Wednesday, February 28, 2018

on God’s communication with us

Excerpts from Dallas Willard’s “Hearing God,” chapter four:

Our preexisting ideas and assumptions are what actually determine what we can see, hear or otherwise observe.  Our beliefs and opinions cannot be changed by stories and miraculous events alone.  
Successful prayer could not come from resentment and darkness and unhappiness, as a pipeline can be clogged with roots and dirt.
Witnessing God’s specific interventions in our lives - whether to guide us, speak to us or perform saving deeds on our behalf - does not automatically clear up our confusions or straighten out the entanglements of our hearts.  They may stimulate us to seek understanding; but they do not of themselves give us faith and understanding.  Our understanding must grow before we can have any significant appreciation of what we are experiencing on occasions when God intervenes in our lives. 

God in ordinary places

Earth’s crammed with Heaven,
and every common bush afire with God,
but only he who sees takes off his shoes.
- Elizabeth Barrett Browning
Hearing God

Moses

Monday, February 26, 2018

beauty

I am just returning home from a week away at my second residency - like literally just got home an hour ago from a midnight flight and I know I really need to sleep.  But my heart is overwhelmed and although I’m physically exhausted, sleep is being held off as I recollect my week. My heart is SO full from the experiences I had, I hardly have words.  I will write more after I have processed it all.  But for now, here is a song that touched my heart deeply this week as I was surrounded by beauty in every direction - beauty in forest walks, beauty in frozen lakes, beauty in snow gently falling, beauty in God’s sweet presence, beauty in conversations, beauty in others walking this path alongside me, beauty in tears, beauty in laughter, beauty in play, beauty in worship, beauty in thankful gratitude for the generous glimpses of eternity that we are gifted with on this side of heaven.

A beautiful song:
Why Do We Hunger for Beauty?

Sumas, WA Renovare
View from my room at the residency
Lyrics:
Dark are the branches reaching for light
High is the path of the hawk in its flight
Turning and gliding greeting the night
Why do we hunger for beauty?
Moon hanging lonely there in the sky
Looking so holy; a host held up high
Off in the distance train going by
Why does it move us cause us to sigh
Why do we hunger for beauty?
Frost on the window never the same
So many patterns fit in the frame
Captured in motion frozen in flame
And in the patterns is there a Name
Why do we hunger for beauty?
Why do we hunger for beauty?

Sunday, February 25, 2018

faithfullness

Great is Thy faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness
Morning by morning new mercies I see
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me.
Westmont College hymn
Cedar Springs Center in Sumas, WA

Tuesday, February 13, 2018

residencies

Last October I spent a week in Santa Barbara for my first semester residency with the Renovare Institute.  It was an absolutely amazing week at a beautiful retreat center in the Montecito hills overlooking the ocean.  The retreat center was right near Westmont College, where I attended for my bachelors degree, so that whole area brings back the most precious memories of my college years.  I loved my time living and learning in Santa Barbara, both during college and again this past October for my first residency.

This past December that retreat center and Westmont College were threatened by powerful Thomas Fire, the largest wildfire in California’s state history, but thankfully both campuses survived mostly unscathed.  In January, however, that gorgeous retreat center was absolutely devastated by the mudslides that swept through the Montecito area of Santa Barbara.  When I saw the pictures of the destruction at that location where I stayed last October - a place that is so dear to my heart - my heart was deeply grieved.  I have such precious memories of that week long residency there - all the learning I was blessed to be a part of and the amazing connections I made with other students and staff there.  The classrooms I learned in are now just gone, only foundations left under a sea of mud.  The chapel that I prayed and praised in was filled with mud and debris up to a person’s neck.  The dining hall I shared meals in, was devastated by a collapsed roof, crushed under the weight of the muddy debris.  The pool, hiking paths, and gardens where I spent time walking, fellowshipping, and praying by, all are filled in, covered, or gone.  

And of course seeing the images of the destruction all around the whole surrounding area, along with hearing the gut wrenching stories of sudden loss and devastation were utterly heartbreaking.  My alma mater campus was, thankfully, spared any destruction, but areas where I worked, shopped, visited, spent time, and called “home” during my college years are now gone or destroyed.  

So I am reminded from all of this that the “things” of earth are but temporary and life often has deep sorrow.  But the growth and experiences and relationships I had, both during my college years and then with my classmates this past October, those are what last.  The knowledge gained, the people who touched our lives, and the changes in our hearts in response are what we take with us.  We can try to cling to the “things” of this earth, but we will only be disappointed time and time again when destruction and sorrow happen.  But the love we receive and give, that only grows despite, and even through, destruction and sorrow on earth.  In fact I think destruction and sorrow can magnify love, if we let it.  Because a broken heart feels more.  A broken heart may feel deep pain but it also feels tremendous joy, neither of which a hardened heart can feel.  A broken heart lets love flow through in a way that a heart walled up in protection cannot feel.  God continually teaches me this lesson, over and over again.  This time with the imagery of a horrific mudslide.  But God’s message to me is always the same, keep your heart tender, vulnerable, and broken wide open, it is the way to live and love.  It is the way of Christ, a God who willingly entered the vulnerable state of the manger and the cross, and yet experienced the greatest joys.  I have said before that sorrow and joy coexist, but I think sorrow can even magnify joy.  When we let ourselves deeply feel the pain of loss and heartache of others, we can then receive the joy of resurrection, being lovingly lifted out of the destruction by a God who loves our souls, the things that last, more deeply and unconditionally than we can even fathom.  All else on earth will eventually fade away, but our souls - the parts of us that store memories, feel feelings, give and receive love, connect with others, and “experience” the world - that part of us was created to be deeply and eternally preserved and loved. 

I share all this now because I am packing and preparing for my second semester residency next week.  Please pray for me next week as I travel.  I will be up in Washington state this time.  And I know God has an amazing week planned.  Please pray for my children as they are with family while I am away.  And please pray that my heart be open wide to the new places, friendships, experiences, and lessons God has in store for me, whatever they may be, however they are given, and with whatever growth God knows I need.  May the experiences of the week transform my heart in ways that are eternal and lasting.

 “The darker the night, the brighter the stars,  The deeper the grief, the closer is God.”  (Dostoyevsky)

La Casa de Maria
I was reading one morning by this fountain when a squirrel came up to take a drink
the precious chapel early in the morning
view from my room at the retreat center 

retreat center 
retreat center gardens 
Santa Barbara 
January 2018
this classroom is gone now
Renovare classmates and staff - October 2017 
the chapel after the mudslide 
map of the retreat center damage 
view of the post-mudslide clean-up efforts
view of the retreat center from the air

Sunday, February 11, 2018

what is the gospel? who am I?

These are a few more research paper notes I wanted to preserve. These two sections, What is the Gospel? and Who am I? follow my January notes here on: Who is God?

What is the Gospel?
            The gospel is the  personal invitation to participate in relationship with God, inside his Kingdom reign here on earth.  I can have confident hope that God is accessible today in every part of my present life through his Kingdom.  God has set aside a place for me to actively partake in the beautiful relationship of the Trinity, both now and forever.  God does not just seek to set up a future Kingdom for eternity, his Kingdom is available now to anyone willing to accept the offer.
In Matthew 3, when Jesus is baptized and ”the heavens were opened to him” (Matt. 3:16), God is announcing that the much anticipated Kingdom has now arrived.  From that point forward, we live in a time in which the Kingdom of God is available.  God does not need to give further laws or speak through prophets because he has now offered direct availability to himself.  The good news of the gospel is that participation in the Trinitarian relationship is presently open.  “The rule of God is now accessible to everyone.  Review your plans for living and base your life on this remarkable new opportunity.” (9)  The door has been swung wide open and God is asking me to join the Father, Son, and Spirit in their fellowship.
In Jesus, God has provided a very personal summons and a living example of what it is means to participate in the Kingdom.  “The reality of God’s rule, and all of the instrumentalities it involves, is present in action and available with and through the person of Jesus.” (9)  And I can enter that Kingdom by just wanting it and partaking, without even having all my beliefs correct, because I am God’s beloved creation.  “Personal need and confidence in Jesus permits any person to blunder right into God’s realm.” (9)  God delights in my action of engaging in his divine nature as his child and his friend, because relationship with him is what he created me for.  I was made as a place for God to reside and God “is restoring people to a state akin to the original sharing in the life of the Trinity that humankind lost through the Fall.” (1)  When God extends the invitation to share the fellowship of his Kingdom, he has in mind a loving and active fellowship with me.
            This offer to participate is the most abundantly generous and limitless invitation that exists.  Never has there been more hopeful words than to hear “You were meant to house the fullness of God.” (7)  And I am invited with such unearned grace that the offer can seem quite perplexing, as God extends this extravagant invitation to all, even the wicked and the ungrateful. (10)  This strikes “at the heart of the problem we have with grace: we don’t like it.  It seems unfair, but in reality it is perfectly fair.  God is gracious to all.” (7)  He makes his sun rise on the evil and on the good” (Matt. 5:45).  God wants to reveal the belovedness of all his children, as he sees his creation, so that “from this place of inner security we may invest ourselves in… helping others discover how beloved they are.” (2)  The hope of the gospel invitation is meant to be shared.
This offer is radically tenderhearted because it originates from a self-sacrificing God who invites me, a sinner, to enter the fellowship of his abundant and holy love.  But with that pure and unconditional love, there also has to come the hate of my sin because a God who is righteous will stand against the evil that damages my soul.  “The dominant narrative of the Bible is a story of unearned grace, of a God whose love is not thwarted by human sinfulness, and of a Christ who dies for sinners.” (7)  The good news is that God never gives up and his will is to always be unconditionally loving me and hating my sin, simultaneously.
            I can trust a God who is infinitely personal and know he will accomplish his will.  When I accept the invitation to join my life with God, receiving the kind of life that flows in Jesus, the world becomes a safe place to dwell.  Pain, hardship, and grief still exist, but it all becomes bearable as I understand that my good and beautiful God gets the last word..  Jesus made a point of saying that if I rely on him I will never experience death.  I “will never see death… never taste death.” (John 8:51-52)  “The good news is that the destructive spiritual forces have already been defeated decisively.  So no matter how costly or painful the present contest, connected with the conquering Christ we shall ultimately overcome.” (2)  I am a treasure of God and I am a creation that will not cease to exist.  So are all those who love God and allow his love in return.  “He delights in them and intends to hold onto them.  He has even prepared for them an individualized eternal work in his vast universe.” (9)
            So as I think on my own life and make plans for it, in view of the message of the gospel, I realize my present hope is also a future hope.  I will not have to go through some terrible and final event called death but, instead, I have an assurance that my familiar life never ceases.  “God will preserve every one of his treasured friends in the wholeness of their personal experience precisely because he treasures them in that form… In fact, at ‘physical’ death we become conscious and enjoy a richness of experience we have never known before.” (9)  God values me, just as I am and as he created me to be, and God takes delight in seeing me embrace the gospel message to enter the triune fellowship that spreads into all of eternity.
Who am I?
            As I fully embrace who I am, I have confidence in eternity because I was created for the purpose of receiving God’s unearned love and entering into his joyous, creative works now and unceasingly.  A relational, self-sacrificial, and holy God brought forth creation to partake in the loving relationship of the Trinity.  And I have an inherent longing for the good and beautiful Kingdom life that God says I am worthy to participate in.  When I can allow myself to willingly enter this Kingdom fellowship of the triune God, I am daily being transformed into a more natural form of my eternal self. 
            I am God’s beloved.  As a ceaseless spiritual being, I long for his love because “it is the nature of the soul to need” and to let divine love sink deep into my heart. (6)  “We do not want merely to see beauty…We want something else which can hardly be put into words – to be united with the beauty we see, to pass into it, to receive it into ourselves, to bathe in it, to become part of it.” (4)  Because I was created for the purpose of participating in a Kingdom of beauty, my soul will not be satisfied with anything less.  And yet I am a hesitant being; I am so often overly cautious, guarded, and timid about accepting this seemingly incomprehensible offer.  “We prefer to be wanted, warmly wanted, before we reveal our souls.” (9)
            Author Trevor Hudson, however, states we should seek full confidence in both our belovedness and God’s nearness in any circumstance, knowing that even the most awful of sins will not stop God from extending his love.  “Only then can we embark on the perilous inward journey… secure in the knowledge that nothing we uncover can render us unlovable to God.” (2)  I desperately need to be intentional in placing myself in a position to experience God’s Kingdom if I am ever to align my beliefs with his truth.  Author Gregg A. Ten Elshof states that, “no one has any trouble acting out their beliefs” but I recognize that my beliefs so often guide me incorrectly or give undue pause, if I do not let God reveal to me how he sees me. (8) 
And so I continually place myself inside the Kingdom to be directed where to go and what to do.  Just as we have seen that God is tenderhearted, he created my heart to be tender as well.  Living inside the Kingdom of God keeps my heart open to God’s teachings and transformation.  A hard heart may not feel pain, but it also will not feel joy.  And a hard heart is not teachable.  But God knows this and understands this; it is how he knit me together in my mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13).  And through the gospel message, God meets me exactly where I am at and he leads me forward in a transformative relationship with him.  God brings me to have the mind of Jesus, but in my way that is unique and individual to me and my personality.
He teaches slowly in parables so that I can chew on the message, think on the words, and let it become a part of who I am, instead of just handed to me.  “When we open the Bible and begin to read slowly and listen for God, the Spirit illumines our mind and gives us a direct word from God.” (7)  He teaches me in a way distinctive to the time and place I am currently in.  God knows that I need different messages at different times in order for them to sink deep into my heart or for the messages to mean anything to me.  This process takes time.  So he patiently teaches me, reminding me to stay gentle, open, and receptive.  “God does show himself from time to time in the space of those who seek him.” (9)
            As a person who truly wants to experience God’s Kingdom, and all the joy associated with it, I have to learn to embrace my true self.  God works through what we consider natural processes and so he “appears in the quiet whisper of our Spirit-guided memories, thoughts, and feelings.” (5)  The transformation happening in my soul is a stripping away of the things that are not actually ‘me’ as God helps me understand the most natural form of myself.  “The arm of the Lord revealed is a person who understands.” (10)  Dallas Willard explained this process as taking little steps to trust so that I can learn who I am.  He also cautions that despairing who I am is the greatest barrier to understanding and receiving the Kingdom.
            The answer to most of my life problems can simply be found in that I do not look to find God present.  “To see God in what we think, do, and feel – in life with family, friends, colleagues, and casual acquaintances, in our busyness and our rest” is where I find my true identity, united with God in an active and fulfilling relationship." (5)  A sense of joy, peace, and contentment exists for those who are faithfully and honestly seeking to love God, serve him, and enter into work with him.  And that leads to the question Dallas Willard proposes, “What will my life be like when I find the Kingdom?” (10)  When my soul is restored to the true intent of what a human was created for, my life will be one in which I am participating by authority and power in the Kingdom. 
            By acknowledging the loving nature of the altogether good triune God and accepting the hope of the gospel, I expect to increase my need for participation in the Kingdom community.  “Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord find our desires, not too strong, but too weak.” (4)  May I go forward in life now seeking to live under the rule of the Kingdom of God, reconsidering and constantly readjusting my strategy for living so as to always stay in tune with God’s will.  May I stay actively connected within the loving relationship of the Trinity, living with the same tenderhearted vulnerability that God consistently demonstrates to me, and acting with obedience to the One who I trust to fiercely and persistently work for my eternal benefit and joy.  May my life be used by the loving and holy God as a way to share his gospel message of hope here on earth and then to enter into the joyous creative works of all eternity afterwards.  It is what God created me for, and that I know very well (Psalm 139:14).

Sources:
1) Fairbairn, Donald. Life in the Trinity; An Introduction to Theology with the Help of the Church Fathers. Downers Grove: InnerVarsity Press, 2009.
2) Hudson, Trevor. Discovering Our Spiritual Identity: Practices for God’s Beloved. Downers Grove: InnerVarsity Press, 2010.
3) Johnson, Darrell W.. Experiencing the Trinity. Vancouver: Regent College Publishing, 2002.
4) Lewis, C.S.. “The Weight of Glory.” Sermon for Church of St. Mary the Virgin, Oxford, June 8, 1942.
5) Manney, Jim. A Simple Life-changing Prayer. Chicago: Loyola Press, 2011.
6) Ortberg, John. Soul Keeping: Caring for the Most Important Part of You. Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 2014.
7) Smith, James Bryan. The Good and Beautiful God: Falling in Love with the God Jesus Knows. Downers Grove: InnerVarsity Press, 2009.
8) Ten Elshof, Gregg A. I Told Me So. Grand Rapids: Williams B. Eerdmans Publishing Company, 2009.
9) Willard, Dallas. The Divine Conspiracy: Rediscovering our Hidden Life in God. San Francisco: Harper Collins, 1997.
10) Willard, Dallas. “The Kingdom of God.” Teaching series for Hollywood Presbyterian Church, Hollywood, March – April, 1990.
gospel message

dallas willard

Saturday, February 10, 2018

little chef

I mentioned awhile back that I was working on being more consistent with cooking and preparing meals, and that I was going to enlist Charlie’s help in the kitchen.  And I have gotten a bit better about cooking, but Charlie - that kid has really taken to baking lately!   He has been pouring through cookbooks, giving me grocery lists, and then baking up a storm.  And he has made some really yummy things, including a key lime pie, a pink lemonade pie, potato soup, brownies, and the most perfect chocolate chip cookies - all from scratch.  And I know he is thinking of his dad while he is baking.  Ryan would be so incredibly proud of Charlie, his little mini-me.  Honestly it is a little difficult sometimes for me to walk into the kitchen and see flour on the counters, the sink full of spoons and bowls, and like every kitchen utensil we own out and used.  Not because of the mess itself, but because it reminds me of exactly what the kitchen would look like when Ryan would bake.  There was always a mess afterwards, but honestly I never really was bothered by the mess because Ryan used to say that baking was a stress relief and that something productive came out of it.  I have to wonder if Charlie is merely copying what he saw his daddy do, or if he feels the same way, letting his stress melt away as he bakes?  Either way, I am doing my best to just help clean up the baking storm aftermath and compliment my little chef on his treats because what he has been creating is indeed very yummy and impressive.  I am sure he enjoys getting compliments from usually quite critical (but sweet-toothed) sister and extended family members on his baked goods.  I think this new hobby, however, is largely a way to connect to his dad, bring back some of the comforts foods of when Ryan baked, and to process some of his grief.  And Kate keeps asking what he is going to make next; I think she finds comfort in it too.  Either way, I am very proud of Charlie for finding a new hobby, working hard, and finding a productive way to connect to his dad.  He is making his mama and dad in heaven very proud. 
Perfect cookies
perfect chocolate chip cookies πŸͺ  
Little chef
pink lemonade pie (wearing daddy’s dog tags)

little chef πŸ‘¨‍🍳 
this was the most delicious key lime pie ever! πŸ˜‹ 
chocolate chip cheesecake 
Super bowl snacks
Charlie made this chocolate cake from scratch & his sister decorated it for Super Bowl Sunday 🏈 
spaghetti and meatballs, all from scratch 🍝   
Spaghetti and meatballs
cooking πŸ‘¨‍🍳 ♥️  
 
apple pie from scratch 🍎 πŸ₯§ 
♥️ πŸ‘¨‍🍳 

Friday, February 2, 2018

dream

I woke up the other morning with very specific memories from a very vivid dream about Ryan.  I do not usually remember my dreams and it has been a very long time since I had a dream about Ryan, so this really threw me off that whole day, as I was trying to process my thoughts and emotions.  I have been struggling lately to find my joy again.  The last few weeks I have felt lost and even kind of hopeless or numb, like I am going through the motions of my life - the chores, the cooking, the yardwork, the kids’ activities, etc - but I am not fully present to it, I am just existing, not living.  And I have been praying that God help me get back on track again, to know my own belovedness to Him who created me and for that to help me find my purpose again.  


Then the dream...  I woke up and I remember in my dream I was going about my day when Ryan just walks in the door, saying that he is back.  I responded by saying that he would never believe what happened while he was gone!  I told him the military told me he had died.  He said that was so crazy and I went on to tell him it was so insanely crazy, but that they even sent officers in uniform to the door to deliver the news to me, just like in the movies.  And we had a funeral for him and everything.  We then had a whole conversation, laughing about the insaneness of it all and about all that had happened in the past year and a half that he was away.  It felt so comfortable and normal to be having that “conversation” with Ryan, like that was just my normal life.  Goodness, how I miss that life!

Then my alarm clock went off and I woke up to realize that what felt like my normal, comfortable, wonderful life was actually just my dream and that my actual real life is the insanely, unbelievably complicated reality.  I don’t feel like I am living my life lately, I feel like it is too outlandish to be my story.  But this life is where I am at (I think, right??).  And so I went about my day just thinking about it all.  But amazingly I ended up settling in a place of comfort.  I was of course quite sad to wake up and realize that Ryan is indeed dead and the craziness is real. But at the same time, I was SO comforted by having had a “conversation” with Ryan.  I needed that.  I needed to have some time to “talk” to him and if that has to only happen in a dream, I will take it.  So I am grateful that I remembered this dream so vividly, and in so much detail.  It is like a little window to heaven for me, that God would let me have some time to just be comforted in such a way.

And after coming to the place of comfort and gratitude, my week and my attitude improved.  I have been stressing about Katherine’s education the past few weeks.  A lot.  That poor child has been in several different academic programs over the last few years and I know she craves and needs stability.  I had thought I had her high school years all worked out this past fall with a wonderful program, but then the program director’s husband needed to relocate and mid-year of her freshman year, Katherine’s program fell apart.  I found out right at Christmas and have spent the last month trying to put together the second half of her 9th grade year myself.  That on top of my roller coaster of emotions has been a huge stressor. 

But then Katherine surprised me and said she thinks she just wants to attend public high school for the rest of her years, so that it’s the same all the way through.  We always asked our kids every summer what they prefer and they always firmly said homeschooling.  So this threw me for a loop!  I began looking into the local public school here in our neighborhood and I saw Katherine’s interest increase.  A long story short, but due to California’s insanely strict credit rules, Katherine will start public school on Monday next week!  She will only go half time there and do the other half on independent study at home for the rest of this year.  And then she can attend full-time next year (or continue with half and half is she chooses).  It all happened very quickly this past week. 

I was stressing about all these school rules and CA credits and whether to stop homeschooling her after 10 years of homeschool (10 years!!), but then I had that dream with Ryan.  And the next day I pictured sitting down and talking to him about Katherine’s education, like we so often did.  Usually I would stress and research every curriculum, co-op, and homeschool opportunity available to our kids and then share it all with Ryan.  And he would very calmly say, “This is what we should do.”  And I would fret and research some more and ask him again.  And he would always reassure me what he felt was best.  And he was always just spot on, knowing our kids and being rational about what they needed.  And I pictured him this week calming saying, “Jen, if she really wants to do public school, let’s make that happen and support her in it.”  And I then stressed over the credit chaos situation but I pictured Ryan again saying how it would come together, just be patient.

And somehow it did come together and Katherine seems excited (as much as a fifteen year old shows excitement...) about starting next week.  And I know that providing her some consistent stability, listening to what she wants for her education, and then just being there to support her is exactly right.  She is such a good kid.  I know others have expressed concern for how my sheltered homeschool kid is going to handle high school, but I feel pretty confident that Katherine knows to let her light shine in any darkness she encounters and not to let darkness dim her light.  And that is my prayer for her in this new adventure going forward. (And I also pray for my tenderhearted Charlie, who seems more anxious than his sister about her.  He is such a protector.)

So I find myself still in this messy, complicated, crazy life, full of stories that don’t seem to be mine but I also have this odd sense of peace and even joy.  I can’t even explain where it comes from right now, other than God is comforting me in very tangible and real ways.  I went through the second half of this week just feeling “content” and it has been such a very welcome emotion after the chaos of my grief lately.  It is almost disconcerting how strong my sense of inner peace feels right now because I feel like I have done nothing to gain it and my outside world is not providing it.  So I am just thankful.  I am very thankful for the “time” I got to spend with Ryan earlier this week and for God just soothing my wounded heart in ways only He can.  The joy of the Lord is my strength.