seek Him

I will admit, this has been a rough week.  I knew it would be.  Moving is always exhausting, but this, this is emotionally exhausting.  I was, however, blessed to have Ryan's mother and brother here visiting and to spend time with them this weekend, hugs and tears together.  Then today the temperatures reached the 90's (a rarity for this coastal area!), so I decided to forego unpacking, and after church took Charlie and my nephews to the pool.  We had so much fun swimming and splashing together!  Then the kids and I just hung out at my sister's house until the kids' bedtimes.  We live eight houses away from each other - another blessing.  We always have fun together.  But it really feels like I have just been procrastinating or avoiding the hard work of grief still awaiting me.  Like it is lingering out there.  And so here I am in my new house, fighting anxiety over the waves of grief that roll through in the quiet hours.  I seriously felt tonight like I could not handle this, this "new normal," this missing Ryan so much I can't breath all over again, this grief.  What I wouldn't give to just see my Ryan walk through that door and hug him!  But he is not going to and I can't on this side of heaven.  And I do love the new house - but the problem is Ryan would have loved it too.  So I am pulling out my Bible and looking for comfort, for hope to cling to.  "How long, Lord?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and day after day have sorrow in my heart?  But I trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation.  I will sing the Lord's praises, for has been good to me." (Ps. 13:1-2, 5-6).  Reflecting on God's love does not instantly remove my sorrow, but it does ease the pain and put my eyes towards the one who gives hope.  "I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits, and in his word I put my hope."  (Ps. 130:5).  And the hope God provides is not just wishful thinking; it is an absolute certainty.  I have said many times that God can bring good out of something horrific.  I think another way he will do that is by calling me to grow in some areas where before there was no growth.  This time of waiting and grief can be a time that I am intentional about listening and doing what God calls me to do.  With such a raw, tender heart, I am more perceptive of God's still small voice.  With a great need for comfort and relief from sorrow, I am expectant of His presence.  "The Lord is indeed close to the broken-hearted."  (Ps. 34:18).  I have learned that the experience of God's comfort is not automatic through.  If we draw near to God, He will draw near to us.  "Seek his face always."  (1 Chron. 16:11).  "He rewards those who earnestly seek him."  (Heb. 11:6).  We must be active in seeking.  Through grief, through losing my beloved, to not having my Ryan by my side, I have been brought suddenly and painfully to my knees in shock and sorrow, to the point that I had nothing left, but to seek Him.  And as I sought Him, he sought me back, with comfort.  My prayer is not to lose sight of that.  That even as my heart begins to heal and I learn to think of Ryan with joyful memories instead of this heartbreaking pain, that even in that transformation that I never stop actively seeking the one who performs that transformation that occurs in my heart.  That as my raw heart heals, that it does not harden or forget.  That I will ever praise Him who waits expectedly for us to seek Him.