spring

Today was the first day of spring.  I love spring - it is when the days start getting longer and the "heaviness" of winter begins to let up.  Although, living in California now, I am not sure winter is as "wintery" as it was in a lot of other places we have lived...  But for me the best part of spring is that the plants all start to put on vibrant shows of color and demonstrate new life, reminding us that God has been at work through every season, even when we do not readily see Him.  He has been protecting and growing the plants, preparing them to bloom forth and declare His glory.  I think if we had the cheerful splendor of spring available to us 365 days per year, we would probably take it for granted.  But having a season of dormancy allows us to see new life bloom again and it is a cause for celebration.  That is how my heart feels about spring. 

The other thought I have as I realize spring has arrived is that the last time I saw my Ryan was in spring.  I last saw him in June 10th, 2016, at the Santa Maria Airport, as I hugged and kissed him good-bye.  It was just days before the beginning of summer, but it was still spring.  And now that spring has creeped up again, I can not believe how long it has been since Ryan died, but I also can not believe how long Ryan has been gone for.  I will probably always look at spring a little differently now.  The Bible verse that comes to mind when I think of spring is Psalm 126:5, "Those who sow in tears, shall reap with shouts of joy!"  The ESV has an exclamation mark in it, just emphasizing that God is good enough to provide a joy we can shout about, even in the midst of tears, or even because of the tears.  This was the Bible verse I clung to during Ryan's deployments.  It reminded me that even though our good-byes were full of tears, each homecoming would be filled with shouts of joys - and it helped me keep my eyes on the homecoming rather than the separation.  It still kind of reminds me of that promise though.  Only know the separation is the separation between heaven and earth - and the homecoming is when I am called home to heaven.  There will be shouts of joy that day.  And I think springtime here on earth is God giving us little glimpses of the splendor that awaits us.

I feel a lot like I have spent the last summer, autumn, and winter doing the hard work of grief.  The hard work of letting myself grieve (versus numbing the pain or stuffing it inside or ignoring it).  Healing means working hard to let God carry us THROUGH the grief.  "Even though I walk THROUGH the valley..." (not around or over or under the valley, not avoiding the valley, but going through it).  But now with springtime here, I can see that God makes all things new.  I may not like the idea of embracing the new - it may seem scary or lonely or just uncomfortably unfamiliar, but I know I can trust God to comfort me and carry me forward, and that is reason to be thankful and joyful.  Springtime is kind of like seeing a sunlit meadow at the end of the valley we have been going through.

My backyard garden is like a living example of God's promises.  I spent a lot of hours outside this past winter cutting back existing vegetation, planting round bulbs deep into the ground, preparing the soil, uprooting the destructive weeds, and just getting the outdoors ready for spring.  I did not really even do the hard gardening work with the idea of being rewarded for it, I just knew the sunlight and physical exercise was good for my soul.  A few hours digging and pulling and planting in the sunshine helped with stress relief, aided in sleeping better at night, it allowed a release for emotions, and just let me get some good ole' healing vitamin D.  But then, to my surprise, my spirits were lifted by watching all the new life springing forward.  Each little tender leaf tendril unfolding, each chubby bud bursting open in color, each blade pushing up from it's hidden bulb brought a delight to my soul.  God is good.  His joy can be found all around us.  And He comforts those who mourn.  He rewards those who sow in tears with songs of joy.  Here are a few picture from my garden this week.  I eagerly await the rest of the plants to unfold their blooms in the coming months.  And I can look at each burst of color, with tears in my eyes - tears of sorrow over missing this season with Ryan.  But also tears of joy of knowing that God has something bigger, even more beautiful than spring on earth, in store for those us who believe in His promises and keep our eyes focused on Him.