new address

Tomorrow we get the keys to our new house.  The moving truck arrives on Thursday.  My kids are super excited about getting their stuff and painting their rooms.  I am thankful for this beautiful house and the fact that it's down the street from my sister and her family.  We can walk back and forth to see her and my nephews.  The kids will have parks and a pool to swim.  My church home is ten minutes away.  And I love decorating, so setting up a house is always fun for me.  This house is a huge blessing and I am so, so thankful for it.

But with all that said, I am feeling so sad right now.  I seriously feel like if one more person congratulates me on the house or tells me how excited they are for me, that I will scream.  During all those years of moving state to state and going new places, I missed California and family.  Feeling homesick for family and "home," I prayed many times that we would receive orders to VAFB.  When we missed family gatherings, holidays, and my nephews' milestones, I ached.  When it was 115 degrees or I was shoveling snow, I missed the mild temperatures of the central coast.  But now those things I prayed for and desired have been given to me - just not in the way I ever wanted.  I would give it all up in a heartbeat for Ryan back.  

In fact I feel angry about being given these things in this way.  I know anger is one of the "stages of grief" and it is a normal feeling, as long as I don't get stuck in it.  But I don't do anger well.  Of all the things in the human heart, anger can be one of the most intense, destructive, and unhealthy emotions that we can experience.  I have said before I have a huge fear of anger.  I don't do anger.  I think this fear is because anger can cause me to say unloving things, things said in the frustration of the moment, and not the truth of my heart.  And words can hurt.  Like right now I just want to scream, "do not congratulate me on this stupid house!  I never wanted to be in this situation!  Do not tell me this is a good step forward when everything inside me wants to move backward!"  With this raw anger running wild, I have a lot of anxiety today that I may say something hurtful to those who truly mean well.  I just ask that you all have an extra measure of patience and forgiveness for me this week.  This week is very scary for me.  My type-A personality wants to be in control, but the anger and anxiety fuel a fear inside me that makes me feel out of control. 

But the truth is that God knows how difficult this situation is for me and He desires to bless me in my pain and fear.  Fulfilling those desires I had over the years and giving us this perfect house is His way of reaching out and comforting me amidst the pain.  He desires to give us good things and the desires of our heart.  And you precious friends congratulating me mean well, reminding me to try to see the bright side of a horrific situation that I am just having a hard time seeking today.  So I am thankful for all you precious friends who do see the world as "half full" and are reminding me of the blessings around me.  Because when I am thankful for blessings given and friends surrounding us, and when I praise our loving God in the storm (even the storm of grief and anger and confusion), it gets my focus up out of the pit and onto Him.  Him who loves us.  Him who desperately wants to comfort, love, and walk with us.  So this week I need desperately to get my focus on Him who is good and Him who gives strength to do hard things.  I just ask that you all pray for me to not lose focus of that goal this week.  And so please remind me of His goodness when I seem to forget and be forgiving when I slip up and the anger or fear seeps in this week ahead.

"Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil." (Ps. 37:8)

"Gladness and joy will overtake them; and sorrow and sighing will flee away.  I, even I, am he who comforts you."  (Isaiah 51:11-12)