wedding memories

Last night Charlie had a clarinet concert in San Luis Obispo (he has three concerts every year, so this was his March concert).  My sister and I took Kate and Charlie to the concert this time.  Driving home from SLO, we passed by the gorgeous place overlooking the ocean where my sister and her husband were married in 2008.  Charlie and I drive by it every week going to clarinet practice, but last night as we drove by with my sister we started talking about the wedding almost ten years ago.  Weddings are such joyous events so it was fun to recall those memories!  At that time, Ryan and I were living in Florida, Kate had just turned six years old, and Charlie had just turned two years old.  Ryan and I had flown out to California with the kids for the wedding preparations and the wedding itself that summer.  And as we drove home last night, my sister and the kids and I talked about how fun that day was, and we ended up talking about Ryan.  

I realized today that the conversation last night really was one of the first times I think since Ryan’s death that we all talked about him without an awkward pause, a silent sadness, or the looking around to see if anyone was struggling with the conversation.  I was actually driving so I could not make eye contact with my kids, but I heard both of their voices and I heard laughter and I heard joy and it was in the midst of a conversation talking about Ryan.  That is a big turning point for all of us.  It had been baby steps over the last 20 months to get to that place.  And honestly it is something I had hopefully anticipated but did not know if we would get there.  

I say I hopefully anticipated this because the closest situation I can think of to grieving the death of a loved one was the “mini griefs” my children experienced every time we moved.  When we tearfully left Florida, we had to focus on the positives in DC to emotionally survive the move.  And I remember we did not talk much about Florida for a few months after the move because it was just too painful.  And then after some space and time, we could talk about our friends and adventures and memories of Florida with gladness, instead of just sorrow.  But it took some settling in in DC and some time to allow that to happen.  And it repeated when we tearfully left DC for Texas.  I could not even look at pictures of DC or spend much time in thought about the friends and places we left behind without extreme sorrow.  But, again, a softening happened as I met new friends in Texas and allowed some time.  Eventually I could look back at DC with joy.  And so seeing that “pattern” I kind of rebought maybe at some point, maybe, even if years away, we would be able to talk about Ryan with something besides the sorrow and pain of his absence.  I really hoped we would someday be able to remember him with gladness.  And while we certainly are not there, the little conversation last night was a hopeful window for me into what maybe could be - an aching sorrow of missing, but mixed with the joy and gratitude of remembering.

I want to remember the memories and I was surprised that Kate had a few six year old memories of that day and she shared them - she was the flower girl.  And I talked about how since Kate and I were actually  in the wedding, Ryan was fully in charge of two-year old Charlie, making sure his curious self did not get into anything, run down the aisle after his mom or sister, or wander off during the ceremony.  I remember Ryan asking how he could help and I remember telling him something about just wrangling the two-year old would be job enough.  I told him even if you miss the ceremony, just make sure Charlie does not ruin anything.  Charlie, of course, was too young then to have any memories of that day, but he has seen pictures and he thought that was pretty funny last night.

Another memory I have is when my sister and her husband left the ceremony after getting married, they left to Star Wars music playing.  I remember Ryan leaning over and saying “I didn’t even know that was an option, because I totally would have done that!”  And I laughed and apologized, I didn’t know either, lol.  It was fun telling Kate and Charlie that memory and tfalking about weddings.  And apparently Ryan signed “Anakin Skywalker” in my sister and her husband’s guest book.  My sister told me that last night and I either never knew that or had totally forgotten that!  But that is so totally something Ryan would have done!  And I love, love, love getting any new information about Ryan.  The kids thought it was funny too. 

I think I have realized that when random memories of Ryan pop up, I want to talk about them and then record them (probably here on this blog) so that Kate and Charlie can keep hearing these stories and then come back and read them when they are older.  So I may just record those random things here as they bubble up in my memory.  Going through these memories is not me trying to move backward, or being “stuck” in my grief, but it is actually a celebrating and a remembering that brings joy.  I have been able to grasp that and cling to it in small doses, but I think last night really was one of the first times the three of us (and my sister along too) really embraced the sharing of memories with Ryan all together.  It made my heart happy. And below are just a ton of pictures from that precious day because I could not pick just one or two.  I am amazed that my sister and her husband’s two boys, my nephews, are now older than Kate and Charlie were in these pictures.  It seems like forever since my kids were this small, but this day also seems so recent to me.  Time is such a weird thing, going so extremely fast and so excruciatingly slow all at the same time.  

flower girl 

This picture of my dad, Ryan, & Charlie is literally one of my favorites

  

 

 

 

 

 

They are both SO tiny!

  

 

  

 

💕 

 

You can see how tired they both were by the end of the day

 

Kate with her aunt & soon-to-be uncle
 These pics below are the night before, rehearsal dinner 

 

 

 

  

While I am writing and thinking about weddings, I just remembered something one of my instructors shared last week about the story of Jesus at the wedding feast in Cana that was especially poignant to me.  A random observations but I wanted to share it.  My instructor mentioned how it had to have been such an act of faith for the servants at the wedding feast to fill those wine jugs with water.  I had never thought about the story from that perspective.  We always think about the miracle itself of the water turning into wine, but before the miracle could take place, Jesus gave what probably seemed like pretty absurd instructions.  He asked the servants to take those big heavy wine jugs, lug them to the town well, draw the water, fill the jugs, and then lug them, heavier now, back to the wedding, without a word of explanation.  Not only would it have made no sense to them, it was also hard work.  And we see Mary there, alongside Jesus, watching this scene, also with no additional information or knowledge - but with a solid faith in the one giving the instructions - and she urges the servants to “just do whatever he says,” even if it makes no logical sense.  You do not serve water at a wedding feast, and certainly not from wine jugs!  But without Mary’s encouragement and the faithful action of those servants, the miracle would never have happened.  I wonder how many times in my life God is urging me to “just go put water in the jugs, Jen” and I argue with him, “but why? It makes no sense... it’s going to be hard... I don’t understand how or why... maybe I didn’t hear you right, God, because water doesn’t go in wine jugs...” and on and on I go, doubting and wanting to know and understand before taking any step of action.  And the whole time God is just whispering, “put water in the jugs, Jen, trust me, put water in the jugs so the miracle can happen...”.