gifts

In a message, a sweet friend of mine mentioned that she thought Ryan must have had a hand in picking the perfect house for me.  I had not thought about that perspective at all.  But I think she is right!  There are SO, SO many little details in this house that are like little gifts to me.

I had only walked through the house one time, very briefly, before purchasing it.  The real estate market in California is crazy and houses sell quickly often on the same day they are listed.  So the day this house came up, down the street from my sister, on a whim, we visited.  The kids instantly liked it and it "felt right," or at least as right as it could.  At that time, I was not ready to begin to think about a home without Ryan, but also knew that practically we could only impose on family for so long (even though they sweetly insist otherwise).  But I made an offer (there were six offers that day) and prayed that God just make the decision for me.  He blessed us with the house.  Then I spent two months (60 day escrow) trying not to think about the house and avoiding anxiety about moving into it.

But now here we are and now that we have been in it for a week, I realize what a true blessing this house is.  It is a gift.  For having bought a house in the midst of when my grief was still too debilitating to really look at it, I did not want to see and was not able to see any of the little details then.  But this house truly is full of gifts.

There are butterfly and hummingbird bushes in the yard (I always wanted one in a garden) and birds zip all through my yard each morning.  The previous owners left a hummingbird feeder right outside the kitchen window.  How did they know I love to sit in the mornings with my tea and watch birds?  For those that know me, they know how much I absolutely love birds.  Ryan knew.  He cheerfully put up with all my bird feeders and bird houses.  He even helped me take care of several orphaned fledglings over the years.  So to see all these birds outside makes my heart happy. 

But it's not just the yard with the bird-attracting bushes, it is all the little details.  There are the exact light fixtures I have always admired here (base housing can be so boring).  The paint color is exactly what Ryan and I talked about wanting.  The kitchen, oh my goodness, the kitchen!  It is perfect.  Ryan would have loved it.  Ryan loved to cook (and was absolutely amazing at it too!).  He would have loved this kitchen - it has a window over the sink and an island for stools (both things we wanted).  The cabinet color, and even the hardware on the doors - all what we would have picked together.  I could go on and on about the details.  So many perfect details.  Ryan and I have just lived in SO many homes over the past 15 years that we have had a chance to see and discuss details we liked and didn't like in each.  Seriously, it feels like this house is the perfect mix of all the features we have always talked about liking from each home we've ever had, all in one.  Like our dream home.  And I have spent this last week being extremely angry and sad and upset about each and every one of these perfect details.  Because Ryan is missing it.  How do I enjoy any of this without Ryan?  I have only been able to focus on the cruel irony and my hurt feelings over the things that would have ordinarily brought joy in any other situation.

But when my friend mentioned that she thought Ryan had a hand in picking this house, it made me questio my angry.  I guess it made me change my perspective.  So today when I broke down in tears, I tried to look at each little detail as a gift.  That God is blessing me in my grief with little gifts of comfort, under Ryan's advice and urging.  I don't know how theologically sound that is, but it just feels so true.  I love the idea of Ryan knowing me so well and watching out for me from heaven.  And Ryan loved to give gifts.  He loved to randomly surprise me with flowers or sweettarts (my favorite candy) or just sweet little tokens to make me smile all the time.  Often for no reason other than with a note that would say "I love you."  So I am trying to see each blessing in this house as a gift, from God, that Ryan helped orchestrate.  Ryan always said he loved to make me smile, so it should not surprise me that he would find a way to keep doing that even now.  I am thankful for my friend's words, given in the right timing, to remind me to lift my focus out of the pit and up onto Him who is good.  
"A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in a setting of silver."  (Proverbs 25:11)

Even the fact that we have friendly neighbors who put a cheerful sunflower in their welcome basket!  Sunflowers have always been my favorite flower.  Our new neighbors would not have known that.  But Ryan knew.  Again, another sign of blessing.  Ryan even heard me say over the years how much it bothered me that people nowadays just come and go from their houses without really getting to know their neighbors.  So even just the fact that three friendly neighbors have introduced themselves to me this week means that God put it on their hearts to bless me.  And, again, I believe Ryan had a hand in orchestrating the environment where I would be living.  He truly is taking care of us and watching over us from heaven, just as lovingly as he always has.  So if you see me choosing the easier path of despair or anger, please, please help remind me or help me remember to focus on where my blessings actually come from.  I sometimes need reminders.  That, and I love to hear my Ryan's name spoken.

So all in all, this has been a very difficult week.  But I am learning to smile as I think about how much Ryan loved us.  And the fact that just because Ryan is not physically with me here on earth anymore, his love is still here.  I can see it in each gift of each day.  And it is helping turn my anxiety, sadness, and anger to a smile. 

"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows.  (James 1:17)