performance weekend

This past weekend was a bittersweet whirlwind of events. I was blessed to see both my children perform.  Charlie played clarinet with the SLO Youth Symphony Cadet Winds at the Cal Poly PAC on Saturday afternoon.  Katherine danced at several shows for the Allan Hancock College Youth Dance Company's Nutcracker production this past week.  Both did an amazing job.  Their performances were beautiful and made me so proud. Their smiles were authentically joyful and that made my heart happy.
This weekend was kind of like an answer to prayer for me.  I have spent hours, days, weeks, months, praying for my children's aching hearts.  No child should know the deep and intense ache of losing a parent.  It is an understatement to say that these past six months have been difficult.  They have been beyond difficult.  Excruciating at times.  My children have gone through transitions that they did not want to make, they have had to rebuild a life and make new friends when sorrow consumed our family, and yet they have worked hard even when their grieving hearts did not always feel like trying,  This weekend they each, somewhat nervously, stood up and shared the results of their hard work with our family, friends, and community.  And their proud smiles after each performance were evidence to me that they are healing.  It makes my mama heart so happy to see them joyfully performing and sharing their God-given gifts with others. Their daddy would be so, so proud of them - their resiliency, their strength, their faith, and their loving hearts learning to heal through the arts that they enjoy so much.
Although this past week was exhausting (the long rehearsals, the miles driving them back and forth, the preparing, the practicing, the late bedtimes, etc..), this past week was also like a little Christmas present to me.  A reminder that although these past six months have been horrific and filled with sorrow, God has been at work in my children's hearts, preparing and healing them.  Perhaps even teaching them the lessons of how sorrow and joy can coexist.  Teaching us that we can all move into this new year, remembering Daddy with sadness but also rejoicing in the goodness of God, as He comforts us, grows us, and does not waste a thing here on earth.  In part of the letters that Ryan left each of the children, he tells them to let go of sadness and anger and to help others, heal, and do good, and that in doing that they will excel at their talents.  How he knew to write those words to the children when he himself was in the deepest pain imaginable is simply amazing to me.  Ryan's wisdom and intelligence and advice always amazed me.  It is one of the things I miss the most.  But I think this weekend Ryan was smiling down from heaven at his two beautiful children, not just because of their performances, but because they are taking his sweet advice and making him so proud.

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