conquering fears

So I conquered some pretty big fears this past week and I want to remember that feeling, so I thought I would attempt to write about it...

 

The kids and I drove down to San Diego last weekend. Having just returned from our big trip to Washington DC only about two weeks ago, we then turned around and headed out on this road trip, about 5 1/2 hours south of home.  I had some anxiety about the trip for several reasons: 1. Driving in new cities makes me nervous - and San Diego is new to me.  2. I have never stayed in a hotel without another adult (with kids only) and that idea made me nervous.  3. I was so busy the week before our trip (with all of Kate's ballet rehearsals and performances) that I didn't plan our trip ahead of time - and spontaneous trips make me nervous. 

 

But despite my fears, we headed out because Charlie was signed up for the TAPS SoCal Good Grief Camp Out that week and he was one very excited boy about going to that camp!  I was not about to let my personal fears keep him from that opportunity.  So we went - and we had an amazing time in San Diego!

 

The first fear I had to conquer was stopping at the Gaviota rest stop on the drive down.  It is the only bathroom stop (or really the only stop) between Buellton and Santa Barbara - and inevitably a child needed to stop...  The parking lot of that rest stop is where I was when I realized Ryan was no longer alive.  I had pulled over there to talk to the commander on the phone (I had been on my way to the Santa Barbara Airport to fly back to Ryan in Texas when the commander called) and I knew from the man's voice that Ryan was not okay.  I also knew I could only be told in person that Ryan was dead (that is how the military does it), so when he could not tell me over the phone if Ryan was okay and he told me to turn around and go be with my family until they could send someone to me, I knew.  I knew and my world fell apart right there at that stupid rest stop.  Shock and fear and the darkest moments of my life began right there, sitting in my car at that horrible rest stop.  I used to tear up and cry or tense up with such fear just driving through the Gaviota Pass - it is what we refer to as a "grief trigger."  Slowly it got easier and I remember the day when I could finally drive through that area without it really affecting me.  But I kind of told myself I would never ever pull into that rest stop parking lot ever again.  I guess I thought a painful sorrow or a fall into that horrible pit of despair that seems too deep to crawl back out of would happen if I did.  But, alas, a child needed to potty, and so we stopped.  And it was okay.  It really was okay.  We parked, used said bathroom, and continued on our way and I realized that that fear is gone now.  I am not going to let some random parking lot control my emotions or fill me with anxiety.  So that was a fear I unexpectedly conquered as we left on our trip. 

 

And actually if I back up a little bit to a few days before our road trip, I made it through another fear or grief trigger last week.  I had gone hiking with a friend and got poison oak SO bad on both of my arms and legs.  I was pretty miserable.  But the worst was that the rash broke out even in between my fingers and I had to take my rings off.  For those of you close to me, you may have noticed I took my weddings rings off sometime before Thanksgiving of last year.  I debated (and cried many tears) over what or when or if I would ever take my wedding rings off.  But really the decision came down to the fact that I was exhausted from everyone I met asking me about my husband.  Having moved to California, the first thing most people would ask is if we were military and what my husband did.  I got so tired from having to explain myself over and over again to everyone from the eye doctor to the mailman to the dryer repairman that I decided to take my wedding rings off just to try to curb some of the questioning.  Last fall I was still so heavy in grief that I just needed a break from telling my story to every single person.  I had isolated myself from a lot of people and those I was brave enough to be around, I really just wanted them to just let me pretend to be normal, even if I didn't feel I was.  So taking off my wedding rings did help stop a little bit of others assuming it was okay to ask about my husband.  But what I did at that time was put Ryan's wedding band on my right hand (his ring fit my right but not my left), along with my anniversary band.  I figured it was my way of carrying Ryan with me but without the exhaustion of wearing my wedding rings when, as much as I hated it, I am not married anymore.  But with the poison oak, I had to remove all rings last week to deal with the itchy rash and for some reason, having to go ringless was kind of scary.  I guess I realized though that I hold onto Ryan in my heart and treasure our 15 years of marriage, regardless of whether I have a symbol of that love on either of my hands.  I don't yet know what I will do when the poison oak does clear up (it takes a few weeks, ugh!), but whatever feels right in regards to rings will be the right thing to do... 

 

The next fear I conquered was just taking a vacation type trip alone with the kids in general, especially to a new area.  We always took road trips together as a family and although I would help navigate, I always felt a sense of security knowing that Ryan had such an innate sense of direction.  There was a huge fear knowing that security net was not there for me this time.  But armed with my gps, I realized I can do this myself.  I could navigate Los Angeles freeways, watch for traffic and adjust my route, and find my way to and around the San Diego area.  I realized I know the Southern California area better than I thought I did and that I have experience from learning DC or San Antonio or Pensacola to draw from.  So I made the drive down, found the marine base where Charlie caught his bus to camp, and I found the hotel I had booked.  Kate and I checked into the hotel for a "girls week" while Charlie was at camp and I felt both a sense of accomplishment for having done all of that and a huge sense of thankfulness to God for making all of our travels so smooth.

 

Letting Charlie leave for three nights, away from me, was another big milestone.  Charlie had never been away from me overnight, except when he had been Cub Scout camping - and even then he had always been with either his daddy or his uncle.  So putting my little man on a bus with strangers was really, really difficult for me!  Okay, they were not random strangers - they were the sweet, caring, and amazing staff members of the TAPS organization, but still they were not people I knew well individually...  So I worried at drop off.  A lot.  And then I realized I needed to give this to God and let it go.  Seeing Charlie so excited to go on this adventure helped me to let go and trust that my Heavenly Father would watch over my little boy those three days, just as He was watching over me down there in San Diego.

Kate and I spent our "girl days" together visiting Coronado Island, going to the beach, shopping, exploring, and we went to the movies to see Wonder Woman.  I actually left the movie feeling even more empowered, like a warrior, for conquering so many of my fears.  Ephesians 6:13-18 come to mind!  "Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.  Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.  In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.  Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.  And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the Lord’s people."  I had put on my armor of God this week, was praying in the Spirit, and I was not going to let the enemy's fears, doubts, or sorrows get in my way!

One final grief trigger I will mention that I overcame last week was eating an In'n'Out burger.  I know that may sound odd...  But I happen to know that Ryan's last meal was at In'n'Out (the one in San Antonio, Texas) and so for the last year I have been unable to even think about eating there.  Even driving past the restaurant, which was always a favorite of Ryan and mine, made me feel queasy.  But while we were down South, Kate was being picky one evening about what to eat and then said she really felt like having an In'n'Out grilled cheese (yes, I know it is weird that she does not eat hamburgers... but she loves her grilled cheeses).  There was one near where we were staying and I was really too exhausted that evening to come up with another dinner plan, so that is where we went.  And, again, it was okay.  We ordered our burgers (or one burger and one grilled cheese), took them back to the hotel, and actually a friend called me on the phone while I was eating and that distracted me enough that I did not even fully realize what I was eating until I was almost done with the burger.  And it was okay.  Again, I am not going to let these little fears control me.  I have been slowly chipping away and getting rid of the grief triggers that a year ago would have completely paralyzed me in fear or sorrow.  The pain of missing Ryan will always remain, but as the grief triggers are slowly rooted out, what gets left behind are the sweet and happy memories that I cling to.  And there is a sadness that surrounds those memories, knowing they are just that - memories.  But the raw and intense pain of being ambushed by a grief trigger begins to lift.  It is like the pain "softens" over time - it is still completely there and I suspect always, always will be, but it does not control me or paralyze me very often anymore.  It is almost hard to explain - I would never ever tell someone fresh in their grief that over time their grief will lessen or that time heals those wounds.  I do not think either of those statements are true.  But what is true is that you learn to live with the grief and that sorrow becomes a familiar part of you.  You begin to stop fearing the sadness and you embrace it and that softens the intensity of it all.  And God is SO good to comfort us through that beautiful process.

Another realization I had last week was that I love being around people.  I am by nature extremely introverted and I absolutely need my quiet time and my alone time to recharge.  Daily.  But I also love to be around others.  I am always so blessed by friendships and relationships.  I had not planned to do anything other than hang out with my daughter while Charlie was at camp, but while we were down in Southern California a couple of friends I had not seen in years contacted me and asked if we could meet up, even just for a quick hug and to catch up.  I had spent the most of the last half of 2016 pretty much avoiding as many people as I could because my emotions were so raw and I was just too exhausted  and scared to try to interact with others.  Then I spent the first half of 2017 slowly stepping out and making new friends in our new home here in California.  And I have been SO blessed by those friendships that I realized I do not want to "hermit" in my grief anymore.  In fact I want real, authentic relationships with those around me - being brave enough to be myself, ugly grief and scars and all, because that is where we bless each other.  So I met up with these precious ladies I went to high school with and was so blessed by our time catching up together!  And I also got together with one of my most precious friends from Washington DC that is now stationed in California.  Our daughters are BFFs and seeing the two girls reunited and giggling together just makes my heart so happy every time.  I think spending time with each of these friends this past weekend just reinforced to me what my heart was already telling me - I love spending time with others and listening to others' stories and sharing my heart with others.  I am so blessed by the presence of friends and so incredibly thankful for those precious souls that God has placed in my life.  Life is just too short for me to spend it worrying about whether I am "ready" to interact with others or whether I am too "exhausted" to make the effort to be around others.  I have a newfound confidence that God wants us to be real and authentic and involved in each other's lives.  I think we truly bless each other when we are brave enough to do that.

 

Coronado Island Beach

Charlie returning from camp