. Charlie turned 10 last week and he won't have a dad to teach him all those things Ryan was supposed to teach him. It is simply not fair. I don't do anger, I don't yell or fight. I guess anger scares me. Ryan and I never fought. We would immaturely ignore each other or give the "silent treatment" for a few hours, but one of us would always crack and approach the other to apologize and it would be okay. In 15 years of marriage I can't remember once raising our voices at each other and the longest we ever ignored each other was an ever so agonizing 24 hours. I was blessed to have such a gentle, loving husband. So I don't want to be angry with Ryan, I am trying not to be, but there is some anger that I want to place somewhere. I am hoping the grief counselor can help with some of that next week. I also am struggling with Ryan's arrival. He arrives at LAX (Los Angeles airport) at 6:30pm on Thursday. They have what is called a "dignified arrival," with honor guard there to meet him and escort him to Santa Maria, where he will be laid to rest on Friday. Apparently I can attend the arrival ceremony and the military will drive me there. But LAX is 3-4 hours away (depending on traffic) and I would have to be there a few hours early to get through security at such a huge airport. If I go, then I wouldn't get home until at least 11pm that night and Ryan's funeral is the next day. My kids can't do that, they would be exhausted and I don't know if I feel comfortable being away from them that long (Charlie seems worried when I am not near him). But I feel like I should be there and maybe I am making excuses as to why I can't... Or maybe I just want more time with Ryan, when that isn't really a reality. Anyway, I am really, really struggling with this decision today.