thankful

These past few days I have been feeling a little down, but I am reminded of the verse that we are to be thankful in all things (1 Thes. 5:18).  This is not a command to fake happiness or an act to praise God for his benefit alone, it is a loving instruction for our own good.  When we dwell on sorrow and sadness too long, our hearts rest down in it.  When we choose to be thankful for things, no matter how small, it begins to lift us up from the pit of despair.  God uses our prayers to bless us and thanking Him gets us to focus on Him and His strength.  The joy of the Lord is our strength (Neh. 8:10).  So today I choose to focus on counting my blessings and looking for those in my life to be thankful for.  I am quite tired, so this post may not be very eloquent, but here is my attempt at thankfulness.

I am so thankful for the family members who have literally turned their lives upside down to be there for the kids and I.  Taking in myself, the kids, our pets, feeding us, cleaning and doing chores for us, helping with endless paperwork, decisions, and logistics, all of it.  I am thankful for each act of service, both big and small.  And I am so thankful for the sweet and faithful friends who keep "checking on us" through the long haul, as the chaos of those first chaotic, horrific, traumatic weeks have transitioned into a daily routine of ups and downs and a mostly quiet sorrow.  The messages of encouragement, a shared Bible verse, or just the quick note to say "hello, thinking of you," have meant so much to us - thank you.  I know God knows puts it on someone's heart to reach out to us in that moment that I am really struggling and I am thankful for those who respond in that moment.  I hope those reading this know who you are, dear and precious friends.

And lastly, I am so thankful for the Air Force support units that have been there for us.  I have the most awesome CAC (casualty assistance counselor) and SBC (survivor benefit counselor).  I did not have to do any of the paperwork for VA or SSA.  They literally filled out all the piles of paperwork for me to just sign, brought it to the house, and even contact both administrations on my behalf when things inevitably were incorrect.  They tracked and filed all the paperwork when I was still getting Texas BAH instead of California BAH, etc... My CAC gave me his private cell number and lets me bug him, even on the weekends, with silly questions or concerns.  They are just great, caring people who have gone above and beyond to take all the headaches of dealing with financial benefit administrations right off my plate and that has been a huge blessing to me.  Even in those early days, the military mortuary affairs officier, technician, and chaplain were by my side to walk me through all the funeral arrangements and decisions.  I look back at that week and it is kind of a blur of tears and stress, but I am thankful for the support I had during that time.  And I'm thankful for my AFFF representative (Air Force Families Forever) and my MFLC (military family life counselor) who let me stop by their offices in AFRC each week for grief counseling but also just to chat and ask how the kids are and share zucchini bread with me.

All of these people and support systems God placed in my life to bless me.  I will admit that more than a few times I have felt angry with God that He would allow me to lose my husband and place these "consolation prizes" in my life instead.  I have felt that way about getting to live in California or finding the house we found, as well.  Like why does God think it is okay to give me these things in place of Ryan??  But I have come to the realization that God knew I would be in this situation and He was preparing all these things and people and support systems to comfort me when I would need it.  Sometimes horrific things happen in life and because God gives us free will, things happen that grieve God.  And when this happens, He loves to comfort us and bless us.  Because God himself has grieved, He intimately knows the depths of our pains and He knows our needs and He enjoys blessing us and comforting us in any and every small way He can.  So I find reasons to be thankful.  Thankful for a God who does not give consolation prizes, but a God who enters our pain with us and holds our hands and walks us through that valley, often using His faithful followers here on earth to do some of His hand holding for Him, as a way of blessing the fellowship between the giver and receiver.