LA seminar

The kids and I were at the Southern California Regional TAPS Seminar in Los Angeles this past weekend.  The kids attended Good Grief Camp again, which is always a blessing to me as I see these kids come together and bond and heal and work through hard stuff together, while mentors and counselors love and care for them in a fun environment.  While the kids were at camp, I attended several seminars and sharing groups over the weekend.  At the last seminar I was trained as a peer mentor, so this seminar was a little different for me.  Instead of being poured into, I was able to do some pouring into others.  I pray I was a source of hope and light for them in some way.  But truly, these ladies, so raw and tender with new grief, blessed me.  Allowing me to hug them and listen to their stories was a blessing to me.  I could immediately relate to them and go right back to those completely overwhelming feelings of mine from two years ago.  But I could also see and and sense the distance I now have.  It felt good to be reminded of where I was so I can see with more clarity where I currently am.  And I am grateful.  So those sweet ladies, carrying the burdens of grief that are just too heavy to be carried alone really blessed me by sharing their grief with me.
And at the end of today, I was in my last seminar group before packing up to drive home and the topic was on choosing gratitude.  Part of that session we were given 10 minutes to write about what we are thankful for.  I immediately thought about summertime and how it was my favorite season until Ryan’s death.  Ryan died just a few days into the summer of 2016 and then that whole summer was the worst season of my entire life.  Then last summer I really just tentatively accepted that summer might be okay and tried to enjoy the sunshine, but I know my heart did not fully embrace the season.  But this summer I have decided to purposefully change my perspective on the season.  By changing how I decide to look at things, I can redeem them.  The summer of 2016 will always be a horrific season for me but this summer, and future summers, do not have to be sorrowful.  Summer can be my favorite season again.
Below is what I wrote during our 10 minutes of writing time and then I was asked by one of the other mentors to be brave enough to share my words with the group.  Several teared up and thanked me for my words, but really it is me that is thankful for them.  We bless each other when we walk together on the journey.

I am thankful for summertime, time with my kids to explore and travel and adventure and do new things together.  I am thankful for the healing warmth of the sunshine and time outdoors, the roar of ocean waves, the smell of saltwater and sunscreen, the sight of exhausted kids sleeping after a day of joyful play.  A season of play after the darkness and heaviness of winter.  I am thankful for love and life and light and new beginnings.  I am thankful for the return of joy again; joy so longed after and so craved for.  I am thankful for the loss of fear, fear that the sunshine and the joy may never emerge again.  
But they did emerge.  And they continue to emerge.  
And so I bask in summertime’s light and warmth, as they embrace me.