In the past nine months, I have had three separate military wives contact me in concern, and even sheer panic, worried about their husbands' lives. I could hear the worry in their words as they described a battle against depression and suicidal thoughts, but also a fear of not knowing what to do. I am both honored that anyone would feel comfortable sharing their heart with me but also feel a huge sense of responsibility in being given such life-and-death information. My heart hurts and breaks for each of these families feeling such fear, anxiety, and pain. I pray for them urgently and constantly. These precious women who have shared with me are friends I knew at other duty stations. I hesitated to type this post because each woman has been so scared to share their story - but these stories need to be heard!
So I pray that each friend reading this know how BRAVE they are for sharing their heart. I will always protect their privacy and I am SO glad they have shared with me. But I also encourage them to keep speaking because we are never alone and we each need to hear that. I promise to never share names or details without their permission. But I will share the struggle because I wonder how many others are out there worrying and caring the burden of depression or suicidal thoughts and think they are completely alone? How many other military wives are on their knees praying as they watch their beloved husbands hurt and struggle, just like my Ryan did? And how many other military wives have no idea that suicidal thoughts could be lurking just under the surface? I had no idea. And maybe each one thinks no one would understand or no one has gone through this before. And perhaps they think the struggle with depression could not possibly ever get to a suicidal situation. I never, even on the worst days, suspected I would lose my Ryan. Not once.
My prayer is that NO ONE ever go through the pain that the kids and I went through this past year. So I am letting you all know that others have shared with me so that maybe someone reading this will know that they are not alone either. There is ALWAYS hope and ALWAYS help. I am praying for you, as you read this, praying that you know how much I love you (each person reading this) but that even more so, how much God loves you and cares for you. He loves you more intimately than you or I will ever know on this side of heaven.
**I am going to start here by saying that I am NOT a mental health professional and that these words below are completely my own thoughts and opinions. I have read a lot about suicide these past few months in order to understand and present information that I know to be helpful and accurate. But I am not an expert on mental illness in any way.**
First, I want to say that anytime someone trusts you enough to share that they are currently having suicidal thoughts, this is a serious enough situation to take that person to the ER. It the person refuses, it may be beneficial to get a chaplain or other trusted person to come be with your loved one. I personally would avoid calling the police as they are not always well-prepared to deal with a suicidal person and can make it worse, but just my personal opinion. Calling 911 is always an option. But never leave someone alone who has shared this with you. Ryan did not share his thoughts with me (in his mind, to protect me) but if someone does tell you they are suicidal, it is a huge privilege and a huge responsibility that they have trusted you for their immediate help.
Next, when a person shares this information with you, ask them if they have a plan. Ask the details of this plan if they do have one. Talking about their plan won't cause a person to further act on it, but it will give you a way to help your loved one dismantle their plan. And then keep talking with your loved one, encourage them to broaden the circle of those who know about their pain to beyond just you. If you can convince them to share their struggle with just one other person, that is the first step in creating a "circle of support" for that person. The more people that ultimately know that a person struggles with suicidal thoughts, the more people can watch and help prevent any kind of action. It has to be a team effort.
And finally, educate yourself on the signs and symptoms of depression and suicide. For example, I had NO idea that those who are suicidal often appear to be "better" before taking their life. This was true of my Ryan. I had seen Ryan at his worse days, days over the years where he struggled with pain and depression, and my heart hurt for him but I never suspected suicide was ever on his mind. Then the year before, and especially the months leading up to Ryan's death, he appeared to be doing so much better. I truly thought Ryan was healing and doing better. But often a person who has made up their mind to end their life feels a sense of peace and can see "an end to their pain" when they have made that decision. Because I never want anyone to ever go through the shock and pain of my situation, I urge you - if you know anyone struggling with depression, even if it "doesn't seem that bad," please reach out to them. If they seem better to you, realize that the exact opposite may be true. If they are seeming better, it could be because they have made the decision in their mind to end the pain. And don't be shy - reach out and ask them. Are they having suicidal thoughts? If so, what is their plan? Ask with compassion and love, but in a very straightforward way. This is truly a life-and-death situation and you reaching out, you leaving your comfort zone, you asking if they have a plan could be the first steps to saving their life. It sounds scary because it is scary. It is a huge responsibility. But if you were placed in a situation where a person was in a car accident and needed help, most people would do everything they could to rush in and save a life. Mental illness is no different. We must rush in and save the life. My prayer is that each person reading this be equipped with God's strength and compassion towards others.
Here are some resources to have:
Learning how to prevent suicide: http://www.realwarriors.net/family/support/preventsuicide.php
The National Crisis Line is 800-273-8255, dial 1 (this is specific for military members). Family members can also call this number for advice and support. You can also chat with them online at https://www.veteranscrisisline.net/ or text 838255 anytime, 24/7.
Vets4warriors.com 855-838-8255 This is a helpline run by veterans, where you can talk to a peer who will understand. Again, family members can also call for advice and support.
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