prayer please

I am asking for prayers this week.  I have had a huge, debilitating wave of pain completely overwhelm me.  It seems as fresh and raw as it was last summer.  The tears that won't stop, the heartache, even the dreams and nightmares are back.  I am barely eating and only leaving the house for the things I have to.  I find it almost difficult to admit any of this because I was proud of the way I was healing.  Maybe I needed a reality check on my own pride.  Maybe I was not acknowledging the healing buried deep that I still need.  I am not sure.  I know the joy I fought so hard to find is seemingly gone.  And that is followed by a guilt over being a mess when I know my children need their mama to be engaged and to be strong.  And the guilt of knowing I have hurt others as I shut down and regress and stop being fully present for those I truly do love and care for.  I ask that you be patient with me, please don't give up on me.  I need you all to love me when I am at my most unlovable.  And forgive me when I cause pain.  It is not intentional.  They say those hurting, hurt others.  I think this is because when we hurt we deeply crave connection with those we love but also fear more hurt - so we send a mixed, confusing message of come-closer-go-away, mirroring the tug of war in our own hearts.  And then the enemy sees that crack, that vulnerability, and fills us with guilt, because we know our precious friends deserve more but in our weakness we just don't have the strength to give it.  The key is that we don't rely on our own strength - I know I must keep my eyes on Him who is my strong tower when I am at my weakest.  I have somehow lost sight of that this week.  Please pray that I learn again to yield fully to His presence, so He can be my strength.  Maybe my lesson here is that I learn how to extend abundant grace to others after feeling again what it is to hurt so deeply that you can't exude anything but pain.  I don't know if this is the enemy attacking me in my weakness, after thinking I was healing so well.  Or if this is something I need to go through to bring me closer to Him who heals and Him who comforts.  In either case, I feel lost and I lack His peace, which I so desperately have clung to these past six months.