40th

Today would have been Ryan's 40th birthday.  I remember last year thinking I need to plan something big for this milestone birthday and even stressing a little bit about the perfect way to celebrate it.  Never ever did I guess I would not get that chance to plan and celebrate - and what I wouldn't give to have had the stress of planning his 40th birthday.
I explained to Kate and Charlie that we don't really have birthday parties for those in heaven by that we would, instead, have a "Daddy Day," where we eat Daddy's favorite treats, do some of those things Ryan enjoyed, and just remember Daddy.
We had lunch with Ryan's mom and brother yesterday - the kids love time with their grandma and uncle.  Then we went to the cemetery for a bit - the kids haven't been since last fall.  When I asked if they wanted to go, Kate shook her head no but Charlie said "sure."  So we went and once there, even Kate got out of the car and came over with Charlie and I.  Charlie choked up and cried big elephant tears.  Kate was very quiet.  It hurts so badly to see your children in pain.  I just held Charlie and thanked God that my children can release their grief.  Crying is the way God gave us to release the emotions that are too much to handle.  Jesus even gives us that example when He weeps for his dear friend and again the night before His arrest.  What a wonderful God to demonstrate to us how to grieve and release.  After the cemetery, we went to See's Candy and picked out all of Daddy's favorite chocolates.  The kids were smiling and delighted.  I love how children can grieve intensely and then have joy intensely.  Again, a beautiful example of how God encourages us to approach life - with a childlike faith and trust.  Grief, release, and joy.
Below are a few pictures from Ryan's 30th birthday.  They were taken in Colorado.  Charlie was just an infant and Kate 4 years old at the time.  I can not believe that was 10 years ago!  So today we remember all the sweet memories and love our Ryan with a joy and thanksgiving for the precious years we had together, until we get to see him in heaven.  Love you, Ryan.