Widowhood sucks. It’s like a state of sorrow you can never ever escape from and when you think you’ve found joy, grief knocks you back down harder than before. Some of you know I started dating someone back in June. We parted ways for awhile in th fall and it was a very slow road for me to trust and give my heart away. I worked so very hard the year prior to get myself to a good place before having anything to be able to give another. Somehow I did find the courage to not just give love again, but begin to hope for the first time since Ryan’s death and to plan a future. I was brave enough to finally share that excitement with a lot of you in December. Then this morning, completely unexpectedly, he ended the relationship. It has sent me reeling in shockwaves. I won’t share details but if this could happen, I absolutely know in my mind that it’s the right thing for us to go separate ways. But my heart is going to be so much slower to catch up. I feel emotionally knocked back to the midst of my grief and loss from two summers ago all over again. No one prepared me for what kind of emotions could resurface in a breakup. And even though I know it is for the best, I still can barely breathe. My body does not want to sleep or eat, choosing to stay in that panic mode I had hoped would never overtake me again. It feels like Ryan dying all over again as I have to let go of the plans and future I thought I had. I am left wondering why? Why, God, would I go through more loss? Why would I have to repeat the steps of grief that I had worked so hard to journey through? Why would this pain be so disproportionately large, compared to the short length of our relationship? It does not even make sense. There must be some plan and some reason God allowed this. And I have to trust it is a good plan. I do trust it is a good plan. I trust there is a lesson and a healing in this. I just can’t see it yet... Right now all I see is the loneliness setting in again in a deep and painful way. Please pray for my bruised and battered heart this weekend, that God comfort it, as only He can. Please be patient with me as I retreat from the world for a bit to grieve and heal. If you reach out, please know how much I love you. And if don’t get back to you, please don’t take it personally, sometimes just taking the next breathe is exhausting enough. I pray for God’s presence to be a lasting joy that floods into the children and I’s life again, abundantly. And above all else, please, God, do not let this pain cause a root of bitterness to grow inside me, but instead use my broken heart for good and to love again bravely, if it be your will.
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