dream

I woke up the other morning with very specific memories from a very vivid dream about Ryan.  I do not usually remember my dreams and it has been a very long time since I had a dream about Ryan, so this really threw me off that whole day, as I was trying to process my thoughts and emotions.  I have been struggling lately to find my joy again.  The last few weeks I have felt lost and even kind of hopeless or numb, like I am going through the motions of my life - the chores, the cooking, the yardwork, the kids’ activities, etc - but I am not fully present to it, I am just existing, not living.  And I have been praying that God help me get back on track again, to know my own belovedness to Him who created me and for that to help me find my purpose again.  

Then the dream...  I woke up and I remember in my dream I was going about my day when Ryan just walks in the door, saying that he is back.  I responded by saying that he would never believe what happened while he was gone!  I told him the military told me he had died.  He said that was so crazy and I went on to tell him it was so insanely crazy, but that they even sent officers in uniform to the door to deliver the news to me, just like in the movies.  And we had a funeral for him and everything.  We then had a whole conversation, laughing about the insaneness of it all and about all that had happened in the past year and a half that he was away.  It felt so comfortable and normal to be having that “conversation” with Ryan, like that was just my normal life.  Goodness, how I miss that life!

Then my alarm clock went off and I woke up to realize that what felt like my normal, comfortable, wonderful life was actually just my dream and that my actual real life is the insanely, unbelievably complicated reality.  I don’t feel like I am living my life lately, I feel like it is too outlandish to be my story.  But this life is where I am at (I think, right??).  And so I went about my day just thinking about it all.  But amazingly I ended up settling in a place of comfort.  I was of course quite sad to wake up and realize that Ryan is indeed dead and the craziness is real. But at the same time, I was SO comforted by having had a “conversation” with Ryan.  I needed that.  I needed to have some time to “talk” to him and if that has to only happen in a dream, I will take it.  So I am grateful that I remembered this dream so vividly, and in so much detail.  It is like a little window to heaven for me, that God would let me have some time to just be comforted in such a way.

And after coming to the place of comfort and gratitude, my week and my attitude improved.  I have been stressing about Katherine’s education the past few weeks.  A lot.  That poor child has been in several different academic programs over the last few years and I know she craves and needs stability.  I had thought I had her high school years all worked out this past fall with a wonderful program, but then the program director’s husband needed to relocate and mid-year of her freshman year, Katherine’s program fell apart.  I found out right at Christmas and have spent the last month trying to put together the second half of her 9th grade year myself.  That on top of my roller coaster of emotions has been a huge stressor. 

But then Katherine surprised me and said she thinks she just wants to attend public high school for the rest of her years, so that it’s the same all the way through.  We always asked our kids every summer what they prefer and they always firmly said homeschooling.  So this threw me for a loop!  I began looking into the local public school here in our neighborhood and I saw Katherine’s interest increase.  A long story short, but due to California’s insanely strict credit rules, Katherine will start public school on Monday next week!  She will only go half time there and do the other half on independent study at home for the rest of this year.  And then she can attend full-time next year (or continue with half and half is she chooses).  It all happened very quickly this past week. 

I was stressing about all these school rules and CA credits and whether to stop homeschooling her after 10 years of homeschool (10 years!!), but then I had that dream with Ryan.  And the next day I pictured sitting down and talking to him about Katherine’s education, like we so often did.  Usually I would stress and research every curriculum, co-op, and homeschool opportunity available to our kids and then share it all with Ryan.  And he would very calmly say, “This is what we should do.”  And I would fret and research some more and ask him again.  And he would always reassure me what he felt was best.  And he was always just spot on, knowing our kids and being rational about what they needed.  And I pictured him this week calming saying, “Jen, if she really wants to do public school, let’s make that happen and support her in it.”  And I then stressed over the credit chaos situation but I pictured Ryan again saying how it would come together, just be patient.

And somehow it did come together and Katherine seems excited (as much as a fifteen year old shows excitement...) about starting next week.  And I know that providing her some consistent stability, listening to what she wants for her education, and then just being there to support her is exactly right.  She is such a good kid.  I know others have expressed concern for how my sheltered homeschool kid is going to handle high school, but I feel pretty confident that Katherine knows to let her light shine in any darkness she encounters and not to let darkness dim her light.  And that is my prayer for her in this new adventure going forward. (And I also pray for my tenderhearted Charlie, who seems more anxious than his sister about her.  He is such a protector.)

So I find myself still in this messy, complicated, crazy life, full of stories that don’t seem to be mine but I also have this odd sense of peace and even joy.  I can’t even explain where it comes from right now, other than God is comforting me in very tangible and real ways.  I went through the second half of this week just feeling “content” and it has been such a very welcome emotion after the chaos of my grief lately.  It is almost disconcerting how strong my sense of inner peace feels right now because I feel like I have done nothing to gain it and my outside world is not providing it.  So I am just thankful.  I am very thankful for the “time” I got to spend with Ryan earlier this week and for God just soothing my wounded heart in ways only He can.  The joy of the Lord is my strength.