so will I

A friend shared this amazing song, “So Will I (100 billion x)” performed by Tori Kelly (link below).  I absolutely love love it.

So Will I by Tori Kelly

God of creation
There at the start
Before the beginning of time
With no point of reference
You spoke to the dark
And fleshed out the wonder of light

And as You speak
A hundred billion galaxies are born
In the vapor of Your breath the planets form
If the stars were made to worship so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You’ve made
Every burning star
A signal fire of grace
If creation sings Your praises so will I

God of Your promise
You don’t speak in vain
No syllable empty or void
For once You have spoken
All nature and science
Follow the sound of Your voice

And as You speak
A hundred billion creatures catch Your breath
Evolving in pursuit of what You said
If it all reveals Your nature so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You say
Every painted sky
A canvas of Your grace
If creation still obeys You so will I
So will I
So will I

If the stars were made to worship so will I
If the mountains bow in reverence so will I
If the oceans roar Your greatness so will I
For if everything exists to lift You high so will I
If the wind goes where You send it so will I
If the rocks cry out in silence so will I
If the sum of all our praises still falls shy
Then we’ll sing again a hundred billion times

God of salvation
You chased down my heart
Through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world
Abandoned in darkness to die

And as You speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here
If You left the grave behind You so will I
I can see Your heart in everything You’ve done
Every part designed in a work of art called love
If You gladly chose surrender so will I
I can see Your heart
Eight billion different ways
Every precious one
A child You died to save
If You gave Your life to love them so will I

Like You would again a hundred billion times
But what measure could amount to Your desire
You’re the One who never leaves the one behind

gorgeous evening beach walk,
if creation sings your praises, so will I

eternal life 🌅

I am reading the final chapter of Dallas Willard’s “Divine Conspiracy” and truthfully, I am going to be sad to finish this book.  It has been like a companion to me the last two months of study!  But in this final chapter, where Willard draws together conclusions on what our human future is to look like, he paints a picture of heaven and eternal life that I am so drawn to.  It is a picture of each human set free in a gorgeous universe, empowered to do what we want to do, actively and creatively.  Having finally developed the kind of character to be able to do so, we “shall shine brightly, like the sun, in the Kingdom of our Father” (Mt. 13:43).  It is a picture that both brings joy and meaning to our present lives, but also hope and anticipation of eternal life.  Below is my own paraphrase of Willard’s chapter on the human future in this universe: 

The present universe is only one element in God’s Kingdom but it is the one in which the Son of man is currently preparing for us to join him in his stunning surroundings, where He has been since the creation of the cosmos.  We will there actively participate in the future governance of the universe.  We will not just sit around looking at one another or God, but we will ‘reign with him’ in the endless ongoing creative work of God.  This is what each individual was intended for.  Our faithfulness over a ‘few things’ in the present develops the kind of character that can be entrusted to enter the joy of the Lord in the ‘many things.’  And the joy is the creation and care of what is good.  His plan for us, as apprentices to Jesus, is for us to develop to where we can then take our place in the ongoing creativity of the universe.  

If that is not an amazing picture of heaven, I do not know what is!  I remember about a year ago one of the members of my GriefShare group made a comment about he thought heaven sounded “boring.”  He had said if everything is so perfect, what will there be to do?  I think this chapter in Willard’s book addresses that question!  God desires us to join him in being creative, even empowering us with the ability to create and care over what we want to, because our souls, our personalities, our characters will have been developed into the kind of children of God who can participate in that Kingdom!  Just as we desire for our children to develop the kind of character where they can be empowered to use their creative gifts to do what they want, God desires this for us - to active and unimaginably creative with him!  This is what it means to be a disciple, or an apprentice, to Jesus- truly learning what Jesus does and then to be able to be like Jesus in his actions, here on earth and then on into eternity. 

This quote by George MacDonald is a gorgeous picture of our future:

“And in the perfect time, O perfect God,

When we are in our home, our natal home,

When joy shall carry every sacred load,

And from it’s life and peace no heart shall roam,

What if thou make us able to like thee-

To light with moons, to clothe with greenery,

To hang gold sunset o’er a rose and purple sea.”

evening walk - sky painted pink and blue at sunset

evening walk - God’s gorgeous sunset

Thanksgiving prayer

“When you sit down to eat, pray.  When you eat bread, do so thanking Him for being so generous to you.  If you drink wine, be mindful of Him who has given it to you for your pleasure and as a relief in sickness.  When you dress, thank Him for His kindness in providing you with clothes.  When you look at the sky and the beauty of the stars, throw yourself at God’s feet and adore Him who in His wisdom has arranged things in this way.  Similarly, when the sun goes down and when it rises, when you are asleep or awake, give thanks to God, who created and arranged all things for your benefit, to have you know, love and praise their Creator.”  - Saint Basil the Great

Happy Thanksgiving!

Let your roots grow down into him, and let your lives be built on him.  Then your faith will grow strong in the truth you were taught, and you will overflow with thankfulness.  (Colossians 2:7)

🍂🌻🍗🌾🦃🍁🌽💛

grief work

Please keep my sweet Charlie man in your prayers right now.  The next few months are going to be difficult for him.  He has been dealing with a lot and some of his buried grief is surfacing in ways that are so difficult for this mama’s heart to take.  Charlie started working with a grief counselor last month, very willingly.  He has been just a little down and sad, with intermittent episodes of anger.  I suspected he needed to talk about his daddy but that he is reluctant that I be the person he talks to because he fears making me cry or causing me to be sad.  He is such a tender-hearted boy, like his daddy.  And I sometimes forget that I had months and months of counseling and the support of my weekly GriefShare group at church to help me understand, process, and learn to move forward (not move on, just move forward) in healthy ways.  But my children, largely, have wanted to just be normal kids and were thriving with their routines and family support.  And my counselor assured this paranoid mama that that was okay.  Kids grieve differently and they may not even fully grieve until later in their lives.  I was told as long as they were doing well in friendships, in school, in social situations, etc,, to just let them grieve as they choose and to step in when/if their behavior were to shift towards anything not typical for their personalities.  Sometimes children really just need to find the security and stability of a routine and a new normal before they can feel safe enough to explore the difficult, deep emotions of a loss.  But that is where Charlie is at - he needs to address the issues buried down deep in his heart as they start to seep up.  The painful emotions can cause confusion and sorrow that my children may not have learned the skills to navigate on their own.  My heart aches that my sweet eleven year old has to navigate these at all, but Charlie is such a brave and strong boy.  He amazes me.  He and his counselor are tackling the emotions of grief, suicide, moving forward, sorrow, and acceptance.  It is important for my little guy to have guidance in sorting through these emotions and I am SO thankful for the amazing lady so dedicated to working with him through this.  His counselor is amazing and has put up with me asking a zillion questions with such love and grace.  I have come to pick Charlie up from a session to find both him and his counselor teary-eyed together but often playing a game too.  Sorrow and joy, always both together, that is life.  It is just so hard for my heart to know my children have felt such pain and loss in their lives.  If I could somehow take the pain for them, I would in a heartbeat.  Watching them struggle on their journeys is so much harder than my own journey often is.  So please keep Katherine and Charlie in your prayers, and especially my little Charlie man these next few months as he so bravely keeps returning to his counselor sessions to put in the hard work of grieving.  In my GriefShare group we called it “grief work” because it is so completely exhausting - mentally, physically, and emotionally - to pull up each emotion, fully feel it, and then put it into a healthy and truthful perspective.  I see the exhaustion on Charlie’s face.  Oh, I see it and it hurts my heart, but also makes me so proud of him.  The process, however, is so, so important.  So please pray protection over Charlie’s tender heart as he does his grief work, talks about difficult things that bring such sorrow and tears, and bravely learns the steps to sorting through those emotions in healthy and truthful ways.  

May God, our loving Father, bless and protect the precious hearts of my children, strengthen them in the most difficult of their sorrows, gently guide them to peace, truth, understanding, and joy, and comfort them through that arduous process with His abundantly loving presence. Amen. 

Veterans Day 2017 🐑 🏈

For Veterans Day 2017, Charlie and I were invited to attend the NFL Los Angeles Rams “Salute to Service” game against the Houston Texans.  Through the amazing TAPS organization Charlie was paired up with a player from the LA Rams who played Sunday’s game in Ryan’s memory, with Ryan’s initials on his helmet during the game.

On the Saturday before the game, we came to observe a special Rams practice where each family got to meet the player who was playing in their loved one’s memory.  Charlie was matched with Tanzel Smart #92, a super sweet rookie just drafted to the NFL from Louisiana.  He took the time to talk to Charlie about football, about Ryan, about his own family, and he told Charlie how much he appreciated him.  It was so sweet and really touched my heart to see this huge player bending down and giving my little guy a tender bear hug.  After the practice Charlie was given a matching helmet with Ryan’s initials on it that Tanzel Smart autographed for him.  And Tanzel also gave Char his practice gloves to keep.  I do not have any pictures from the pre-game day practice itself, as apparently professional football is VERY serious business and cameras were not allowed during practice in case we were actually Texan spies recording plays, but I did take plenty before and after the practice itself.  ;)   Charlie found this especially amusing and pointed out two Texas license plates in the parking lot of the practice field afterwards.  He is convinced that they were the vehicles of Texan spies... If so, luckily the spies were not very successful, as you will see from how the game went on Sunday... ;)

On Sunday, game day, we arrived at the LA Coliseum and were part of the pre-game torch lighting ceremony.  Neither Charlie nor I had ever been to a professional sporting event so it was awesome site to see the huge stadium, watch the players be announced, and be down near the field during the excitement!  After the pregame show, we were escorted to a suite where all the TAPS families got to watch the game together and eat yummy food.  Did I mention how amazing the TAPS organization is??  They completely spoil us with such awesome, well-organized events where we are able to remember and recognize our loved ones that have passed away.

Charlie actually surprised me by how excited he was about the whole football game!  He has seen a few games on TV (he is a huge Broncos fan) and he has played flag football with Scouts, but he usually loses interest after a quarter or so.  But maybe something about hearing the roar of the fans cheering in the stadium, watching the big Jumbotron TV thing, or just the excitement of so many energetic others packed together and surrounding us that Charlie was completely captivated!  The Rams were the first to score with a field goal but when Texas pulled ahead with a touchdown, I saw my little guy’s spirits sink.  I realized it would be really, really helpful to me if the Rams could pull out a win for Charlie...  and goodness, they did!  During the third quarter, they scored three touchdowns back-to-back and the stadium went wild!  And my little boy did too.  He looked at me during the fourth quarter and said, “Mom, I know the Texans don’t stand a chance to win at this point but I have to see how this ends!”  So we, of course, stayed to the end and celebrated the final score of 33-7!   

It was a precious day of some one-on-one mommy-son time and in memory of Ryan, acknowledging his sacrifice and honoring his memory.  Side note - Kate chose not to attend because sports, and especially football, are just “not her thing” but she did tune in on TV for a bit and seemed interested to hear Charlie tell her about his weekend.  And I can not think of a more rewarding way to have spent Veterans Day this year.  

Below are a few precious pictures of Ryan teaching Charlie how to play football a few years ago (probably fall of 2013) and a few pictures from our weekend with the Rams.

Charlie and Daddy, Bolling AFB, 2013 

Before the game

Charlie and Tanzel Smart

T

Littlest Rams fan 🐑 🏈 

Intent on watching the field

Charlie and Daddy, Bolling AFB, 2013

prayer request

I just wanted to ask for extra prayers this week.  I feel like I am at a vulnerable and new place right now, with a lot of decisions to make about my future that I am fearful about making.  

Two weeks ago I was at my first week long residency for the Renovare program (the second of the four will be in February) and it was such an amazing week.  I arrived at the residency full of anxiety over a new situation, new people, and a keen sense of being far outside of my comfort zone.  But I left at the end of that week full of hope, joy, and, surprising to me, a sense of healing.  During that week away from my “normal life,” I realized I am not only ready for more, I want more.  I want more than just keeping on keeping on.  Sixteen months ago Ryan had told me he wanted me to live for me.  For sixteen months I have been living for my children and existing because I have had no choice but to exist.  And that is not to say that I have not experienced moments of joy or fulfillment in the midst of all that.  But I have felt largely “lost,” for lack of a better word.  My life had been planned out (in my own head) for at least the next ten years and then Ryan’s unexpected death took those plans and dumped them out upside down all around me.  I have been living in the shadow of that heap of scattered plans and shattered dreams, wondering if or how I could ever want to “plan” again.  I have had hope, knowing that new plans and new paths would at some point open up for me, but I have been mostly waiting.  And waiting has been extremely important because healing needed to happen in that sacred space.  

But here, now, I find myself actually looking at my future for the first time in a new light.  New opportunities are opening up to me and I know I can not let fear be my decision maker.  But I feel like I have forgotten how to make wise decisions, or even just decisions at all.  It is easier to stay put where I am, but God often wants to move us up and out to something better.  Please pray for my heart and mind this week as I discern what that process looks like for me, facing the decisions and opportunities that are before me.  I know the decisions are mine to make but my prayer is that God transform my heart into the kind of person who makes decisions the way Jesus would, rooted in God’s love and power and peace. 

Phil 4:6-7 “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known unto God and the peace of God which passes all understanding shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus our Lord."

Psalm 29:11 “He will give strength & peace”

Psalm 85:8 “I will hear what God will speak... and He will speak peace”

Isaiah 26:3 “He will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on Him”

Jeremiah 29:11 “His thoughts of us is for good, not for evil...for peace”

John 14:27 “Not to be afraid”

Romans 15:13 “To abound in hope”

1 Corinthians 14:33 “He is NOT the author of Confusion”

birthday kitten

I would like to introduce the newest edition to the Sweeney family... our new kitten (name tbd).  

There is a little bit of a story behind the adoption of this little guy, beyond just my complete lack of self control around adorable baby animals...  I swear Ryan was the voice of reason in our marriage; without him, I need to find a way to curb the urge to collect every furbaby or I may very likely become the crazy cat lady...  But the story behind this new guy... Back in October 2001, not too long after Ryan and I were married, Ryan got a kitten for me for my birthday.  Ryan had never particularly been an animal lover and he did not grow up in a house full of pets like I did, so him purchasing this kitten for me was really an act of love.  I can still I picture him looking at me and sighing, saying, “won’t a cat just claw up everything? Why do we need a cat?”  Being newly married and living in an apartment, we had talked about getting a dog but we were both working and we knew a dog would be too much responsibility for us.  And I really, really wanted a pet...  So for my birthday my sweet Ryan picked out an adorable little calico kitten for me, our precious Dana.  Here is the link to my post from October of last year, where I shared pictures of Dana over the years: Dana - October 2016 link

Side note: Truth be told, our actual first pet was a fish (one of those cool-looking fighting fishes with feathery blue fins) and the poor thing died in less than 24 hours.  We had not even named the fish before we found it belly up the next morning, so we had this running joke for years that his name was Weebit because he had only lived a wee bit.

So October 2001, Ryan picked out our tiny Dana kitten for me.  She was our first baby (sorry Weebit).  Dana eventually developed kidney disease and hyperthyroidism and she died this past October (October 26, 2016) at the age of 15.  

And actually I have to throw in another side note in here because this is a funny memory that I want to preserve... So my birthday in 2001 was on a Saturday and we adopted Dana from one of those adoption fairs at the Shreveport animal shelter early that Saturday morning.  By Sunday morning Dana had developed a kennel cough so bad she could barely lift her tiny head and she was not eating.  Ryan and I debated taking her to the weekend emergency vet clinic, but on a newlywed budget we realized we really needed to pray she would be okay and wait until we could go to the regular vet on Monday morning.  I remember Ryan staying up most of the night holding that tiny kitten, who was barely the size of a roll of socks, and being so concerned for her.  Dana did obviously recover and live a full life.  The following week that year though, I found out I was pregnant and expecting our precious Katherine Grace, who was born July 2002.  So our running joke throughout our marriage was that we tried to take care of a fish, but it died.  So we decided to adopt a cat instead - the cat almost almost died.  So we thought, let’s just have a kid and see how that works out!  It worked out well though, our precious Katherine survived our early years of figuring out the whole caregiving and parent thing...  

So now fast forward to 2017 and it is October and it is my birthday again and my sister lets me know that the local animal shelter has kittens... One of them looks a little bit like Dana and it was born the same week Dana had been born.  I remember how much Ryan absolutely loved his little Dana.  He would sit there and pet her and as she got old and frail, I remember him saying that Dana was not allowed to die.  And he actually looked up if a pet could be cloned so we would always have our Dana!  We joked that the clone would be named Dina.  Those sweet memories stick with me, and I mentioned how I have zero willpower around adorable baby Kitanimals, right??  So this new kitten is in memory of Dana.  

I was actually away at my school program residency during my birthday this year but when my sister was texting me picture of the kittens at the shelter, I gave her permission to go see if the one I liked was available.  And of course when I got home from my residency, my children were delighted to introduce me to my new kitten!  It must be a family genetic predisposition to obtain all things cute and furry though because my sister adopted the brother of my kitten as well.  These two kitten brothers are so adorable when we get them together to play.  Our puppy, Ollie, just adores his new little feline brother.  Our older cats, Sammy and Jake, have differing reactions.  Sammy is just cranky and avoids our other pets in general, preferring to sleep and eat in peace.  However, Jake, our orange stray cat from Washington DC, adores the kitten and watches over him and plays with him.  And the animals in our house bring smiles and joy as the children and I watch their crazy antics.  I can just picture Ryan both adoring the new kitten (the closest I could come to our idea about a Dana clone) but also probably shaking his head, smiling with amusement and confusion, as he thinks that someone needs to stop Jen’s obsession with baby animal collecting... 

New kitten and Ollie

Kitten brothers 

Weight of Glory

C.S. Lewis preached this sermon in the Church of St Mary the Virgin, Oxford, on June 8, 1942.  It is amazing and worth the time to read the nine pages (probably several times over).  It goes with Dallas Willard’s assertion that we are indeed “unceasing spiritual beings with an eternal destiny in God’s great universe.”

Weight of Glory by C.S. Lewis

what is the gospel?

“In the Gospels… ‘the gospel’ is the good news of the presence and availability of life in the kingdom, now and forever, through reliance on Jesus the Anointed.”  - Dallas Willard in the Divine Conspiracy.

I absolutely LOVE this description that Willard gives for “the gospel” as the presence and availability of God’s kingdom, here and now, on earth, in our presence condition and in our present life.  I think it is the most accurate description I have heard for defining the gospel because it meets the fundamental need we as humans so deeply and intrinsically crave for love, for connection, and for relationship.  And the description gives us a person to rely on in order to step into and grasp the reality of that good news.  What a loving God that his Kingdom is available to us - the same one that has always existed in the form of Trinitarian relationship, was available to Jesus on earth, was embodied by Jesus, and is now provided for us out of the Trinity’s abundant love!  The idea of all that comforts my soul and my longings in the deepest way possible.  This definition is so hopeful and life-giving and brings a new meaning to the words “repent and believe the good news!”  Where the word “repent” simply means “turn around.”  It is like God is saying, “I am right here, as close the air around you, just turn around.  Turn around, see me, believe in me, no strings attached, and all this great love I possess will be showered upon you because it is for you!”

I also find it curious but important to note that Willard explains how the gospel is available, but not forced.  The individual human heart is a place where God’s will is currently permitted to be absent.  God’s kingdom pervades and governs the whole physical universe surrounding us and yet the parts of our planet earth that are occupied by humans, deep within our human hearts, can be slightly excepted from this governance for a while if we choose not to embrace, or do not understand, what is being offered to us to actually embrace.  I am just reminded each time I read Willard’s description how much every person needs to hear the simple but powerful message that God is available to them - now, abundantly, lovingly, and powerfully.  Understanding this as the good news of the gospel is what lets us turn around and base our lives on the “remarkable new opportunity” Willard teaches us about.  What joy!

Caravaggio's "Calling of Saint Matthew"