two months

It's been two months since that awful day.  Two months.  It seems like just yesterday I had my Ryan and yet these have been the longest two months of my life.  July was agonizing slow.
Part of me wants to jump ahead a few years, to a time when maybe the hurt is not so raw and present and consuming.  But that feels like jumping away from Ryan and I want nothing more than to cling to him, his memory, his name, him. And, truthfully, that raw, consuming pain will always be present, I just am learning to recognize and understand it is part of me.  With time I believe I will learn to use it for good and showing compassion to others - but it will forever be part of me.  But if I can perhaps use it like Paul mentions in the Bible, that the thorn in his side kept him humble and aware.  God used his affliction for good.  My prayer is God will use mine for good as well.
When thoughts of going forward seem too difficult, I go backward instead.  I reread Ryan's letters and look at pictures and dwell on happy memories.  They fill me with joy.  I truly had the happiest years of my life during our 15 years of marriage.  So many joyful blessings.  They cheer me up, until I realize they are all past tense and then the overwhelming sorrow creeps in and I find it difficult to breathe.  What I wouldn't give to go backward, to love more, to not take a moment for granted, to be there for Ryan in every way.  Then the regrets and sadness begin to consume me until I realize that I need to trust God with my past.  God knows the number of our days and even if I do not understand why some are shorter than others there is a bigger picture that I am not able to fathom yet.  I have to trust Him in that.
So when I realize I can't speed time up and I can't go backward either, I dwell on this current moment, taking this current breathe, and trusting He is in control of this precious moment right now.