a new year

This past year literally brought me to my knees, trusting in the Lord and His path for my life more than ever before.  I was brought to my knees that day in June that I collapsed, trying to comprehend the news I was just given - Ryan is gone.  Brought to my knees, on freshly laid grass, clutching the flag given to me at the cemetery.  Brought to my knees, praying fervently for healing and for the hearts of my children.  But I am still standing – I am standing and straddling that line – with joy on one side and sorrow on the other.  And if there is anything I have learned this year it is that joy and sorrow are not mutually exclusive.  Extreme grief can indeed coexist with a God-given joy and a hope for the future.

Although this year was easily a horrific nightmare worse than I could ever have imagined and I am still continuing on this unending journey of grief, 2016 also brought some new beginnings.  The beginning of an even deeper relationship with our loving God - a relationship I have had for a long time but one I never knew could exist so deeply.  There were days where I did not think I could take the next breathe, or even want to, without Ryan, and it was during those moments I could literally feel the presence of our Lord – the feeling of His comforting embrace letting me know the children and I were going to be okay.  I just needed to trust in Him.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

It also brought new beginnings in the form of new friendships, with those who has walked their own broken roads and have both loved and lost.  Those precious other survivors have blessed me with their gift of friendship, their time, and their love, bringing much hope, healing, happiness, and joy to my life, when I have so desperately needed it.  I am thankful for their presence in my life.

This year brought me closer to some existing relationships as well - my children, my family and those friends who stood by me, not leaving my side, in the darkest of my days.  God knew it was these people I would need at just that exact point in my life, not necessarily for the time in which I met them.  I will forever be grateful to those who listened night after night as I worked through my tears, my feelings, and my darkest thoughts over and over.  I am ever so thankful for those of you who let the Lord use you as his hands and heart here on earth to me.  Thank you.

And as 2016 draws to an ends, I have realized I am a survivor.  I make a choice every morning - sometimes that choice is not without a fight - but I choose to move forward and not only survive, but find joy in this life on earth, while listening to the Lord.  Ryan's letter to me said that he wanted me to be happy, remember the good, and live life - I think making the choice each morning to step forward in God's will is the best way I know how to honor Ryan.  

Last year, as 2015 drew to an end, I wished for a better year.  2015 had left me upset over spending several months stuck in bed after a back injury, back surgery, and hours of physical therapy learning to reuse my leg again.  I wished for a better 2016. As I look towards 2017, I am of course hopeful for good things, but mostly I am thankful for God's loving presence, knowing He will be with me through whatever joys, trials, excitement, or sorrow awaits.  Whatever the circumstances of the new year, God is still good.  He always has been and always will be. "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." Isaiah 43:2

my little helper

I have a table in our upstairs loft that I wanted to get rid of but it was too big for me to get down the stairs.  The movers must have assembled it up there, since it is too wide to get down in one piece.  Charlie heard me complain about it this morning, then give up and go outside to work in the garden.  When I came back in from outside, I found that Charlie had taken the initiative to go out to the garage, find his daddy's socket set, and he was upstairs removing the legs from the table for me.  He has such a sweet heart, is such a good helper, and I know Ryan would be so proud of him this morning.

2016

I saw this cartoon today and had to agree.  Several celebrities died this week, including Carrie Fisher and her mother, Debbie Reynolds.  The astronomer who discovered dark matter, the inventor of the red solo cup, Neil deGrasse Tyson's father, several music artists...

We also had a very messy presidential campaign this year.   2106 just appears to have been a complete mess of sadness, turmoil, chaos, and sorrow.  It was, for me, the most horrific year imaginable and the most sorrowful year of my entire life.  I did jokingly say today though that perhaps heaven is filling up with friends for Ryan.  I mean I know he would be delighted to meet Princess Leia, but he really preferred a drinking glass over a plastic solo cup... Sorry Robert Hulseman...

But I remember at the end of 2015, praying for a better year after my back injury and back surgery that year.  I was in a lot of pain and stuck in bed for several months, due to a ruptured disc and then physical therapy to have to regain use of my leg.  It was frustrating and difficult.  I was full of hope for 2016 and then, instead, my entire life was turned upside down on June 24th.  So I really am hesitant at this point to have any expectations for the new year.  Let's just say that in a few days the calendar will change from saying 2016 to 2017 and I will keep relying on God's faithful provision, God's incredible strength, and being thankful for God's deep love for us.  One day at a time, in His will.

grief article

Read this article today and although blunt, it speaks a lot of truth.

Stifled Grief article

Christmas pictures

Christmas morning joy!

Ollie the Christmas puppy

Sharing his chocolate with Aunt Jen

Mermaid bathing suit

I think he likes his Christmas gift

Puppy hugs

Christmas

6 months

Today is Christmas Eve and the six month anniversary of Ryan's death.  I am missing him something fierce today.

Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.  Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord’s hand double for all her sins. A voice of one calling: “In the wilderness prepare the way for the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.  Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain.  And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all people will see it together.  A voice says, “Cry out.”  And I said, “What shall I cry?”  “All people are like grass, and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.  The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them.  Surely the people are grass.  The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever.”  You who bring good news to Zion, go up on a high mountain.  You who bring good news to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah, “Here is your God!”  See the Sovereign Lord comes with power, and he rules with a mighty arm.  See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him. He tends his flock like a shepherd:  He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.  (Isaiah 40:1-11)

cousins

Silly Christmas cousins make me smile.

performance weekend

This past weekend was a bittersweet whirlwind of events. I was blessed to see both my children perform.  Charlie played clarinet with the SLO Youth Symphony Cadet Winds at the Cal Poly PAC on Saturday afternoon.  Katherine danced at several shows for the Allan Hancock College Youth Dance Company's Nutcracker production this past week.  Both did an amazing job.  Their performances were beautiful and made me so proud. Their smiles were authentically joyful and that made my heart happy.
This weekend was kind of like an answer to prayer for me.  I have spent hours, days, weeks, months, praying for my children's aching hearts.  No child should know the deep and intense ache of losing a parent.  It is an understatement to say that these past six months have been difficult.  They have been beyond difficult.  Excruciating at times.  My children have gone through transitions that they did not want to make, they have had to rebuild a life and make new friends when sorrow consumed our family, and yet they have worked hard even when their grieving hearts did not always feel like trying,  This weekend they each, somewhat nervously, stood up and shared the results of their hard work with our family, friends, and community.  And their proud smiles after each performance were evidence to me that they are healing.  It makes my mama heart so happy to see them joyfully performing and sharing their God-given gifts with others. Their daddy would be so, so proud of them - their resiliency, their strength, their faith, and their loving hearts learning to heal through the arts that they enjoy so much.
Although this past week was exhausting (the long rehearsals, the miles driving them back and forth, the preparing, the practicing, the late bedtimes, etc..), this past week was also like a little Christmas present to me.  A reminder that although these past six months have been horrific and filled with sorrow, God has been at work in my children's hearts, preparing and healing them.  Perhaps even teaching them the lessons of how sorrow and joy can coexist.  Teaching us that we can all move into this new year, remembering Daddy with sadness but also rejoicing in the goodness of God, as He comforts us, grows us, and does not waste a thing here on earth.  In part of the letters that Ryan left each of the children, he tells them to let go of sadness and anger and to help others, heal, and do good, and that in doing that they will excel at their talents.  How he knew to write those words to the children when he himself was in the deepest pain imaginable is simply amazing to me.  Ryan's wisdom and intelligence and advice always amazed me.  It is one of the things I miss the most.  But I think this weekend Ryan was smiling down from heaven at his two beautiful children, not just because of their performances, but because they are taking his sweet advice and making him so proud.

because teenagers love snapchat...

Christmas gift tag

Christmas time.  Whew, the Christmas season is upon us.  The first Christmas without Ryan.  Christmas Eve is the six month anniversary of Ryan's death.  Half a year.  How does half a year go by both so swiftly and also so agonizingly slow?  

To be honest I really braced myself for this season to be quite horrific.  I thought it would be too much to handle, that the overwhelming sorrow of grief would re-consume me all over again.  And I am a Christmas person.  I love Christmas.  I love the lights and the carols and the candles and the joy.  But it is because I love the joy of Christmas that I knew this one would be terrible.  How is there any joy when half of me is gone?  How do I "celebrate" anything when Ryan is gone?  How do I "do" Christmas?

But somehow it is never the "big" things that bring me to my knees in sorrow.  It is the little, most unexpected, things.  I have been pretty brave about putting up our Christmas tree, we hung a few lights, and I even mailed a handful of Christmas cards (count yourself lucky if you received one...).  I could not bring myself to hang the stockings though.  A mantle with three stockings would not look right and a fourth empty stocking did not seem right either.  So I just settled on skipping the stockings altogether this year.  And I really was okay with that decision.

I began to think maybe this holiday thing won't be as bad as I had anticipated in my mind.  So today I settled in - I had Christmas carols playing, my tree lights twinkling, rain pouring down outside, and a mug of peppermint mocha nearby while I sat down to wrap gifts.  I actually felt pretty joyful.  I miss Ryan more than anything in the world, but I have come to a place where my pain and my joy can coexist.  Then the "little thing" hit me.  I wrapped a few gifts for my children and when I went to fill out the "from" part of the gift tags I froze.  I usually write from "Daddy & Mommy" on each package.  And I couldn't.  Every year I would usually do most of the shopping for our kids' gifts but I would sign them all as from both "Daddy & Mommy."  I slowly wrote from "Mommy" and then just cried at how wrong it looked.  The tag was missing something.  My heart was missing something.  Ryan's absence hit me like a ton of bricks there on that gift tag.  There was the consuming wave of Christmas grief.  Not in the tree decorating or light hanging, but in the simple writing of the first gift tag.

Presidential letter

Received this in the mail today - letter signed by the President honoring Ryan.
 It has been almost six months since Ryan's death, so it was quite unexpected.

a fresh wave

So I woke up at 4am this morning and I can't sleep, just overcome with a fresh wave a grief, out of nowhere really, and seemingly as strong as it was back in June.  I have not had a "wave" this strong in quite awhile, in fact I have been doing pretty well lately.  I don't know if it is the holiday season, an emotional weekend, exhaustion, or a grief I did not realize was building.  But this morning it is like I can't breathe again.  I can't stop the flow of raw unending tears.  I can't stop the hurt and the pain.

I have been lying here going through pictures of my Ryan for the past hour, crying over each one.  The ones that hurt the most are the ones of my children, clinging to their daddy the way children do, with big smiles on their faces.  It hurts to know that they won't ever get to cling to their daddy in that childlike, loving way ever again on this side of heaven.  These pictures I have are simply not enough.  It hurts to know I will never hear the sound of the key turning in the lock at our front door, followed by the familiar squeal of delight reserved only for Ryan of, "Daddy is home!!"  Mommies do not get that squeal.  That was a greeting for Daddy, and Daddy alone.  And it is gone.

I miss him so very badly.  It hurts so much.  I think sometimes I convince myself he is just deployed or at work or something, but this morning I know and I feel the truth - that he is not.  I know he is gone.  I FEEL he is gone.  Oh, I would desperately give anything to see Ryan walk through the door right now, to embrace me, to hear the children's happy squeal, to have him back.  But I do not get that.  And it just hurts oh so much.

Christmas tree

Every year we purchase an ornament or two for our Christmas tree, either from a place we visit that year, a place we have lived, or to mark a special event.  So our Christmas tree is always a precious conglomeration of our family memories, accumulated over the past 15 years.  I did not want to even put the tree up this year, but Kate and Charlie wanted it, so of course we did.  And I figured this year I probably would not purchase a new ornament, but instead I found one to put Ryan's picture in.  The 2016 tree ornament contribution is an American flag, with a teardrop, and Ryan's photo.  We are calling it the Daddy ornament.

Great Grandma

My children's great grandmother went home to be with Jesus late Wednesday night.  Eunice was an amazing woman of faith.  She was widowed in her 40's and raised her 5 children, relying on the Lord to lead her.  She was 93.  I know she had been waiting (sometime impatiently) 50 years to be reunited with her husband, Charlie Paul (my Charlie is named after her him).  I have no doubt that she is right now dancing with Jesus and embracing her husband and her favorite grandson (my Ryan), rejoicing.  So it is an extremely happy day in heaven!  If she could, she would be rubbing into us how lucky she is to have Ryan and Charlie Paul all to herself right now and that makes me smile.  My heart could just burst thinking of their joy!

90th birthday

The kids and I got to spend a wonderful Thanksgiving with Eunice.  Even at age 93, she sat on the floor and played board games with Kate, Charlie, and their cousins - it was a competitive game and Great Grandma was so full of spunk and joy.  She had a good day that day.  God is SO good to have given us those precious memories together on Thanksgiving!  So we cry tears this week of missing Eunice, her lively spirit, her smile, her unconditional love - but we cry tears of joy for her as she is exactly where she has longed to be for so long - in God's loving arms.

Thanksgiving 2016

holiday article

I read this article, link below, about getting ready for the holidays and having a plan to deal with grief in this season. I thought it was a good read and wanted to share:

Prepare Yourself for the Holidays

Thanksgiving

"I give thanks to God always when I remember you." (Phil. 1:4)

Today marks five months since Ryan's death.  How does time go both so slowly and so quickly at the same time?  Today is also Thanksgiving and I am left wondering how to "give thanks" on a day like today.  But we give thanks, not because of how we feel or what situations we find ourselves in, but because of who God is.

It is a good thing to give thanks - to confess that God is deeply good, even when everything about the world feels like it's not.  And proclaiming "God is good" is not some cliche statement saved for our good days, when all is happy.  "God is good" is a radical, defiant cry for our most terrible days.  It is our saving lifeline when all is too difficult. So I give thanks today for who our God is and for each of my dear family and friends who have reached out and been an extension of God's goodness to the kids and I in this difficult year.  I give thanks for you.  Always.

broken

I am currently reading "The Broken Way - A Daring Path into the Abundant Life" by Ann Voskamp.  It is a beautiful book.  She is a beautiful writer.  Here is a quote from today that really spoke to me:
"The seed breaks to give us the wheat.  The soil breaks to give us the crop, the sky breaks to give us the rain, the wheat breaks to give us the bread.  And the bread breaks to give us the feast.  There was once even an alabaster jar that broke to give Him all the glory... Never be afraid of being a broken thing.
"For a seed to come fully into its own, it must become wholly undone. The shell must break open, its insides must come out, and everything must change.  If you didn't understand what life looks like, you might mistake it for complete destruction... Brokenness can make abundance."

your presence

This is such a painfully accurate view of loss and grief.  A lot of times people in our lives unintentionally "complicate" our grief.  The best thing you can do for a grieving person is simply sit by their side, breathe so they remember to, and let them not be okay.  What they need most is to know it is okay to not be okay.  It is in this quiet "not-okay-ness" that God begins to work.  God draws near to the broken-hearted and it is He who binds up their wounds.  But it it is a process that needs space and time to happen.  People who rush in to try to "fix" the situation, cheer a grieving person up, or who jump into service are possibly getting in God's way.  And those who back away in fear are missing the opportunity for God to use their presence as a healing agent.  So if you have a friend or family member shocked by the chaos of a sudden grief and you have no idea what to do, or they seem to ignore your request to help, just know it is totally okay to simply show up and sit silently by their side.  Listen if they need an ear, offer a shoulder if they need to cry, bring them a glass of water, but mostly just be there.  Your presence acknowledges to them that it is okay to not be okay - and that is enough.  It really is enough.  Because God handles the rest.

"Praise the Lord.  How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise him!

The Lord builds up Jerusalem; he gathers the exiles of Israel.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

He determines the number of the stars and calls them each by name.

Great is our Lord and mighty in power; his understanding has no limit.

The Lord sustains the humble but casts the wicked to the ground.

Sing to the Lord with grateful praise; make music to our God on the harp.

He covers the sky with clouds; he supplies the earth with rain and makes grass grow on the hills.

He provides food for the cattle and for the young ravens when they call.

His pleasure is not in the strength of the horse, nor his delight in the legs of the warrior;

the Lord delights in those who fear him, who put their hope in his unfailing love.

Extol the Lord Jerusalem; praise your God, Zion.

He strengthens the bars of your gates and blesses your people within you.

He grants peace to your borders and satisfies you with the finest of wheat.

He sends his command to the earth; his word runs swiftly.

He spreads the snow like wool and scatters the frost like ashes.

He hurls down his hail like pebbles. Who can withstand his icy blast

He sends his word and melts them; he stirs up his breezes, and the waters flow.

He has revealed his word to Jacob; his laws and decrees to Israel.

He has done this for no other nation; they do not know his laws.

Praise the Lord." (Ps. 147)

veterans day

So today is Vererans day.  In years past it was a day of joy for our family.  Ryan of course had the day off and we would go through the list of places that offer "freebies" to veterans and then plan our outings and meals around that.  It became almost a tradition to discuss and make our family plans - the free donut at Kristy Kreme, free admission to such & such theme park or event, free lunch/dinner at such & such restaurant, etc...  Veterans Day became a day of family togetherness for us.  This year I saw that annual list published and my first thought was to plan our day, immediately followed by the sadness that this year is different - my veteran is not here.  I am trying to be thankful for Ryan's service to our country today, but the ugly reality is that I am a little bit angry about his service to our country, because Ryan served and it was in his service that his tender heart was stressed and broken.  He served his country with all he had, but I kind of feel like our country did not serve him back.  Our country is not protecting the "22 a day" that have given and struggle.
I have said before that I do not do anger well.  So as I struggle with Veterans Day this year, I am acutely aware of the anger I feel and am hoping to refocus it somewhere productive.  I know many will extend a "thank you for your service" to the military members and the families they know today.  But maybe this year, as you thank a military member, also offer to be there for them.  Ask your veteran friends how they are doing.  Really truly doing.  Then listen.  Listen to their stories.  Listen to their proud moments and their struggles.  Be a safe place for them to share.  Let your thank you gift be a heart open to listening. Maybe this Veterans Day we can offer more than just saying thanks and offering a freebie - maybe it can be a day where we SHOW our thanks by supporting our veterans with the gift of our presence and our sincere interest in their wellbeing.  And then let's keep doing that every. single. day. and not just on November 11th. ❤️

election day emotions

Election day evoked a lot of emotions and a little bit of stress for me.  But probably not in the same way it did for most others Americans this day.  My emotions and stress had very little to do with the election or the candidates or even politics - it had everything to do with memories.  You see, four years ago, for the last election cycle, when President Obama was running for reelection we were living in Washington DC and Ryan was working for the White House Communications travel team.  Ryan had the stressful job of traveling with the President to all his campaign stops across the country, working the behind the scenes work, driving motorcade routes, setting up teleprompters, all the work that few people see or even know happens with every single city the President makes a quick stop in.  It was an exhausting year for our family.  So with every campaign rally I saw on TV, my mind went back to Ryan's descriptions of these events.  Below are a few pictures Ryan took four years ago.  To be honest, I am not sure if I am "supposed to" share these pictures, but at this point with Ryan's career not being in jeopardy and President Obama's term finishing, I am going to share them anyway.  Ha!

picture taken while sitting inside a motorcade vehicle,
waiting for event at the Capitol



on the airport tarmac, beside AF One,
at a campaign stop











our house was right there on the Potomac River 

And all the images of Washington DC that flashed on our television screen were so familiar to me, as we spent three years exploring and getting to know that city as our home.  In one of the familiar webcam backdrops that CNN uses for their news reports, we can actually spot our home there on the Potomac (if you zoom in and know where to look!).  The little black arrow here to the left is pointing to it.  My kids always say, "there's our old house!" when they see it on TV.

I have such mixed emotions about my opinion of that city.  It was an AMAZING place to live, so much to do and see.  We were blessed to have time there.  Our family has so many happy memories of walking the National Mall, seeing the monuments, Smithsonians, soaking in American history and government first-hand.  I loved our time there.  But it was also one of the most stressful times we ever had as well. 

The workplace mentality in the city of Washington DC is a kind of "every man for themselves" atmosphere.  Military members are trained to have each others backs, but in DC, working in a unit that directly supports the White House, we did not see that.  The stress level and the consequences of making even the tiniest mistake in that politically-charged environment can cost a person their career - and the security of knowing others would be there to help you just does not exist.  We found it so incredibly disappointing and frustrating that the politics of finding it acceptable to throw another under the bus to boost your own status bled over into military mentality of units in Washington DC.  Ryan could talk about the stress of being in Iraq and having to duck under his bed when rockets came over the walls into their compound but he often said that he knew everyone in the desert was watching out for each other and he could handle it.  That even if his life was at risk, it was for a good and noble purpose and he trusted those around him to be there for him - and vice versa.  But in Washington DC, the stress of working for the White House was often unbearable.  Careers could be lost for the tiniest slip-up - a phone cable with static on the line, a paper put in the wrong place, a printer not printing correctly, a presidential placard falling off a podium (it happened during a presidential address one time & one of Ryan's co-workers was severely disciplined for it).  And all that stress and zero margin of error was not to save lives, like in a war-zone, it was simply so that a political leader would not be slightly inconvenienced.  Ryan often talked about how he could understand the stress in the desert - lives were at stake.  But to deal with the extreme stress that the president possibly having a little static on his phone line (when he had five other phones ready and waiting) seemed "silly" or so trivial in the grand scope of what is happening in our world.  It was a source of frustration for Ryan - and one that I have hoped to share with the White House Communications Association (WHCA) leaders to evoke change.  Our military leaders owe their troops better than this type of environment.  It was while in DC, dealing with these frustrations, that I first saw Ryan struggle with life and struggle to make sense of the situations life had put him in, comparing both his time and duties in the Middle East with his time and duties then in Washington DC.  In hindsight, it was really a mental struggle that plagued Ryan more than any of us ever knew.

So as I sat watching election night unfold, my mind went back to Ryan's conversations about WHCA and what seems to me to be such useless stresses that he was put through - and it made me very emotional.  But I also was watching the familiar sights of one of my "homes" (each place we were stationed became a home to us) and I missed DC at the same time.  That city is full of so many extremes for me - extreme sorrow, extreme joy.  But it boils down to the fact that I miss Ryan and I can not look at that city without a flood of sorrow and a flood of happy, joyous memories of our time there too.  Outside of work, Ryan loved exploring the city and we had SO much fun together there, the four of us, on his days off.  Ryan told his mental health provider (she shared this with me a few months ago) there that his best days were the days the four of us set off on an adventure downtown and his worst days were the ones he was traveling with WHCA - such highs and such lows - just so many emotions. 

motorcade vehicle

Again, not sure I'm "supposed to" have these pictures, but here they are anyway - Ryan took these in the Oval Office.  The statue is a Remington that sits in the office.  Ryan was there before sunrise a lot of mornings to check phone lines.

this is Charlie's Spider-Man & Kate's Blue
Monkey sitting in front of the Remington

pic Ryan took of the Oval Office



Cherry Blossom Festival



annual Egg Roll

 

at a White House event together 



White House trick-or-treating









had to end with a joke...