Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day.  Throughout the years, this day used to bother Ryan because so many people would thank him for his service on Memorial Day, confusing Veterans Day with Memorial Day.  He would kindly explain that Veterans Day would be the day to thank him, but that Memorial Day belongs to those heroes who paid the ultimate price for our freedom - their lives.  This past summer I received the paperwork that stated how my Ryan died what the Air Force categorizes as a "service-related death."  And so this year I appropriately recognize Ryan for the first time on Memorial Day (and also on Veterans Day, as both would be appropriate now).  I would give anything to hear him explain again how this day was not for him, but instead we honor him and his sacrifice and we mourn the fact that he fought hard but did not win the battle for life.  The children and I are back in Washington DC this weekend, with our amazing TAPS family, remembering and celebrating the life of our precious hero.  Here a are few random pictures of Ryan serving over the years that make me smile.  :)

Kate had crawled up on stage during Daddy's promotion ceremony

Family Photo 2003



Graduating from ALS - he won the academic award

I love this pic of Charlie laughing as Daddy threw a snowball

a mosque outside of Baghdad, Iraq

Baghdad, Iraq, 2011



White House event, 2014



at a White House event together







it is what it is

I know I have shared a few of these podcasts recently but I absolutely love love love this interview with Judy Villanueva and am bursting to share it with you all!  Her description of how God speaks to her is EXACTLY how God speaks to me and I just have never been able to put that into words like she so beautifully and simply does here.  I found myself nodding in agreement and could relate to everything she was saying in this interview - the consent to allow God to let His goodness pass by us in ordinary and beautiful things all day long, the struggle to "stay in the conversation" as life happens, the idea of staying present in the reality of this moment right now, and even (or especially!) her remark about how she will bristle at or turn away when people come right at her face-to-face with God's Word, so God instead approaches her with a gentle hug from behind.  This is so much a glimpse of my heart and her response to a gentle, patient God is so much my experience.  It reminds me of a book called "The Allure of Gentleness" and I just love how our God is so gentle and patient and loving in His communication with us.  I could keep rambling on, but instead I will let the 31 minutes of this podcast do the talking, it's beautiful.  Enjoy!

Link: It Is What It Is

the gorgeous view God painted for me from a hike last weekend

broken pieces

May and June are a maze of "special days" to navigate through.  May brought what would have been our 16th anniversary and Ryan's 40th birthday, with Mother's Day squeezed in between.  Then we have Memorial Day weekend approaching, followed by Father's Day and the one year anniversary of Ryan's death.  I have heard some people call it their "angelversary" or some other cutesy term, but I have not decided if I like that idea yet.  For now I will just call it June 24th.  There is a part of me that can not believe Ryan has been gone almost a year already - and then the other part of me looks at where I was a year ago and all that has happened and can not believe it has only been a year...  

As I was reflecting on that idea this past week, I realized that it was sometime during, or right after, the winter holidays that I started to kind of slowly re-join life.  The children too (probably because they seem to have followed my example through this grief journey).  This past Friday evening I was at Charlie's STEM expo (science fair) and I watched him excitedly run around the auditorium with the boys he built his project with, checking out each experiment and goofing around like 10 year old boys do.  Then one of the girls from Katherine's ballet class found her and called her over, so she went to go chat with her friend, smiling and talking.  And I stood there by myself in the middle of that busy, noisy, chaotic auditorium and just praised God.  I was watching my kids being pure kids again  - smiling, laughing, interacting, and enjoying new friendships.  There was always a special joy that came after every military move we made when I would see my resilient children settle in and chose to make the new place their "home."  A special joy from seeing them embrace their new situation and commit to new friendships.  It was a special joy and a settling in that I was afraid might not happen this time.  In fact a year ago, I could not picture or imagine that for them - and that is very painful for a mama's heart to go through.  I think my sister came by the STEM expo as I was observing all this and I grabbed her arm and squealed at her, "They have FRIENDS!  Like real actual friends!"  And then shortly after a couple of homeschool parents came over to me and I found myself also laughing and talking with them.  And I realized - I have friends!  I never thought I would be "normal" again or be able to make new friends again - because a part of me died last summer and would never be the same.

I am not the same person I was before at all.  A mentor of mine had said something to me several months ago that really stuck with me.  She said something about me living and existing like a timid little kitten inside a dark cage (of depression and grief) and that often when that scared little animal discovers the freedom of breaking out of that cage, they run around and embrace their freedom with a sense of awe and joy.  It did not make a lot of sense to me at the time she shared that story with me, but I think that metaphor describes what my soul feels like on the inside this spring!  I have finally been able to actively join the homeschool group here and get to know the sweet other moms.  I kind of attempted last fall and winter but I was too timid to really get to know anyone.  Once I got past the very scary part of being vulnerable enough to share my story with them though, I was able to make some sweet new friendships.  And to be honest, some deep friendships from having shared my vulnerabilities and thus opening the door for others to share their sorrows and aches and stories with me.  One other parent shared with me how his dad had attempted suicide and how that affected their family - it touched my heart deeply.  Another parent shared about her abusive mother.  These are stories that let us really get to know and pray for each other, instead of having a superficial interest in each other's well being.  The last few Tuesdays (homeschool park and pool day), I have found myself sitting back in that familiar and comfortable place of talking with other mamas about our children, comparing curriculum (cause we homeschool mamas LOVE to talk about curriculum!), and fellowshipping with these dear sweet women God has introduced into my life in this season.   It is such a familiar and comfortable place for me - and a place I never ever thought I would be able to return to.  And at the same time I have had this freedom of embracing the idea that my life is not the same, it will never be, but I can find confidence and hope in that.

And it is not that I do not miss Ryan terribly each and every day or that I do not wish with every bone in my body that he would just somehow come back.  I would give anything to have him walk through that door right now.   But in order to survive the sadness, the overwhelming and all-consuming sadness, I have had to search for the joy or find those tiny slivers of happiness and cling to them with everything I have - and sometimes that joy has just simply smiling at or blessing others.  That joy has been lounging in a pool chair connecting with other mamas.  It has been deciding not to make dinner just because I don't feel like it that night.  It has been jumping in the car & taking the kids to the beach on a whim.  It was the noisy chaos of a science fair.  It was spending the whole day gardening because that was what I wanted to do that day, or it was the little bird out singing in the yard, just singing for no other reason than just the sake of singing.  Just random little things that bring joy - I am so thankful for each and every little one of them.

There is still a loneliness deep inside but finally being brave enough to attempt friendships has helped so much. Having my sister & her family just down the street has helped so much.  Being connected with my precious church family has helped so much.  God is SO good to have blessed me with each of these.  And this past winter I applied for a two-year program in spiritual formation and just found out this past week that God has seen fit to bless me with one of the 45 spots for the fall.  It will be a lot of work but I am so excited to see what doors and opportunities God opens through that program.  I am excited to see how He continues to grow me and shape me and remind me of the joy and beauty He has surrounded me with.  I watched helplessly as my life shattered to pieces last summer and then God has spent a year using those broken pieces to make a new creation.  And I think allowing Him to do that honors Ryan - depression and death do not get the final word here.  They do not win.  God is making all things new - even me and my future.  And goodness, I have fought Him on it, I have cried tears over wanting the old me back, it has hurt and been unbearably painful, but ultimately my joy is found in realizing how each of those broken pieces are being repurposed by the One who knows my heart and loves me more deeply than I know. 

40th

Today would have been Ryan's 40th birthday.  I remember last year thinking I need to plan something big for this milestone birthday and even stressing a little bit about the perfect way to celebrate it.  Never ever did I guess I would not get that chance to plan and celebrate - and what I wouldn't give to have had the stress of planning his 40th birthday.
I explained to Kate and Charlie that we don't really have birthday parties for those in heaven by that we would, instead, have a "Daddy Day," where we eat Daddy's favorite treats, do some of those things Ryan enjoyed, and just remember Daddy.
We had lunch with Ryan's mom and brother yesterday - the kids love time with their grandma and uncle.  Then we went to the cemetery for a bit - the kids haven't been since last fall.  When I asked if they wanted to go, Kate shook her head no but Charlie said "sure."  So we went and once there, even Kate got out of the car and came over with Charlie and I.  Charlie choked up and cried big elephant tears.  Kate was very quiet.  It hurts so badly to see your children in pain.  I just held Charlie and thanked God that my children can release their grief.  Crying is the way God gave us to release the emotions that are too much to handle.  Jesus even gives us that example when He weeps for his dear friend and again the night before His arrest.  What a wonderful God to demonstrate to us how to grieve and release.  After the cemetery, we went to See's Candy and picked out all of Daddy's favorite chocolates.  The kids were smiling and delighted.  I love how children can grieve intensely and then have joy intensely.  Again, a beautiful example of how God encourages us to approach life - with a childlike faith and trust.  Grief, release, and joy.
Below are a few pictures from Ryan's 30th birthday.  They were taken in Colorado.  Charlie was just an infant and Kate 4 years old at the time.  I can not believe that was 10 years ago!  So today we remember all the sweet memories and love our Ryan with a joy and thanksgiving for the precious years we had together, until we get to see him in heaven.  Love you, Ryan.

springtime podcast

So I was listening to this podcast as I drove through Southern Californis traffic this past weekend to go visit some very precious friends of ours and I listened to the podcast again tonight.  And I wanted to share this one because I was just absolutely delighted by Richella Pathan.  The way she speaks about everything from flowers and nature to writing and creativity to the Holy Spirit and the mystery of the Trinity just made me smile and nod in complete agreement.  It's like her bubbly personality is exactly what's in my heart and she was speaking words I would say.  I have wanted to sit down and write (type) my thoughts for awhile now, especially thoughts about Easter and springtime this year, but I have just not had the time.  I literally have been so busy that I fall into bed at night exhausted.  I may just need to block out some "quiet time" on my calendar because I find regular, peaceful quiet times to pray and write are so life-giving.  But in the mean time, I have enjoyed hearing someone else give words to a lot of my current thoughts.  I am praying that I get to meet this sweet lady at one of the Renovare seminars, because she seems to have that ray of sunshine personality that draws me in and shows a true joy of the Lord.  Here is the 35 minute podcast interview:

Incarnation, Creativity, and the Divine Dance of the Trinity

May 8th

Today is May 8th - sixteen years ago Ryan and I said "I do" to each other by a beautiful little waterfall. In 2001 I was 21 and he was 23, we were such babies at the time! I have never regretted any moment of our time together, even now. I wouldn't trade the pain of missing him for the time we did have together because God knew the number of Ryan's days before he was even born and the fact that a large portion of those days were shared with me was a gift I will forever be thankful for. I am sure I will get asked today "how are you doing?" and the answer is "I am okay."  I hesitate to answer that question most of the time because the answer is so so much more complicated than the three words of "I am okay." The real answer? Here are my thoughts on that:

"I am okay and I am finding joy in my life again. My tender heart feels and appreciates happiness and joy and laughter - and craves it! - because I know what it feels not to have those emotions. And, yes, this is one of those 'difficult' days but I am truly okay with it. The most difficult part is usually answering that question to others. When they ask me and I smile and I say 'I am good and God is good' there is often this puzzled or sad look I get from others like they are trying to figure out why I am smiling. And then I am usually struck with guilt over not appearing appropriately somber enough or teary eyed enough and feel like I have to suddenly 'appear sad' for them...  But really today I do smile and I talk about my wonderful Ryan joyfully. I have been somber and teary-eyed too long and it is exhausting. Very exhausting. So today I remember our marriage with a smile because I was so very happy being married. And if you ask how I am doing, I will say 'I am okay' because now, in this moment, I am okay. I knew our anniversary was approaching, I mentally prepared for it, I have others checking in on me today, and I had a healthy mindset going into today. These 'milestone' days aren't always the most difficult ones. The most difficult days are the ordinary days, where I haven not prepared myself and something sneaks up on me that I was not expecting - that song that comes unexpectedly on the radio, that airman in uniform passing by with rolled up sleeves, the wife complaining about something annoying her husband does & you miss that annoying habit with everything in you, or that nosy person at church who leans over and asks, 'how come you never bring your husband to church with you?' - those moments I can not possibly mentally prepare for and do not see coming, those are the more difficult ones. Those are the ones where I smile the best I can while my heart breaks all over again in the inside and I fight my tear ducts from completely overflowing in public. But today, this anniversary of when we said 'I do' and 'until death do we part,' that is a day that I smile - a genuine smile and not the false facade of holding it together. Because I have those precious memories of the years God gave me to hold onto until we are reunited in heaven. How can I not smile and be thankful for that kind of love and joy? So now, in this moment, I am okay."