"anniversary"

So September 8th is our wedding "anniversary." I have been asked by a lot of people if it will be a difficult day or what I will do that day.  Yes, it will be a difficult day - they all are without Ryan.  What will I do?  I will keep breathing, keeping praying, keep missing Ryan, keep taking the next step forward.  September 8th would be 15 years, but I am going to share a secret here...  Ryan and I celebrated our 15 year anniversary on May 8th, 2016.  You see, we have two wedding anniversaries - May 8th and September 8th - both celebrated on "the ocho" (if you have seen the movie Dodgeball, you will get our corny reference).  So why two special dates?

On the Monday after Ryan's death, I had a host of military personnel show up at my door, survivor benefits reps, mortuary affairs officers, etc..  It is kind of a blur to me because I was still in such a state of shock.  I remember sitting around the kitchen table (in my pajamas with messy hair) with all these people, having to pick out my husband's casket (from pictures in a casket brochure) and begin wrapping my head around funeral arrangements and listening to survivor briefings, etc...  I honestly don't remember many details of that day or week, it had been less than 72 hours since Ryan had died and my mind was a complete and total mess.  I had not eaten or slept since that Friday.  But as I sat there, I do remember having to answer questions for paperwork, Ryan's date of birth, place of birth, parents' full names, their places of birth, our wedding location...  I answered them all until they asked wedding location, I paused.  I looked around the room, where my sister and dad were also sitting (for moral support) and I could not answer.  You see, Ryan and I eloped in May, before our wedding in September.  We had not shared that with others.  So when I did not answer right away, my sister leaned forward and answered for me, "Ventura, California," she said.  I shook my head and my sister must have thought i was a bigger mess than I looked because she was saying, "you got married in Ventura, Jen."  I shook my head again, took a deep breath, and said, "Okay, so here it is - Ryan and I eloped.  In May 2001.  My family does not know, but now they apparently do.  So there it is."  There was silence as the military officers looked around at my family members and I think my sister said, "seriously?"  I explained how I had decided to move to Louisiana after college graduation to be near Ryan until our September wedding.  And Ryan worried about me being there without health insurance or being able to provide for me, so we talked about it and we decided that me becoming a military dependent was our best option.  We were so young.  I graduated from Westmont College on May 6, 2001, we loaded up my car to drive to Louisiana on May 7th, and were married by this pretty waterfall at the Flamingo Hilton in Las Vegas on May 8th.  

So that day in June, I looked around the kitchen at all these people, with their funeral paperwork and somber faces, listening to me, and I said, "so you see, we did what we felt was the most responsible thing we could think of - we eloped in Las Vegas."  Everyone laughed, it was a laugh we needed.  Laughter is good medicine.  I don't remember a lot in the blur of torturous decisions I had to make that day.  But I remember the laugh over sharing Ryan and I's two special dates.  We had our big, joyous, wedding on September 8th, it was a special day filled with family and friends.  But you see, Ryan and I have always had two anniversaries - the anniversary of our wedding with family and friends (that we would lovingly air quote and call our "anniversary") and the anniversary of our marriage.  Both very, very special days.  So, yes, Ryan and I were married for more than 15 years.  And, yes, tomorrow will be difficult.  May 8th will be difficult.  But everyday without my Ryan, to laugh with and journey through life with is difficult.  Below are two pictures from our big wedding, a picture from my college graduation, and a "never before seen picture" of the two of us on May 8, 2001.