a new year

This past year literally brought me to my knees, trusting in the Lord and His path for my life more than ever before.  I was brought to my knees that day in June that I collapsed, trying to comprehend the news I was just given - Ryan is gone.  Brought to my knees, on freshly laid grass, clutching the flag given to me at the cemetery.  Brought to my knees, praying fervently for healing and for the hearts of my children.  But I am still standing – I am standing and straddling that line – with joy on one side and sorrow on the other.  And if there is anything I have learned this year it is that joy and sorrow are not mutually exclusive.  Extreme grief can indeed coexist with a God-given joy and a hope for the future.

Although this year was easily a horrific nightmare worse than I could ever have imagined and I am still continuing on this unending journey of grief, 2016 also brought some new beginnings.  The beginning of an even deeper relationship with our loving God - a relationship I have had for a long time but one I never knew could exist so deeply.  There were days where I did not think I could take the next breathe, or even want to, without Ryan, and it was during those moments I could literally feel the presence of our Lord – the feeling of His comforting embrace letting me know the children and I were going to be okay.  I just needed to trust in Him.  "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." (Proverbs 3:5-6)

It also brought new beginnings in the form of new friendships, with those who has walked their own broken roads and have both loved and lost.  Those precious other survivors have blessed me with their gift of friendship, their time, and their love, bringing much hope, healing, happiness, and joy to my life, when I have so desperately needed it.  I am thankful for their presence in my life.

This year brought me closer to some existing relationships as well - my children, my family and those friends who stood by me, not leaving my side, in the darkest of my days.  God knew it was these people I would need at just that exact point in my life, not necessarily for the time in which I met them.  I will forever be grateful to those who listened night after night as I worked through my tears, my feelings, and my darkest thoughts over and over.  I am ever so thankful for those of you who let the Lord use you as his hands and heart here on earth to me.  Thank you.

And as 2016 draws to an ends, I have realized I am a survivor.  I make a choice every morning - sometimes that choice is not without a fight - but I choose to move forward and not only survive, but find joy in this life on earth, while listening to the Lord.  Ryan's letter to me said that he wanted me to be happy, remember the good, and live life - I think making the choice each morning to step forward in God's will is the best way I know how to honor Ryan.  

Last year, as 2015 drew to an end, I wished for a better year.  2015 had left me upset over spending several months stuck in bed after a back injury, back surgery, and hours of physical therapy learning to reuse my leg again.  I wished for a better 2016. As I look towards 2017, I am of course hopeful for good things, but mostly I am thankful for God's loving presence, knowing He will be with me through whatever joys, trials, excitement, or sorrow awaits.  Whatever the circumstances of the new year, God is still good.  He always has been and always will be. "When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown.  When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you." Isaiah 43:2

my little helper

I have a table in our upstairs loft that I wanted to get rid of but it was too big for me to get down the stairs.  The movers must have assembled it up there, since it is too wide to get down in one piece.  Charlie heard me complain about it this morning, then give up and go outside to work in the garden.  When I came back in from outside, I found that Charlie had taken the initiative to go out to the garage, find his daddy's socket set, and he was upstairs removing the legs from the table for me.  He has such a sweet heart, is such a good helper, and I know Ryan would be so proud of him this morning.

2016

I saw this cartoon today and had to agree.  Several celebrities died this week, including Carrie Fisher and her mother, Debbie Reynolds.  The astronomer who discovered dark matter, the inventor of the red solo cup, Neil deGrasse Tyson's father, several music artists...

We also had a very messy presidential campaign this year.   2106 just appears to have been a complete mess of sadness, turmoil, chaos, and sorrow.  It was, for me, the most horrific year imaginable and the most sorrowful year of my entire life.  I did jokingly say today though that perhaps heaven is filling up with friends for Ryan.  I mean I know he would be delighted to meet Princess Leia, but he really preferred a drinking glass over a plastic solo cup... Sorry Robert Hulseman...

But I remember at the end of 2015, praying for a better year after my back injury and back surgery that year.  I was in a lot of pain and stuck in bed for several months, due to a ruptured disc and then physical therapy to have to regain use of my leg.  It was frustrating and difficult.  I was full of hope for 2016 and then, instead, my entire life was turned upside down on June 24th.  So I really am hesitant at this point to have any expectations for the new year.  Let's just say that in a few days the calendar will change from saying 2016 to 2017 and I will keep relying on God's faithful provision, God's incredible strength, and being thankful for God's deep love for us.  One day at a time, in His will.

grief article

Read this article today and although blunt, it speaks a lot of truth.

Stifled Grief article

Christmas pictures

Christmas morning joy!

Ollie the Christmas puppy

Sharing his chocolate with Aunt Jen

Mermaid bathing suit

I think he likes his Christmas gift

Puppy hugs

Christmas

6 months

Today is Christmas Eve and the six month anniversary of Ryan's death.  I am missing him something fierce today.

Comfort, comfort my people, says your God.  Speak tenderly to Jerusalem, and proclaim to her that her hard service has been completed, that her sin has been paid for, that she has received from the Lord’s hand double for all her sins. A voice of one calling: “In the wilderness prepare the way for the Lord, make straight in the desert a highway for our God.  Every valley shall be raised up, every mountain and hill made low; the rough ground shall become level, the rugged places a plain.  And the glory of the Lord will be revealed, and all people will see it together.  A voice says, “Cry out.”  And I said, “What shall I cry?”  “All people are like grass, and all their faithfulness is like the flowers of the field.  The grass withers and the flowers fall, because the breath of the Lord blows on them.  Surely the people are grass.  The grass withers and the flowers fall, but the word of our God endures forever.”  You who bring good news to Zion, go up on a high mountain.  You who bring good news to Jerusalem, lift up your voice with a shout, lift it up, do not be afraid; say to the towns of Judah, “Here is your God!”  See the Sovereign Lord comes with power, and he rules with a mighty arm.  See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him. He tends his flock like a shepherd:  He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.  (Isaiah 40:1-11)

cousins

Silly Christmas cousins make me smile.

performance weekend

This past weekend was a bittersweet whirlwind of events. I was blessed to see both my children perform.  Charlie played clarinet with the SLO Youth Symphony Cadet Winds at the Cal Poly PAC on Saturday afternoon.  Katherine danced at several shows for the Allan Hancock College Youth Dance Company's Nutcracker production this past week.  Both did an amazing job.  Their performances were beautiful and made me so proud. Their smiles were authentically joyful and that made my heart happy.
This weekend was kind of like an answer to prayer for me.  I have spent hours, days, weeks, months, praying for my children's aching hearts.  No child should know the deep and intense ache of losing a parent.  It is an understatement to say that these past six months have been difficult.  They have been beyond difficult.  Excruciating at times.  My children have gone through transitions that they did not want to make, they have had to rebuild a life and make new friends when sorrow consumed our family, and yet they have worked hard even when their grieving hearts did not always feel like trying,  This weekend they each, somewhat nervously, stood up and shared the results of their hard work with our family, friends, and community.  And their proud smiles after each performance were evidence to me that they are healing.  It makes my mama heart so happy to see them joyfully performing and sharing their God-given gifts with others. Their daddy would be so, so proud of them - their resiliency, their strength, their faith, and their loving hearts learning to heal through the arts that they enjoy so much.
Although this past week was exhausting (the long rehearsals, the miles driving them back and forth, the preparing, the practicing, the late bedtimes, etc..), this past week was also like a little Christmas present to me.  A reminder that although these past six months have been horrific and filled with sorrow, God has been at work in my children's hearts, preparing and healing them.  Perhaps even teaching them the lessons of how sorrow and joy can coexist.  Teaching us that we can all move into this new year, remembering Daddy with sadness but also rejoicing in the goodness of God, as He comforts us, grows us, and does not waste a thing here on earth.  In part of the letters that Ryan left each of the children, he tells them to let go of sadness and anger and to help others, heal, and do good, and that in doing that they will excel at their talents.  How he knew to write those words to the children when he himself was in the deepest pain imaginable is simply amazing to me.  Ryan's wisdom and intelligence and advice always amazed me.  It is one of the things I miss the most.  But I think this weekend Ryan was smiling down from heaven at his two beautiful children, not just because of their performances, but because they are taking his sweet advice and making him so proud.

because teenagers love snapchat...

Christmas gift tag

Christmas time.  Whew, the Christmas season is upon us.  The first Christmas without Ryan.  Christmas Eve is the six month anniversary of Ryan's death.  Half a year.  How does half a year go by both so swiftly and also so agonizingly slow?  

To be honest I really braced myself for this season to be quite horrific.  I thought it would be too much to handle, that the overwhelming sorrow of grief would re-consume me all over again.  And I am a Christmas person.  I love Christmas.  I love the lights and the carols and the candles and the joy.  But it is because I love the joy of Christmas that I knew this one would be terrible.  How is there any joy when half of me is gone?  How do I "celebrate" anything when Ryan is gone?  How do I "do" Christmas?

But somehow it is never the "big" things that bring me to my knees in sorrow.  It is the little, most unexpected, things.  I have been pretty brave about putting up our Christmas tree, we hung a few lights, and I even mailed a handful of Christmas cards (count yourself lucky if you received one...).  I could not bring myself to hang the stockings though.  A mantle with three stockings would not look right and a fourth empty stocking did not seem right either.  So I just settled on skipping the stockings altogether this year.  And I really was okay with that decision.

I began to think maybe this holiday thing won't be as bad as I had anticipated in my mind.  So today I settled in - I had Christmas carols playing, my tree lights twinkling, rain pouring down outside, and a mug of peppermint mocha nearby while I sat down to wrap gifts.  I actually felt pretty joyful.  I miss Ryan more than anything in the world, but I have come to a place where my pain and my joy can coexist.  Then the "little thing" hit me.  I wrapped a few gifts for my children and when I went to fill out the "from" part of the gift tags I froze.  I usually write from "Daddy & Mommy" on each package.  And I couldn't.  Every year I would usually do most of the shopping for our kids' gifts but I would sign them all as from both "Daddy & Mommy."  I slowly wrote from "Mommy" and then just cried at how wrong it looked.  The tag was missing something.  My heart was missing something.  Ryan's absence hit me like a ton of bricks there on that gift tag.  There was the consuming wave of Christmas grief.  Not in the tree decorating or light hanging, but in the simple writing of the first gift tag.

Presidential letter

Received this in the mail today - letter signed by the President honoring Ryan.
 It has been almost six months since Ryan's death, so it was quite unexpected.

a fresh wave

So I woke up at 4am this morning and I can't sleep, just overcome with a fresh wave a grief, out of nowhere really, and seemingly as strong as it was back in June.  I have not had a "wave" this strong in quite awhile, in fact I have been doing pretty well lately.  I don't know if it is the holiday season, an emotional weekend, exhaustion, or a grief I did not realize was building.  But this morning it is like I can't breathe again.  I can't stop the flow of raw unending tears.  I can't stop the hurt and the pain.

I have been lying here going through pictures of my Ryan for the past hour, crying over each one.  The ones that hurt the most are the ones of my children, clinging to their daddy the way children do, with big smiles on their faces.  It hurts to know that they won't ever get to cling to their daddy in that childlike, loving way ever again on this side of heaven.  These pictures I have are simply not enough.  It hurts to know I will never hear the sound of the key turning in the lock at our front door, followed by the familiar squeal of delight reserved only for Ryan of, "Daddy is home!!"  Mommies do not get that squeal.  That was a greeting for Daddy, and Daddy alone.  And it is gone.

I miss him so very badly.  It hurts so much.  I think sometimes I convince myself he is just deployed or at work or something, but this morning I know and I feel the truth - that he is not.  I know he is gone.  I FEEL he is gone.  Oh, I would desperately give anything to see Ryan walk through the door right now, to embrace me, to hear the children's happy squeal, to have him back.  But I do not get that.  And it just hurts oh so much.

Christmas tree

Every year we purchase an ornament or two for our Christmas tree, either from a place we visit that year, a place we have lived, or to mark a special event.  So our Christmas tree is always a precious conglomeration of our family memories, accumulated over the past 15 years.  I did not want to even put the tree up this year, but Kate and Charlie wanted it, so of course we did.  And I figured this year I probably would not purchase a new ornament, but instead I found one to put Ryan's picture in.  The 2016 tree ornament contribution is an American flag, with a teardrop, and Ryan's photo.  We are calling it the Daddy ornament.

Great Grandma

My children's great grandmother went home to be with Jesus late Wednesday night.  Eunice was an amazing woman of faith.  She was widowed in her 40's and raised her 5 children, relying on the Lord to lead her.  She was 93.  I know she had been waiting (sometime impatiently) 50 years to be reunited with her husband, Charlie Paul (my Charlie is named after her him).  I have no doubt that she is right now dancing with Jesus and embracing her husband and her favorite grandson (my Ryan), rejoicing.  So it is an extremely happy day in heaven!  If she could, she would be rubbing into us how lucky she is to have Ryan and Charlie Paul all to herself right now and that makes me smile.  My heart could just burst thinking of their joy!

90th birthday

The kids and I got to spend a wonderful Thanksgiving with Eunice.  Even at age 93, she sat on the floor and played board games with Kate, Charlie, and their cousins - it was a competitive game and Great Grandma was so full of spunk and joy.  She had a good day that day.  God is SO good to have given us those precious memories together on Thanksgiving!  So we cry tears this week of missing Eunice, her lively spirit, her smile, her unconditional love - but we cry tears of joy for her as she is exactly where she has longed to be for so long - in God's loving arms.

Thanksgiving 2016